#1
recently changed my writing style (like within the past 3 or 4 weeks, and this is the first of the new bunch, so I'm curious to see the response). Thanks in advance for any critiques, I'm happy to return the favor.

the pennies of my newly left life
are the only things that i keep
i feel my breath comin' out so heavy
that these lungs inside me weep
could you tell the parting of the days
if you couldn't see east or west
the hollow shell you leave behind
is the breadcrumbs for the rest

[inst. break]

i'm so tired of my wasted days piling up
in that old dustbin
i've sat alone in the crowd for too long
feeling every sin
but a new hope's come along
making its own plans
i feel her lifting me up
to where the lights shine across the land

(bridge)
oh i know, that these days go by and i don't get high
i let, the trees and stars take me far and far and far

(chorus)
i wish you were here with me beneath this sky
so i wouldn't shed a tear
and so i wonder who cares when i die
one lowly whisper comes to my ear

the stars are the ones who care (repeat over instrumental of verse chords)

the bittersweet taste of your eyes
is what engulfs me
i see the hope in oblivion
in that pale serenity
the reflecting smiles hide not ruth
in all that they don't say
the alluring chant of the wind
hopes to find them one day

(bridge)

(chorus-changed)
i count the numbers on my days
and i get nearer
i find only so many ways
to travel without this fear
and as the sun glazes over my eye
a soul reaches down here
i wonder who cares when i die
and still that whisper comes to my ear

my star is the one who cares


i still wanna go and see the lights
that shine so bright
i see 'em in my head on each
of those lonely nights
Last edited by Ezra_Zimmerman at Sep 13, 2006,
#2
the pennies of my newly left life
are the only things that i keep
i feel my breath comin' out so heavy
that these lungs inside me weep

Good start.

i know my chances are so slim
but i want more
than these dreams in my head to become
such a bore

More/Bore seems very forced and really brought down the intro.

the signs of my home grow so faint as the hours get late
nothing shines a bright as fate [this is still in question, I'd like to take it out]

I don't see how this fits really.

looking for a lonely soul's lane
the path gets hard
i feel the dirt crush between my toes
and i wonder what's too far
maybe the faces and places in my head
can show what i once felt
i know there's one in particular
that'll make me melt

This was good but I'm not really likin' "and I wonder what's too far". I think you should re-phrase that. On second thought, this verse entirely isn't quite as strong as you first one. Some metaphors would work well here, instead of "i know there's one in particular that'll make me melt".

(bridge)
oh i know, that these days go by and i don't get high
i let, the trees and stars take me far and far and far

The repitition doesn't do justice, at least not on paper. You may be able to resolve that problem depending on how it's actually suppose to sound when sung.

(chorus)
i free my heart from the trap in which it lies
and i don't shed a tear
but i wonder who cares when i die
one lowly whisper comes to my ear

Not great but not bad. It's been said before so it doesn't really do anything for me.

the stars are the ones who care (repeat over instrumental of verse chords)

the bittersweet taste of your eyes
is what engulfs me
i see the hope in oblivion
in that pale serenity
the reflecting smiles hide not ruth
in all that they don't say
the alluring chant of the wind
hopes to find them one day

Didn't like the use of "engulf", it seems out of place. However this verse is one of the stronger ones in the piece.

(bridge)

(chorus-changed)
i count the numbers on my days
and i get nearer
i find only so many ways
to travel without this fear
and as the sun glazes over my eye
a soul reaches down here
i wonder who cares when i die
and still that whisper comes to my ear

my star is the one who cares

Better

i still wanna go and see the lights
that shine so bright
i see 'em in my head on each
of those lonely nights

Good ending. Closes the piece nicely.

I thought this one was just okay. It has potential to be much better. And I didn't really take notice of any smooth transitions from each verse to the next. all in all, good job.

Crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=423891