#1
Call it a bit of a backdraft from the not-so-distant past!
Omegavolt
Two From The End


It will have blood.
Or so they say.





Tried



It spluttered, gushed and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison.
A gurgling scarlet cloud unfurled;
Curling silently in the swimmers' direction.
"If this is vivid, it's vivid enough
For me to feel the shingle and sand
Grit against the rough of my hand."
And for me, this was vivid.
And everywhere the swimmers tread
It went stealthily with dreadful intent.






__________________________
Okay, seriously people, I'm trying to improve. I need to improve and I need you to help me do that. So even if you do like every iota of it, please try to tell me why! I'm hoping moreso that people can help me weed out the negative aspects of the writing in this piece though. I will revise the shit outta this if folk'll only help me. I'm counting on you, don't let me down - don't let people down!
Ro


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Last edited by scousertommy at Aug 31, 2006,
#2
Call it a bit of a backdraft from the not-so-distant past!
Omegavolt
Two From The End


It will have blood.
Or so they say.





Tried



It spluttered, gushed and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison. Great beginning, nothing to fault.
A terrible cloud of crimson rushed forth I don't like the use of "terrible" here or infact "crimson"; terrible just sounds weak in comparison and i think that crimson is a bit of a cliche. Also i reckon there needs to be a semi-colon at the end of this line.
Stealthily in the swimmers' direction. Ok.
"If this is vivid, it's vivid enough
For me to feel the shingle and sand
Grit against the rough of my palm." Great.
And for me, it was vivid.
And everywhere the swimmers tread
It went stealthily with dreadful intent. Good ending






__________________________
Okay, seriously people, I'm trying to improve. I need to improve and I need you to help me do that. So even if you do like every iota of it, please try to tell me why! I'm hoping moreso that people can help me weed out the negative aspects of the writing in this piece though. I will revise the shit outta this if folk'll only help me. I'm counting on you, don't let me down - don't let people down!
Ro Ok.




Right, this is a great little ditty on the whole, it's just the parts i picked out which sound off. If you sort those out it will be perfect.
#3
i totally agree with caz^^^, yea, terrible sounds a lil weak in comparison with the rest of the language, but overall this piece is very good, enjoyed reading it. Good flow, good vocab, good phrases, smart rhyme. No crits at all
feel free to crit mine too
#4





Tried



It spluttered, gushed and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison.
A terrible cloud of crimson rushed forth Crimson is becoming somewhat of a cliche nowadays, I'm seeing it too often for my liking. "Terrible cloud" I think could also be made stronger, it sounds like a eight year old labeling his fears.
Stealthily in the swimmers' direction. So far I have a swimmer in a prison, but ten I'm never ine for working out metaphors.
"If this is vivid, it's vivid enough
For me to feel the shingle and sand
Grit against the rough of my palm."
And for me, it was vivid. I'd rather see a different word for vvid here, or above. "Real" or something else.
And everywhere the swimmers tread
It went stealthily with dreadful intent.
I didn't like the last two lines. Swimmers don't really walk, so why is it tread. Also, I think yo have to be more specific than "it" because it seems to vague for an ending.




Meh, I tried. My latest is in my sig if you could. Many thanks.




Jamie
#7
Ok, cool, this advice is good. I'll definitely find a word to substitute for "terrible". Hmm "crimson" I'm not so sure about changing. I mean I really am trying to convey that exact colour...Maybe it is clichéd, I know I've been inclined to use it for many months now...

Hehe, eight year old labelling his fears
I'll definitely edit in a substitute word for terrible.

Oh and jammy, it's actually not necessarily, like, a metaphor. It really is just part of the actual narrative, which you can think of as an extended metaphor if you like. But the narrative is intended to stand on it's own, so to speak.

Cheers muchos people, I'll get to yourses pieces today!
Ro
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#8

It spluttered, gushed and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison.

very interesting way to start the piece, as this sounds like something from the middle of a piece, or extract or whatever. Good sense of mystery about it which works well.

A gurgling scarlet cloud unfurled;
Curling silently in the swimmers' direction.

Love the assonance you have got going on ehre with "unfurled" and "curling", lovely word sounds. Okay well I have a fear of swimming and stuff so I'm kind of unnerved now I read this haha but s'all good, I can still appreciate the lyrical works And it's good (just scary )

"If this is vivid, it's vivid enough
For me to feel the shingle and sand
Grit against the rough of my palm."

To be honest, I know that it's cliched rhyming and all, but I really honestly think that "the rough of my hand" would sound A LOT better than "palm". The rhyming would be quirky and neat, and make this bit really stand out. I honestly think that would be awesome haha.

And for me, this was vivid.
And everywhere the swimmers tread
It went stealthily with dreadful intent.

And a perfect ending. Not much to say about this I'm afraid Ro. Lovely work, you say you're trying to improve, but IMO you've got a pretty solid style, albeit tending towards somewhat shorter pieces. But nonetheless, I always like to read your work, I enjoy it a lot
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#9
I'm doin' my best to pick out some possible improvements for you to make, mate. It's hard going.

It spluttered, gushed and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison.
The first line I feel is too long.

It spluttered and billowed suddenly
From the pipe in the wall of the prison.

This might work better because it flows quicker, thus heightening the threat factor you make.


A gurgling scarlet cloud unfurled;
Curling silently in the swimmers' direction.
My problem here is that the cloud appears to be gurgling silently, which is a paradox, I think. You might change it to:

A gurgling scarlet cloud unfurled;
Grotesquely bent/bending in the swimmers' direction.

I feel this is a more disgusting way of describing it.

Last bit:


And everywhere the swimmers tread
It went stealthily with dreadful intent.
Last line could become:

It pursued with malevolent intent.


Well, whatever. I've done my best here, so I hope I've been of some help, but if you disagree with my pointers, it's all good, as it's just opinion.