#1
It finally came out!


The Draft

Live through an experience
Colloquial at best.
Cast away all boundaries
And never stop to rest.
Cross beyond the unknown,
Cling to nothing old.
Renewal needs destruction
Actions taken, stories told.

Which brings us to this precedent:
This desperate land,
This desperate year
In which we must incant
Our darkest Furies
To pulverize their fear.

They,
The remnants of our populace;
The fragments of our noble blood
Must be driven to solace
To glorify dead boys in mud.

This is no mere transfiguration;
This is no petty task:
Turning water into wine
Is nothing small to ask.

The turbulence of fluids
Does not yield to itself.
A desperate miracle is in need;
A chemical coaxing of the Flesh;
A holy reward for holy deed;
A eulogy for kings ne?er meant to lead.

X______________________
#2
I'll be sure to look at this in greater detail sometime, but I wonder if I can ask whether you use similar forms to John Donne. I remember 'To Pen the Name' reminded me a lot of his works.

One quick thing- was the half-rhyme at the bottom intentional, as to have an effect? If not, it would be an idea to rework it, I feel.

I'm already enying the various forms you've put into this one. Cheers for now.
#3


Live through an experience
Colloquial at best.
Cast away all boundaries
And never stop to rest.
Cross beyond the unknown,
Cling to nothing old.
Renewal needs destruction
Actions taken, stories told.

"Colloquial at best"- love that line! What a great way to express this meaning lol, really sounds good. This stanza is very impressive Pooch, the structure and rhythm sounds like a theme or chant of something.

Which brings us to this precedent:
This desperate land,
This desperate year
In which we must incant
Our darkest Furies
To pulverize their fear.

Your vocabulary is fantastic, love it. The capitalisation on "Furies" is interesting here, really gives it a sort of persona I feel which emphasises and makes the word all the more effective Cet, uh, stanza (sais pas le mot :P), je l'aime

They,
The remnants of our populace;
The fragments of our noble blood
Must be driven to solace
To glorify dead boys in mud.

This has absolutely lovely words, but the 3rd line really sticks out because the number of syllables doens't account to the corretc rhythm one would expect. When I read it it cuts off so sharply because the natural way that one says it, we expect it to carry on flowing like the first 2. Lovely words, but that line comes accross really awkwardly, and my suggest would be to add some mroe syllables.

This is no mere transfiguration;
This is no petty task:
Turning water into wine
Is nothing small to ask.

Parfait.

The turbulence of fluids
Does not yield to itself.

To be honest, I don't relaly like this bit. Maybe I'm just not getting it right or something, but it's jsut a bit "meh" IMO :/

A desperate miracle is in need;
A chemical coaxing of the Flesh;
A holy reward for holy deed;
A eulogy for kings ne?er meant to lead.

X______________________

Not sure if this last line is part of the piece or if you're like signing off or something? Anyway the stanza is lovely, really nice finishing touch to a great piece, no crits for this bit

Good job, I relaly really liked this one. Somewhat intense and mysterious, yet at the same time refreshing and pleasant.
Quote by Kensai
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#4
A special thank you to both of you!

CJW: yeah, I enjoy Donne's work a lot, but can't say I'm much of an expert on him either. Cool writer. My english prof is doing his PHD thesis on that same 2nd wave of metaphysical poets.

Alice, check up on your Greek mythology for the bit on the Furies, should help you understand. The awkward rhythm is intended, a form of emphasis. For the meaning of this piece as a part of the collective narrative of which it is part, I'd encourage you to check up on the piece preceding it (Birth: An Unexpected Vindication) especially towards one line in the last paragraph. As a clue I have used the exact same rhyming pair introduced in the particular line I'm refering you to in this piece. This also explains the last line, as well as its connection to the dualistic meaning of the title.


Here's the link.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=417206&highlight=birth
#6
All in all, this is an enjoyable and thought-provoking read.

One line I'm not sure about is, 'To glorify dead boys in mud.' It didn't have the same quality as the rest, although that may go a long way to amplifying the impact of the image.

We'll call this a bump, 'cause I'm sure you're definitely one who doesn't get enough critiques; myself being a main offender!
#7
Quote by CJW

We'll call this a bump, 'cause I'm sure you're definitely one who doesn't get enough critiques; myself being a main offender!

Nae, it's me who doesn't give enough crits. I really should and I will try to do so...

Oh and I have Will reading on this piece too, so I'm greatly lucky with all the crits I've received here so far.