#1
meh, first piece i've actually completed in a long time. i don't know what to think of this one. leave links. thanks.

"untitled ix"

fervent prayers ring throughout these passageways,
while the rosary hangs from us as we fall onto our knees.
it weighs us down,
and our whispers digress from inside the confessionals.

why are we here? why are we here?
all hope has not been lost;
there was never any hope to begin with.

as the reclusive aficionados perish all throughout;
all luminescence fades from the decreasing walls.
and we pass through the stain-glass shards,
to a vacant lot where we've parked our cars.

we won't be here much longer.
eventually we all are ghosts.

and on the way home i'll close my eyes
and pass through the traffic lights,
past the perishing street signs,
and pretend that everything will be alright.

you can participate with the breaching of these barricades,
but remember that those digressions aren't completely hidden,
they'll return again along with amendments and plans that were made.

this is an awakening, a rememberance of those who have passed away.
this is an awakening; a memory of those statue-esque figures that remain.
this is an awakening; a fitting tribute to those who still dream.
godspeed; this is so disheartening.

this is an awakening, or lack thereof.
Last edited by Final at Sep 1, 2006,
#4
nice piece keeno, but it did nothing for me. I don't wan tto sound harsh, but when I read this I'm jsut reminded of all your other pieces, they all seema wfully similar. I'm sure they're not and it's just my memory being the ****wit that it is, but like, it just doesnt seem very original tbh. No offence or anything meant, I'm just being honest. You have wonderful vocabularly here, but the theme of death and ghosts and dying love and being lost and stuff... heard it before
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
Quote by jallas
nice piece keeno, but it did nothing for me. I don't wan tto sound harsh, but when I read this I'm jsut reminded of all your other pieces, they all seema wfully similar. I'm sure they're not and it's just my memory being the ****wit that it is, but like, it just doesnt seem very original tbh. No offence or anything meant, I'm just being honest. You have wonderful vocabularly here, but the theme of death and ghosts and dying love and being lost and stuff... heard it before


Yeah...

It's just... more of the same, with excellent language.

This is my complaint with many 'eloquent' writers here.
#6
Yeah, I took alot from my last few pieces and put them into this. I know it does nothing for you, but it really does mean something to me. Thanks guys. I appreciate it.

I'll get back in ma' groove sooner or later. And I'll try repaying crits within the next couple of days.
#7
Quote by Final
Yeah, I took alot from my last few pieces and put them into this. I know it does nothing for you, but it really does mean something to me. Thanks guys. I appreciate it.

I'll get back in ma' groove sooner or later. And I'll try repaying crits within the next couple of days.


Well that's the thing, you could release this in a book without the others and it would be excellent. But having read your previous pieces it detracts from this one.
#8
fervent prayers ring throughout these passageways,
while the rosary hangs from us as we fall onto our knees.
it weighs us down,
and our whispers digress from inside the confessionals.
Nice setting of mood. I really like the idea you've presented right at the beginning of the piece, though unfortunately I cannot relate. The only thing I wondered about was "rosary" as a singular while using "we". Intentional?

why are we here? why are we here?
all hope has not been lost;
there was never any hope to begin with.
Quite cliche but in the scheme of the piece it doesn't stand out too much.

as the reclusive aficionados perish all throughout;
all luminescence fades from the decreasing walls.
and we pass through the stain-glass shards,
to a vacant lot where we've parked our cars.
Repetition of "all" stood out, other than that I really liked this part.

we won't be here much longer.
eventually we all are ghosts.
A bit confusing with the tenses. "won't" and "are" seemed to contradict, yet I have to say I kind of liked it on a second reading.

and on the way home i'll close my eyes
and pass through the traffic lights,
past the perishing street signs,
and pretend that everything will be alright.
Nothing to say about this one. Written well.

you can participate with the breaching of these barricades,
but remember that those digressions aren't completely hidden,
they'll return again along with amendments and plans that were made.
I really like this one. Well done on the internal rhyming, content was prominent with returning to themes mentioned earlier. Good flow. Very solid.

this is an awakening, a rememberance of those who have passed away.
this is an awakening; a memory of those statue-esque figures that remain.
this is an awakening; a fitting tribute to those who still dream.
godspeed; this is so disheartening.

this is an awakening, or lack thereof.
Such a lovely way to end the piece. I liked this a lot.

It felt to me as if in the middle of the piece you were struggling with expressing what was in your mind and shaping it into sentences, as if there was more to it and you couldn't expand more because of the structure.
In any case, I really enjoyed this and I hope I will see more of your work soon. It's been missed.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#9
Yeah James, I know what you mean. I did take quite a bit from other pieces and I threw it all together into this one, meh, I'll be working on fresh new stuff soon I hope.

And Thanks Carm, I always love your crits. You are right too, I was struggling in the middle of this piece, I'll maybe revise this later on. Thanks a ton. I hope to have more work up here soon, I haven't been writing much lately.

Love you guys.