#1
Mmmkay...I would like to start off saying that I'm really pumped I found this forum, because I have been searching for some feedback. Here, from memory, is a song that I wrote the other day. (The lyrics are simple, but only because the guitar is pretty laid-back/mellow)

Hand in Hand

Verse 1:
I don't know where you're going,
I don't care where you've been.
All I know is that you're here now,
And we're running hand in hand...

All my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings,
All my words cannot describe.
Why is it that when I'm with you,
My emotions I can't hide...
Away

Chorus:
I'll run away (x3)
with you.

Verse 2:
When it's raining, I think of you,
The sun shines through, you're on my mind.
And for the briefest moment with you,
I would leave my life behind.

Chorus:
Oh, let me stay (x3)
with you.

Instrumental Bridge

Chorus:
It's all okay (x3)
when I'm with you.

Verse 3:
When I break, it's you who mends me,
When I fall, you lift me up.
Don't know who I'd be without you,
And I can't seem to get enough.

Chorus:
Gave all away (x3)
I gave it all away for you.

Fade


So....there it is. I know the choruses "read" rough, but they're more improvised than they look. Yeah, all criticism welcome.
#3
I have just read a couple of the others lyrics but yours actually clicked, I had the guitar in my head (probably dosn't sound like what I think it sounds like or the lyrics). It works. You've got talent.
#4
i really like the first two lines of the first verse, its like a "i don't care what burdens you have im just glad i have you" sorta thing. the chorus' are fine, and they go well with the title of the song.
#5
Yeh good work, it's not a bad piece and I think it would work really nicely set to good acoustic music. The only thing I would be careful of is using lines like 'my emotions I can't hide' which sound a little stilted if not done well...I guess that is where the music and vocal comes in to either save or sink you.

I really love the last chorus and the previous 'I can't seem to get enough'...it gives the piece a little bit more of a desperate and honest tinge.

sweet work my friend.

crit mine?
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#6
i really enjoyed it, but the first 2 lines, when i read them with a deep voice reminded me of Ween's Reggajunkiejew..

the choruses changing didnt really combined for me...because they didnt built up...
...And The Nominees Are
#7
Thanks you guys, keep 'em coming. Iill go crit for crit if you post a link for me. And I must say that at no point in my life do I wish to sound like Ween.
#8
Told you I'd get to it.

Hand in Hand

Verse 1:
I don't know where you're going,
I don't care where you've been.
All I know is that you're here now,
And we're running hand in hand...

Good start.

All my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings,
All my words cannot describe.
Why is it that when I'm with you,
My emotions I can't hide...
Away

The "away" looks odd here but I'm sure it sounds well to music. I like the general flow you have set so far.

Chorus:
I'll run away (x3)
with you.

Nothing to say here. Not particularly the most original thing to say but it does fit the song very well.

Verse 2:
When it's raining, I think of you,
The sun shines through, you're on my mind.
And for the briefest moment with you,
I would leave my life behind.

Nice word choice.

Chorus:
Oh, let me stay (x3)
with you.

Instrumental Bridge

Chorus:
It's all okay (x3)
when I'm with you.

Nice change to the chorus, lookin' good.

Verse 3:
When I break, it's you who mends me,
When I fall, you lift me up.
Don't know who I'd be without you,
And I can't seem to get enough.

This would sound sweet with a bit of a stronger tempo. That's what I'm thinkin' at least

Chorus:
Gave all away (x3)
I gave it all away for you.

Fade

Okay, so to conclude, for an acoustic/more mellow piece this was realyl good. It's basic but that's the best part about it. Usually I would say add metaphors/imagery blah blah blah, but I deem that unneccesary here. Well done overall
#9
Wow, a very nice song indeed. I could actually hear an acoustic in my head while i sang along to your lyrics. I love how the chorus changes throughout the entire peice. The words are simple, not to sophisticated and thats how I like my songs. Good job.
#10
omg. this is really good. u have a tab for this? lol. i like it alot it's sooooooo good. & im in LOVE with acoustic songs so....you gets a SCHMiLLiON points from this chicka!


Quote by mcole07

Hand in Hand

Verse 1:
I don't know where you're going,
I don't care where you've been.
All I know is that you're here now,
And we're running hand in hand...

All my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings,
All my words cannot describe.
Why is it that when I'm with you,
My emotions I can't hide...
Away

Chorus:
I'll run away (x3)
with you.

Verse 2:
When it's raining, I think of you,
The sun shines through, you're on my mind.
And for the briefest moment with you,
I would leave my life behind.

Chorus:
Oh, let me stay (x3)
with you.

Instrumental Bridge

Chorus:
It's all okay (x3)
when I'm with you.

Verse 3:
When I break, it's you who mends me,
When I fall, you lift me up.
Don't know who I'd be without you,
And I can't seem to get enough.

Chorus:
Gave all away (x3)
I gave it all away for you.

Fade


So....there it is. I know the choruses "read" rough, but they're more improvised than they look. Yeah, all criticism welcome.
#11
Thanks for the comments you guys and gals...

As far as the TAB goes, I haven't written one yet...it's all in my head.
And yeah, I did intend for the song to be simple/unsophisticated.

Cool cool.
#13
Uh, I haven't recorded it yet, I don't know if I will. I just kind of wrote it in like 5 minutes, but perhaps I will record/Tab it.
#14
For what it is, I like it.

Usually, I like more focused love songs, but I think you were going for a more general love song, and you did an awesome job.

The verses read a little rough, but if you can find a mellow guitar part in your head to read them to, they make good sense and sound pretty. I love it.

I'll edit in a link to mine shortly.

Edit: This is it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=433331
Last edited by The_bushidoka at Sep 14, 2006,