#1
Crit for crit. A jumbled mess I wrote in an instant message to a friend...

Live in the moment
and die along with it
Can you really move on
when the end comes?

Hope is falling
Like sand through my hands
The front-page shows
that the end is already here

Live in the moment
and die along with it
Can you really move on
now that its done?

Take a breath
Its the last you'll get
Say goodbye
While you have the chance

Eternal Life comes after you die
Eternal Life comes after death
Eternal Life comes after you die
Eternal Life comes after death

Live in the moment
and die along with it
and... die... along... with... it...
#2
Here I go.....

Live in the moment
and die along with it
Can you really move on
when the end comes?

I liked this, but not sure I like it as an opener.

Hope is falling
Like sand through my hands
The front-page shows
that the end is already here

This grabbed my attention a bit. Fourth line seems a bit choppy.

Live in the moment
and die along with it
Can you really move on
now that its done?

Like how you changed the last two lines. It worked well.

Take a breath
Its the last you'll get
Say goodbye
While you have the chance

Decent.

Eternal Life comes after you die
Eternal Life comes after death
Eternal Life comes after you die
Eternal Life comes after death

Didn't like this at all. It just did absolutely nothing for the piece.

Live in the moment
and die along with it
and... die... along... with... it...

Okay, so all in all I don't think you said enough. You kind of just have a vague outline here, and not enough detail. For the subject you're talking about, I really think you need to say a lot more and really grab peoples' attention. Also, the format gets kind of boring (four lines each verse with no real sense of change in rhythm). I would do a whole re-write, keeping the subject matter there but changing how you say it.
Decent attempt.

Crit mine? It's called "Not Enough Time". Sorry, don't have the link handy.