#1
Ok, im not sure about this yet, but here's the idea: C4C:

The Prophecy 2:1-8
Subtitled: Love Itself Reveals


1 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I swore to never,
it was finally revealed to me.

2 (Although my hatred was not yet quieted,
my love itself decided to speak out.)

3 Talking about me as if
I wasn?t me, it said,
?On that fated winter night,
not yet faded, still not bright,
I was sent to him, now I
Return to confirm I?m not dead.
As always, what?s done is done.
He thought he lost, but we have won.

4 I now give you the prophecy:
He will bleed through every day.
Just like the year before this,
at times he?ll think it?s hopeless.
Four months will feel like forever,
But being sore makes us stronger.
And injuries make our hair grey.
I can only strengthen now.
Be strong; be patient now.?

5 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I?d swore to never,
He solemnly continued speaking.

6 ?I understand that it?s hard.
What he?d gained now feels lost.
And, yes, it?ll be the same
feeling of confusion and pain.
But I?m stronger than last year.
Still, the river he?ll have to recross.
Don?t tell me he can?t feel her.
She?s him, now and forever.

7 Like on December twenty-eighth,
winter?s beauty will return.
He?ll do right what he did wrong
this time. He?ll write a new song.
The snow will slowly dance down,
and won?t melt as their eyes burn.
And they?ll hold on together.
No longer scared, forever.?

8 This time, this love,
will win, will win.

Our time, our love
will win, look in-

-to my brown eyes
they say, ?I love-

you,? time and love
will win. We?ll win.
#2
is verse one kind of like a chorus? Anyway, it all looked good really, but im gonna do a full crit in a few days, need to make a few calls right now though, accept this bump though
#4
um... i just wanted to give a preview of the following chapters: 3 will be about my reflections of the prophecy mixed with my feeling, i gotta write it before school starts in a week. 4 will be the same thing but ill write it in about a month and a half, meening itll be different cause by that time ill be seeing her every day... yeah. then chapter 5 will be the fullfillment of the prophecy in about four months... maybe a little less. after that i might start a new prophecy, with the same topic, or just add on to this. Im writing far apart cause i want to actually write as it happens... it is my prophecy... oh btw this chapter still aint perfected... ill take more crits...
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 31, 2006,
#5
The Prophecy 2:1-8
Subtitled: Love Itself Reveals

1 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I swore to never,
it was finally revealed to me.

I love this. Nothing to change.

2 (Although my hatred was not yet quieted,
my love itself decided to speak out.)

Not much to say here as it seems more of a transition than anything.

3 Talking about me as if
I wasn?t me, it said,
?On that fated winter night,
not yet faded, still not bright,
I was sent to him, now I
Return to confirm I?m not dead.
As always, what?s done is done.
He thought he lost, but we have won.

The rhyming for the most part makes this read very well. I'm just not too keen on fated/faded.

4 I now give you the prophecy:
He will bleed through every day.
Just like the year before this,
at times he?ll think it?s hopeless.
Four months will feel like forever,
But being sore makes us stronger.
And injuries make our hair grey.
I can only strengthen now.
Be strong; be patient now.?

I like the conclusion of the quote here. The fourth line doesn't really fit well here, though. Seems a tad forced.
"Four months will feel like forever, but beign sore makes us stronger" is brilliant.
The end of the quote wraps it up nicely.


5 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I?d swore to never,
He solemnly continued speaking.

Good repetition.

6 ?I understand that it?s hard.
What he?d gained now feels lost.
And, yes, it?ll be the same
feeling of confusion and pain.
But I?m stronger than last year.
Still, the river he?ll have to recross.
Don?t tell me he can?t feel her.
She?s him, now and forever.

Nothing bad to say about this, it's really good.

7 Like on December twenty-eighth,
winter?s beauty will return.
He?ll do right what he did wrong
this time. He?ll write a new song.
The snow will slowly dance down,
and won?t melt as their eyes burn.
And they?ll hold on together.
No longer scared, forever.?

Again, nothing bad to say. Love lines 5 and 6.

8 This time, this love,
will win, will win.

Our time, our love
will win, look in-

-to my brown eyes
they say, ?I love-

you,? time and love
will win. We?ll win.

And a nice ending to wrap it all up.
All in all I really enjoyed this. I've read some of your other work and I can safely say this is one of the better ones (in my opinion). Everything flows nicely and the ending just has such confidence it works really well. Nice job AmplifySilence.
#6
wow thanks, to be honest i didnt think much of this at first, was expecting to get beat up... but i guess its pretty good right? thanx for that Monkeyguitar...

to anybody who hasnt seen chapter 1 its the first one in my sig, but it doesnt really have much to do with this one, you dont need to read it to get it, im just saying just in case your curious...
#7
im attempting my first full crit lol, im not very good at it

Quote by AmplifySilence
Ok, im not sure about this yet, but here's the idea: C4C:

The Prophecy 2:1-8
Subtitled: Love Itself Reveals


1 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I swore to never,
it was finally revealed to me.
Nice lines, just a bit vague

2 (Although my hatred was not yet quieted,
my love itself decided to speak out.)
It looks like one of those lines in your last piece, i kinda like it here

3 Talking about me as if
I wasn?t me, it said,
?On that fated winter night,
not yet faded, still not bright,
I was sent to him, now I
Return to confirm I?m not dead.
As always, what?s done is done.
He thought he lost, but we have won.
I liked this a lot, especially ''return to confirm''

4 I now give you the prophecy:
He will bleed through every day.
Just like the year before this,
at times he?ll think it?s hopeless.
Four months will feel like forever,
But being sore makes us stronger.
And injuries make our hair grey.
I can only strengthen now.
Be strong; be patient now.?
I didnt really like this stanza, the first line seems a bit too simple. But the last two lines were great.

5 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I?d swore to never,
He solemnly continued speaking.
Nothing really to say, nice.

6 ?I understand that it?s hard.
What he?d gained now feels lost.
And, yes, it?ll be the same
feeling of confusion and pain.
But I?m stronger than last year.
Still, the river he?ll have to recross.
Don?t tell me he can?t feel her.
She?s him, now and forever.
For some reason, i didnt like this, but i cant find any particular reason.

7 Like on December twenty-eighth,
winter?s beauty will return.
He?ll do right what he did wrong
this time. He?ll write a new song.
The snow will slowly dance down,
and won?t melt as their eyes burn.
And they?ll hold on together.
No longer scared, forever.?
Liked this part, nice rhyming, good to read

8 This time, this love,
will win, will win.

Our time, our love
will win, look in-

-to my brown eyes
they say, ?I love-

you,? time and love
will win. We?ll win.
Great ending, overall i think its good, but i would like to see some relation to the other parts of the prophecy. Nice job.
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
#8
'four months will seem like forever
but being sore makes us stronger'

I love that line best of all. Probably because it applies beautifully to my life right now...overall I love this piece, it's long and it took me a second read to really get into it, but I'm very glad I did read that second time.

keep writing my friend. I also love the way you are writing these pieces, the honesty and the timing will give your writing good depth. I look forward to more...

check out mine? the link is in my sig. cheers
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#9
"i would like to see some relation to the other parts of the prophecy."

hey Mr. Y, could you re-explain that i dont get you there...

and thanx... any more?
#10
Quote by AmplifySilence
"i would like to see some relation to the other parts of the prophecy."

hey Mr. Y, could you re-explain that i dont get you there...

and thanx... any more?


in the beginning you said that this piece had nothing to do with the first, but will the 3rd kinda be a succession of this one, or more a related piece?
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
#11
oh, its definately related...

its half written now, but dont wanna ruin the surprise, so ill just say its definately related to chapter 2.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Sep 1, 2006,
#12
F*cking technoolgy means I can no longer post long pieces for some reason, so I'll tell you my main points from the full crit that froze- alot was too vague, and some puntuation was off. That's about it, good luck with wherever you go with these pieces.

Jamie
#13
funny, hate computers, but what am i supposed to do all day without 'em? ok so too vague, like you actually want me to tell my life story? ok, and yeah i overlook puctuation...
thanx man
#14
Not your life story, just some parts tended to not be delivering a point or moving along the story. Numbers 1 and 5 I think, but it was just some lines didn't do much, in moving the piece along.
#16
Quote by AmplifySilence
Ok, im not sure about this yet, but here's the idea: C4C:

The Prophecy 2:1-8
Subtitled: Love Itself Reveals


1 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I swore to never,
it was finally revealed to me.
I like the second line especially here. The writing has the prophetic style going, which I'm guessing is no accident. Good opener, nothing really stood out that much though.

2 (Although my hatred was not yet quieted,
my love itself decided to speak out.)
Simple, short, straightforward. Good.

3 Talking about me as if
I wasn?t me, it said,
?On that fated winter night,
not yet faded, still not bright,
I was sent to him, now I
Return to confirm I?m not dead.
As always, what?s done is done.
He thought he lost, but we have won.
I really like the way you use sentence structure as a major part of your flow. Good stanza, like the first, nothing really 'stands out' but its really solid stuff. Good story so far.

4 I now give you the prophecy:
He will bleed through every day.
Just like the year before this,
at times he?ll think it?s hopeless.
Four months will feel like forever,
But being sore makes us stronger.
And injuries make our hair grey.
I can only strengthen now.
Be strong; be patient now.?
Really strong stanza, best yet. It really has that prophetic scriptural sense to it, and I can relate a lot to what you're saying here. Even without using fancy imagery and what-not you make this really work. Great.

5 In the summer of this sixth year,
as this season?s warmth keeps me cold,
as I lose what I?d swore to never,
He solemnly continued speaking.
Pretty much see above. Good.

6 ?I understand that it?s hard.
What he?d gained now feels lost.
And, yes, it?ll be the same
feeling of confusion and pain.
But I?m stronger than last year.
Still, the river he?ll have to recross.
Don?t tell me he can?t feel her.
She?s him, now and forever.
I like how you brought another character in at the end. And the fates of these people seem to be pre-destined and controlled. Hm. This piece is hard to crit. I guess you are trying to make this more of a story (or prophecy) than a poem or lyrics, so the simplicity of story telling works. Its really really well done, again, I can relate to this passage a lot.

7 Like on December twenty-eighth,
winter?s beauty will return.
He?ll do right what he did wrong
this time. He?ll write a new song.
The snow will slowly dance down,
and won?t melt as their eyes burn.
And they?ll hold on together.
No longer scared, forever.?
Specific date gives good support to the prophetic element. Still, writing is very good and very suited to the style I think you were going for. Lurrrrvely.

8 This time, this love,
will win, will win.

Our time, our love
will win, look in-

-to my brown eyes
they say, ?I love-

you,? time and love
will win. We?ll win.
Nice ending. Love the breaks and begins in diffent pairs. Saying we'll win, are you two defying the prophecy which was saying it won?


This was really good. I just critted this after I read the third part and I'll get to that one soon hopefully. I haven't read the first 'cause I saw you said it was irrelevant, but I'll read that too in the future. I really loved the style of this, I think it fit the title perfectly, and the storytelling was superbbbb. Wow. I just got in a lot of trouble and lost my train of thought...I'm done this crit lol. ****.

oh and my latest is called Captain's Knot Saves the Deckhand. Should be around the first few pages.
#17
line 2 doesnt flow very good....but once agian nothing else wrong with it: awsome styling, awsome word choice, awseom ryming....
keep it up

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#18
I remember reading this piece awhile back, but I never came around to reviewing it. Well here goes. First of all, the title was excellent. It really drew my attention. I really liked the wording you used. It painted a cold and lonely picture in my head. To me, this piece was very epic and emotional. Great job.

Crit mine please

Snake-Tongued Love