#1
This is an old piece that i found written on a scrap of paper and sorta reworked...let me know what you think:

I ran
Down concrete-poured sidewalks, through speeding steel cars and over fences
I ran
Over bridges spanning the great seas and holding continents connected
I ran
Until my legs pumped acid, until my lungs seared and my feet ran raw
I ran through the dark places where the monsters and gods of the ancients dwelled, where no man has gone before
I ran past fossilized great lizards, the terrible rulers we inherited dominion from through the trickery of environmental catastrophe and evolutionary happenstance
I ran beyond the edges of this and other worlds
I ran until I reached the place where the sea meets the sun , the places known in legends as Talocan: the highest paradise.

The valkyries walked with me out to the edge, to the great waterfall of stars onto the universe.

I waited here for you.

Then I walked.
#2
You embodied it. You really did. You formed it and made it flow in a way that really furthers your idea. I like.

The imagery's seems a bit of an incohesive hodge-podge, but, for some reason I liked it and it all kinda spoke to me. But that's just me, so I'd still say on paper it's dodgy like that.

The environmental catastrophe line felt like a bit of a spanner in teh works though. Content-wise and I guess length-wise. It flows kinda horribly. Except for 'happenstance'. That picks it up just slightly.

As I'm sure ya know already the slowed-down and shorter lines at the end work a treat.

Always a pleasure to read your stuff Jay.
Ro
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#3
I ran
Down concrete-poured sidewalks, through speeding steel cars and over fences
Through speeding steel cars?
I ran
Over bridges spanning the great seas and holding continents connected
"Holding continents connected" sounds very, very awkward, could be reworked.
I ran
Until my legs pumped acid, until my lungs seared and my feet ran raw
Feet ran raw? That could be made considerably clearer.
I ran through the dark places where the monsters and gods of the ancients dwelled, where no man has gone before
I ran past fossilized great lizards, the terrible rulers we inherited dominion from
Slightly tricky flow here, could be revised. "Inherited dominion from" sounds incredibly awkward.
through the trickery of environmental catastrophe and evolutionary happenstance
These two lines bleed together badly and are jarring to the song, I would simply remove them.
I ran beyond the edges of this and other worlds
This is good structure here. I would just cut out the lines about the dinosaurs.
I ran until I reached the place where the sea meets the sun , the places known in legends as Talocan: the highest paradise.
These last two lines get kind of long, "The places known in legends as Talocan", could be revised to the place known as Talocan, the highest paradise.

The valkyries walked with me out to the edge, to the great waterfall of stars onto the universe.

I waited here for you.

Then I walked.
Overall it is a good song, or poem, or whatever it is. The structure is fairly well developed outside of the two lines about dinosaurs, and the last lines in the main body. The imagery is incredibly good, two thumbs up there. It is kind of short though, and could be lengthened. Well that's about all I got, I hope you found this helpful.
#4
Amazing, man. I loved the imagery, the poetry, the historical reference, all of it. The style was unique and completely sweet. I adored the ending. It was really a great song (or poem...). However, I had just one issue:
"I ran past fossilized great lizards, the terrible rulers we inherited dominion from through the trickery of environmental catastrophe and evolutionary happenstance"

This is wonderfully worded. It's got great ideals and excellent vocabulary. But, if this is a song, then you might need to fix this, because it's a little hard to make it throught the first time (it was the only line I messed up in my head-went back and figured it out quickly enough, but just letting you know that it does have a different feel and flow from the rest to quite some degree).

Either way, it's terrific. I really liked it

Crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6667344
#5
Despite this being on a piece of scrap paper, it was very well written. I liked the way it built up. By that i mean, first you were walking in a city, then by the end you're with Valkyries. It flowed very well. I could see this a being a 15 minute prog prock song, but that's just my taste. Anyways, keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Faust