#1
Fightstarish.
I dont like this so much, but its very true to me at the moment, its based on one of my friendships with a certain guy.
Critforcrit. x

Tribute to a friend i think i'm about to loose

You can't hide from it,
You can't hide from it,
Say what you see fit,
I think you're lying.

You can't look away [you can't look away]
You can't look away [you can't look away]
It's the same everyday
I know you're lying.

Don't,
Hide,
There's no-where you can run
That is far enough away
These words are proof,
You've never known the truth
You still talk like we're ok..

You will let me go [let me go]
You will let me go [let me go]
Although you said you won't
Know you were lying

You'll watch this frienship burn,
You'll watch this frienship burn,
Oh - when will you learn,
To stop denying

Don't,
Hide,
There's no-where you can run
That is far enough away
These words are proof,
You've never known the truth
You still talk like we're ok..

[the truth, always slipped you're mind
oh youve always had a way with words!
If i slip through your fingers
I'll leave never to return...]
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#3
errr....ok?
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#4
alright franz, this piece is pretty good.
To tell the truth though, it wasn't a masterpiece, i can tell that youve put some raw emotion into this thing, but the flow is kind of off, unless im reading it wrong. I see that you havent really put any metaphor or imagery here, but youve got pure emotion in it, which i can appreciate. This emotion is kind of what i have in a piece i was considering putting up here actually...
Overall though, good job.

If you could check mine its the first link in my sig, also if you could answer my question i posted in my thread it would be great.
thx
#5
Yeah you said it, its lacking imigary and metaphors.
But thanks for the crit man, i appreciate it. x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
i'd take out the "you"'s on the second umm....reverb like thing you do....so its like "you cant look away, cant look away".......
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#7
Yeah, good idea mayte. Haha. I like it. Thanks for the crit =D

xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
Quote by franz.d.
Fightstarish.
I dont like this so much, but its very true to me at the moment, its based on one of my friendships with a certain guy.
Critforcrit. x

Tribute to a friend i think i'm about to loose

You can't hide from it,
You can't hide from it,
Say what you see fit,
I think you're lying.
Nah, didn't like this; very bland and cliche. Sort it!
You can't look away [you can't look away]
You can't look away [you can't look away]
It's the same everyday
I know you're lying.
Same as before i'm afraid.
Don't,
Hide,
There's no-where you can run
That is far enough away
These words are proof,
You've never known the truth
You still talk like we're ok..
Hmm... slightly better but still below standard for you.
You will let me go [let me go]
You will let me go [let me go]
Although you said you won't
Know you were lying

You'll watch this frienship burn,
You'll watch this frienship burn,
Oh - when will you learn,
To stop denying
This was ok.
Don't,
Hide,
There's no-where you can run
That is far enough away
These words are proof,
You've never known the truth
You still talk like we're ok..

[the truth, always slipped you're mind
oh youve always had a way with words!
If i slip through your fingers
I'll leave never to return...]
Don't like the repetition of slip there.


Suprisingly, this was very cliche and bland and i consequently disliked it. Well, it suprised me anyhow. I've said what's wrong with it but i think you know anyway.

You can certainly write better on behalf of your friend
#10
Meh, not my favorite piece.

Little too repetitive with the first two lines of every stanza.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#12
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
You can certainly write better on behalf of your friend


He doesn't deserve any better


I appreciate all yer crits. I just wanted to see what you guys think y'know? I didnt know it was clishe [thanks for pointing that out =}] But i knew it lacked imagery.

x