#1
?Facing the Music (and it Sounds like it belongs in a funeral)?
Adam Schultz
12/28/2005

I spent nights awake just mapping out
Everything that I would say
All the things that I would forget about
On the very next day
Because I never told you
That I can?t swim
But I want to learn from you
Could you help me with this?

She doesn?t love me
I know this for a fact
I need to stop revisiting
Stop taking steps back
Toward all of the thoughts
Of all the dates we shared
And all of our late night talks
Where I told you how much I cared
Even though we never left my house
And no breath ever left my mouth
I?m sorry that this never existed

Now I disappear at random moments
No one knows where I go
On walks through out the campus
Almost always all on my own
I wish I had someway
I wish I had someone
That could help me learn to swim
That could help me get over this

She doesn?t love me
I know this for a fact
I need to stop revisiting
Stop taking steps back
Toward all of the thoughts
Of all the dates we shared
And all of our late night talks
Where I told you how much I cared
Even though we never left my house
And no breath ever left my mouth
I?m sorry that this never existed

Load up your guns
(Load up your guns)
Make sure to tell everyone
(Make sure to tell everyone)
That I won?t miss missing sleep over you

She doesn?t love me
I know this for a fact
I need to stop revisiting
Stop taking steps back
Toward all of the thoughts
Of all the dates we shared
And all of our late night talks
Where I told you how much I cared
Even though we never left my house
And no breath ever left my mouth
I?m sorry that this never existed

And I won?t miss, missing sleep over you
#3
Hey I think it's pretty good. Just one tiny thing, imo the stanza (or is it your chorus?, markings would be helpful) beginning with "She doesn?t love me" is way to long to be repeated 3 times, makes the song a bit repetitive. Part from that I really like it, the theme makes it easy to connect to.
the show must go on.
#4
I was about to leave a nice helpful comment, but you bumped your piece, which is against the rules. I know it's frustrating, but leave comments on others pieces and leave a link.

I know it sucks sometimes, so I'm going to help anyway, because I hate not getting responses too.

First: Flow.

Where I told you how much I cared

Make the "How much" to a 'that'. It flows better, even if it's not as good a 'line' then. It's not a hard hitting line anyway.

There was another thing, but I can't find it now... oh well, I guess it wasn't a big thing then.

Now: My thoughts on this really. It's a decent faux-love song, but nothing more. I've read the same thing(and better) many many times. Try to vary up what you write about, not just love and girls. That gets boring. Also, you just told us everything, and left no room for interpretation. The reader doesn't enjoy that. Use some metaphors and write more subtle.

Also, I think there isn't enough 'substance' to this. It's mostly just repitition with some short verses in there. Your chorus is practically as long as the verses AND the bridge combined. That's annoying. Too repetitive.

"And I won?t miss, missing sleep over you"

I love that line.

I've got a new one on the front page, if you could give it a read I'd appreciate it.
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 1, 2006,