#1
Hey yall. I'll try to crit for crit if you guys leave a link or something. Also, I'll have a recording up of this song with my band in the riffs and recording forum later, I'll put up the link when it's done. This song's sorta a simple band song that's fun to play and easy to listen to, and hopefully catchy. The few times we've played it live, we've gotten a pretty good response, but it was way too simple so I tweaked it a bit and we're gonna record it today. Thanks for reading.

[verse]
ive been told i'm a heartbreaker but I never had the chance to love
and every time I got close I killed it cause it never was real enough
i fell in love with a fantasy girl
and lived my life in a fantasy world
but it all fell apart one day when finally I woke up

hey!

can't force myself to feel something, gotta see what I can see
can't force yourself to be someone, gotta be who ya be
you live a lie and they'll see right through
you can't slip by cause they're watchin you
and if you stay true to yourself then maybe you're the one for me

[chorus:]
come to me
i've been watchin you and I want you to
make my day
pick me up for a night, come and make me right
come to me
well I don't need you now, just want to see you now
come to me, yeah
don't get over your head, don't want to lose myself again, no

[verse]
i won't tell a lie for sure and the thing that brought my eyes to you
was this feeling down inside my soul that maybe you were something new
let's be in it for ourselves
don't you think of no one else
realize tonight that this is what you wanna do

[chorus]
[instrumental bridge]
[half-chorus]
[outro]
#2
Hello..

[verse]
ive been told i'm a heartbreaker but I never had the chance to love
and every time I got close I killed it cause it never was real enough
i fell in love with a fantasy girl
and lived my life in a fantasy world
but it all fell apart one day when finally I woke up


good verse. i don't think the flow could be an issue with your genre. i like the way you rhymed fantasy girl and fantasy world. effective start!

hey!


the hey goes well here

can't force myself to feel something, gotta see what I can see
can't force yourself to be someone, gotta be who ya be
you live a lie and they'll see right through
you can't slip by cause they're watchin you
and if you stay true to yourself then maybe you're the one for me


again i like the rhyme. effective rhyming pattern makes this more interesting (not another boring AABB)

[chorus:]

come to me
i've been watchin you and I want you to
make my day
pick me up for a night, come and make me right
come to me
well I don't need you now, just want to see you now
come to me, yeah
don't get over your head, don't want to lose myself again, no


I like this. it's very good. i think i know how this would sound like. i really like the 'come to me', with one break over there. very very interesting!

[verse]
i won't tell a lie for sure and the thing that brought my eyes to you
was this feeling down inside my soul that maybe you were something new
let's be in it for ourselves
don't you think of no one else
realize tonight that this is what you wanna do


again, a very good verse.


in conclusion, this was a pretty good song! i think i would wanna hear this! good job! 9/10

please review my piece 'gummy worm' the link is in the signature
Last edited by zwound at Aug 31, 2006,