#1
Hi again! ive been working a little bit on my second song, it's called 'gummy worm', although there's nothign about it in the song . This song is VERY personal, and is also very metaphorical, so unless you know me well, you can't figure it out.

have some time to read this (this would make this song much clearer):

my parents are divorced, while both want what is good for me, both disagree on many things. they are divorced, but definitely not friendly, god they would bite each other's heads off if gone too close. anyway, i often either need to choose over my mum or dad, and usually it makes someone happy (the one i chose) and someone extremely miserable and angry (the one i didn't choose). for example yesterday i had to choose between my mum's doctor, or my dad's doctor. i chose my mums, my dad started yelling at me, so i chose his, when i chose his, my mum called me up and started yelling at me again...i mean..this is very stressful...and it goes on and on...so here you go. oh yeah, i live with my dad now (first time) and he's into 'family' while he's an arsehole himself. drinks himself half dead and then expects my respect and empathy.

verse1.


A levitation device
requires magnets
to make a piece of
cold metal hover
between two plates,
one of them negative
the other unknown

NOTES: - the verse is sung as if it's all just one sentence (which it is)


2 x prechorus:


all i want is for you to want
to give me to a good home


chorus:

pulled by threads
attached to ribs
i have no choice
but to step aside.
but when pulled
at the same time
it breaks my heart
in two it shreads

while all the blood
still stays inside.

NOTE: during the last 2 lines, only the singer (me) is heard.


verse 2:

Grey walls indicate
concrete regime and
communismic bastards
my name in spray paint
on the walls should
make 'em see that i'm
not like everyone else

2 x prechorus:

all i want is for you to want
to give me to a good home

chorus:

pulled by threads
attached to ribs
i have no choice
but to step aside.
but when pulled
at the same time
it breaks my heart
in two it shreads
while all the blood
still stays inside.

outro:


inside a good home
inside a good home
inside a good home
i was raised alone


crit 4 crit is welcome, tomorrow is school :P,(god damn it) so i might post ur replies later.

PS. my crits will be the same style as yours. if u full crit, ill full crit, if u say it's good, then i'll either say its good or bad. you get the picture!

peace
Last edited by zwound at Aug 31, 2006,
#3
i like it. The structure is very appealing to me, and it flows well. Good ideas and imagery. However, why a song about divorce and fighting parents is called gummyworm is beyond me.
<Han> I love Hitler
#4
well, i'ts nothing really bout that, but i guess it's...because i'm a kid?
actually, i've always liked gummyworms, and i discovered them when my parents made me live with my grandparents when they did all the pre-divorce fighting.
Last edited by zwound at Sep 1, 2006,
#5
Im not really much of a guy to critique someone elses songs seeing how I have little experience and dont know much knowledge of how things are supposed to be. Just my heart lol. But I like this song. I cant imagine some parts of it being sung in a live band
ex: "a levitation device requires magnets to make a piece of cold metal hover between two plates..." I think it would sound kind of odd if i heard someone singing this, it doesnt flow well to me. BUT I think they are very smart, thought-out lyrics and Im sure you can make them work.
#6
actually, they all work, i tried them yesterday. the only bit that's a little hard in this song is the line ''communismic bastards', but thats coz it's only two words
#7
oh yeah, and the verses, you don't stop singing, or singing/mumbling...it's one sentence, and the verse is kinda fast. its so fast that i don't breathe during the verse if i sing it.
#9
It's pretty unique
and i can feel the inspiration by reading it

a very heartfelt song
awesome
StueyALBB
#10
love the chorus!!!, the rest i duno about, but i bet if i heard it in a song i wuld love it too!! gud stuff
#12
i liked it man, good chorus keep it up
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#13
its interesting...the structure of the verses confuses me abit.
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#15
The verses were pretty good, and the content was effective at bringing out your emotions (nice imagery etc.)

The prechorus and finish were very disappointing though. Far too simple and sentimental. Based on the rest of the piece I think you could have done a far better job at working those two imporatant bits. But quite nice altogether.
#16
I really liked it.. I could see the words and the structure and y'know..everything was great. I like the verses they're really good, and I liked the chorus even more. Parts of it I can see weren't great lyrically, but it'd make it a lot easier to make it into a song. Sorry about your parents though..
ferret.