#1
It's a work in progress. Crit for crit.

Old friend, wont you take my hand and walk with me
Through our favourite park, back to a time
when worry wasn't part of our vocabulary
When simple misunderstandings didn't become
complicated arguments that served no purpose

I've come to reach an understanding
and I want to let you know
that waiting for an easy answer is just wasted energy

So get up and shake off the dust
the sun's setting earlier each day
I don't think there's enough time left for childplay
So get up, there's not enough time left

Old friend, speed up beside me and listen
See I've learned if life was as we wish it
We'd all be on anti-depressents with
nothing to look forward to
For the strength we gain throughout our lives,
could not be possible if we serve no purpose
With no barriers to overcome, sense of achievement is non-existent

I know you hate it when I act like this

Take perspective
Let's become our sixth grade selves again
Let's go back to when no two numbers where more interesting than the rest,
and our biggest concern was which Simpson episode was best
Yeah I miss that

So get up and shake off the dust
the sun's setting earlier by the minute
As each day get colder than the last
I don't think there's enough time left
So get up

It's winter already.
#2
this is wonderful
its rare to see a piece thats complete...nothing u would change..but this is one fo those pieces

"the suns setting earlier each day
i ont think theres enough time left for childplay"

^^thats fantastic

the whole piece blends perfectly. and the ending is especially ood

"so get up

its winter already"

i actually love this
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#3
Thank you very much, that's some of the most positive feedback I've ever recieved on here.

*wishes for some more crits*.
#4
Its good borderline great. But I need to know more about the music
#5
yeah, this is really good, i wonder wether its for a girl, or just a friend? anyways i thought this was awsome. the first line to the last one... i really did like it and im sorry i couldnt think of any more to say about it...

crit mine please? its the second link in my sig.
#6
may I say first of all how good it was to read something that was not all...'I hate you' 'I'll never be able to have you' 'my life sucks'....so first of all props for originality.

secondly I love it.

fantastic writing, perfect ending.

tell us about the music?


I would be honoured if you would crit mine, the link is in my sig!
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#7
Quote by monkeyguitar78
It's a work in progress. Crit for crit.

Old friend, wont you take my hand and walk with me This remind me of the Wenn song 'The Mollusk' nothing bad, starts off with a good feeling.
Through our favourite park, back to a time this is fairly a simple line...
when worry wasn't part of our vocabulary Okay, i can understand it.
When simple misunderstandings didn't become
complicated arguments that served no purpose okay I liked the long conclusion line.

I've come to reach an understanding I think this line has more syllables than this line should have. but then again I dont know the music
and I want to let you know
that waiting for an easy answer is just wasted energy

Nothing to crit for those two lines

So get up and shake off the dust
the sun's setting earlier each day
I don't think there's enough time left for childplay
So get up, there's not enough time left

This has a really "Come On!" attitude, I like it alot!

Old friend, speed up beside me and listen
See I've learned if life was as we wish it
We'd all be on anti-depressents with
nothing to look forward to
For the strength we gain throughout our lives,
could not be possible if we serve no purpose
With no barriers to overcome, sense of achievement is non-existent

This verse is different that the first one, Because it's not different lines it an all combined verse. I dont think verses like that work, at least not for me. but the meaning of the lyric is good, just try not to get lost with in your own lines.

I know you hate it when I act like this
I can sense the above and where it supposed to go

Take perspective
Let's become our sixth grade selves again
Let's go back to when no two numbers where more interesting than the rest,
and our biggest concern was which Simpson episode was best
Yeah I miss that

those lines digging into your past and the Simpson episode is kinda ruin all of the mystory and seems very childish, but again that is the meaning of the song, so you maybe you did it on purpose

So get up and shake off the dust
the sun's setting earlier by the minute
As each day get colder than the last
I don't think there's enough time left
So get up

It's winter already.
I dont think this has any efficient effect to the song and you could give the same feeling using other things.


here's a link in case your'e feeling thankful-

My Song

Jagermeister-
...And The Nominees Are
Last edited by jagstang270 at Aug 31, 2006,
#8
I think I got back to all of the links.

AmplifySilence;
Just for a friend really.

jagstang270;
Thanks for the well-detailed crit. I did make that one verse childish intentially, because the song itself is about two friends who are losing the frinedship they use to have. That verse itself is just , well, as you said, digging into the past. I can see how it could seem out of palce with the rest of the piece so I may edit it up a bit.

.

If there are any more crits to this over the next few days, I wont be back in town until Monday night so I wont be able to return crits until then, but I will get to hem.
#9
Masterful piece, you evoked multiple emotions in a well-worded song. I know you didn't intend it to, but for some reason when I read the chorus, it reminded me of "The General" by Dispatch. (Which is a good thing, as Dispatch is one of my favorite bands.) Keep up the good work, and if you could maybe hook us up with a little more info about the music to this piece. (If you have any.)

Oh, and if you get to it....
Hand in Hand (Acoustic/Mellow)
#10
Great song. The lyrics were really compelling. I especially liked the ending-it felt as though it properly completed the song. However, I agreed with jagstang270; to me, those types of verses don't usually work. Depending on the music, you may already have taken care of that and made up for it, but I mean, just for a reader, it doesn't really come across so well. All in all, though, I really liked it; I'd like to see more of your stuff. It was an interesting and original take on a subject that some people seem to want to make generic.
#11
Thank you both.
I think this one has had enough crits, very much appreciated.
Yes, I agree that that verse looks odd on paper, but it flows with the music so it's all good.
mcole07, I'll get to your lyrics now.
This will probably be my last entry in this forum for a while. I'll be out of the country for school and likely very busy, but I'll try to toss some more lyircs in here as the come up.
Ezra, thanks for the support.


#12
Quote by monkeyguitar78
I think I got back to all of the links.

AmplifySilence;
Just for a friend really.



oh, ok,
hey man, since youre leaving for a while or whatever, could you check out my chapter 3, on the The Prophecy series, id really apreciate it.... i hate to unnecesarily post ,but I dont get enough crits, thanx man