#1
This song took the melody of a song which I originally thought it should be done with overdrive. but then took the form of a country like chords with no stoppage.


You don?t chew and then you wonder why you don?t taste
You're so unpredictable it hurts
There's a way for me to tell a story in which you can learn
But you knew the punch line all along

You are the fable
That breaks all my bones
You are excitement in which I wait to call her home

I dream it every night
There is no point to fight
Delirium contains all senses but sight
But I don?t need tell you because It's trite

Tribal appendix separated alone from the rest
It helps you people to convert
I move your memory from my mind to my chest
You eat me alive and my mind is desert

Don?t try to ignore the noise
It keeps you awake at nights
If you lie you can't fit in my front door
But I'll keep a place for you from the back
It breaks my back picking up after you
I'm running next to a payment overdue
The flies are gathering and pushing you away
I am the artist and after all you are the clay

You are the cradle
In which I rock
You are the reason that my mind is fully stocked


Feel free for living a link if you want a criting back


Jagarmeister -
...And The Nominees Are
Last edited by jagstang270 at Aug 31, 2006,
#2
You don?t chew and then you wonder why you don?t taste
You're so unpredictable it hurts
There's a way for me to tell a story in which you can learn
But you knew the punch line all along

Amazing intro, sucked me in with the first line. The fourth line doesn't read as well as the others though, but that doesn't necissarily matter.

You are the fable
That breaks all my bones
You are excitement in which I wait to call her home

Nothing bad to say here. I can relate.

I dream it every night
There is no point to fight
Delirium contains all senses but sight
But I don?t need tell you because It's trite

The sudden change in the rhyme scheme threw me off a bit. I was never a big fan of the AAAA scheme so this doesn't sit well with me. Line 2 itself just seems thrown in the to fill a void. As does Line 4. Personally I would re-write this bit.

Tribal appendix separated alone from the rest
It helps you people to convert
I move your memory from my mind to my chest
You eat me alive and my mind is desert

Hehe. This was fantastic.

Don?t try to ignore the noise
It keeps you awake at nights
If you lie you can't fit in my front door
But I'll keep a place for you from the back
It breaks my back picking up after you
I'm running next to a payment overdue
The flies are gathering and pushing you away
I am the artist and after all you are the clay

The dual use of "back" doesn't work well. I would change the second "back".

You are the cradle
In which I rock
You are the reason that my mind is fully stocked

Good.
Love the imagery that you used throughout the piece. Right now this is really good, with a few minor changes I think this would be really great.
Well done
#3
Very, very nice...

I'm really bad at forums, and I suck at quoting, so....

I tend to be a fan of half-rhymes, but your rhymes worked with this piece. I am a little concerned about the AAAA pattern that you slip into. But if you really like it, go with it; just my personal preference. Superb imagery and diction. I also love the title, very cool.

If you feel like it....
Hand in Hand (Acoustic/Mellow)

^It's a fairly simplistic song, so.....yeah......
#4
Thank you very much!!! the AAAA part goeas really good with the music so i tend on keeping it.

the repeating "Back" i guess i'll change, thanks for the positive support, (every support is.)
...And The Nominees Are