#1
Save My Soul
This is a song about the betrayal of others due to the love of one person.

See me now as I really am
Not everything that you dream of
I want to get you alone
And tell you my secrets
Your silhouette painted on the moon
The night air fills our breath
I might not make it to dawn
Cause your love is my death
Everything I ever wanted is right here
And you represent everything I left, my dear

So please dont leave me now
Its too late to turn around
And you're everything I need
somehow
So save my soul again tonight
Let me know that I'm alive
And I've got everything I need
To survive

They grasp me tight by each wrist
Knowing I have turned my back
Walking away from the ones
Who now belong in my past
The lifeless bodies lacking love
Deserve my thoughts and prayers
And though Im leaving them here
They should know I still care
Last edited by better_than_you at Sep 1, 2006,
#2
See me now as I really am
Not everything that you dream of
I want to get you alone
And tell you my secrets
Your silhouette painted on the moon
The night air fills our breath
I might not make it to dawn
Cause your love is my death
Everything I ever wanted is right here
And everything I left You represent, my dear


very cool setting. i like the night features ,and then ''not make it to dawn''. very cool indeed. good stanza overall .

So please dont leave me now
Its too late to turn around
And you're everything I need somehow
So save my soul again tonight
Let me know that I'm alive
And I've got everything I need
To survive


i like thhe 3 rhymes at the beginning, they're really effective. i like the whole of this chorus...lol i can't say much cause there's nothing to say but good job! :d

They grasp me tight by each wrist
Knowing I have turned my back
Walking away from the ones
Who now belong in my past
The lifeless bodies lacking love
Deserve my thoughts and prayers
And though Im leaving them here
They should know I still care


hehe, a nice twist to the story at the end there. good alit. (''lacking love''). a good line to end it with....

please crit4crit....chck out my newst song gummyworm...the link is in the sig

hope this was helpful
#3
yeah thanx man. I know its not the greatest song but i need to no where I stand right now on my songwriting and how I can get better at it, thats my goal right now.
#4
r u kidding? no one wants to complain about this song?! come on, im sure somebody has something to say about it.
#5
Quote by better_than_you
Save My Soul

See me now as I really am
Not everything that you dream of
I want to get you alone
And tell you my secrets
Your silhouette painted on the moon
The night air fills our breath
I might not make it to dawn
Cause your love is my death
Everything I ever wanted is right here
And you represent everything I left, my dear
Ok I like this stanza, no comments on anything paricular here, flow was good overall and some of the lines are really beautiful.

So please dont leave me now
Its too late to turn around
And you're everything I need
somehow
So save my soul again tonight
Let me know that I'm alive
And I've got everything I need
To survive
I reckon this is the weakest part of the song. Almost looks like you ran out of fantasy and went for some clichés like "You're everything i need". those lines are just used too frequently. Would add alot more personal touch if you could rephrase those parts of the song i think.

They grasp me tight by each wrist
Knowing I have turned my back
Walking away from the ones
Who now belong in my past
The lifeless bodies lacking love
Deserve my thoughts and prayers
And though Im leaving them here
They should know I still care
another good stanza here
again it flows really well and the two last lines
rounds up the song nicely.



btw, got any music for it yet? would be lovely on acoustic I think^^
the show must go on.
#6
Thanx, thats wut i need to hear. I assumed the chorus should be a bit more general than the rest of the song but i get what youre saying. cliche cliche cliche. and i dont have any music yet, im gonna work on that soon. im not much of an acoustic guy but i might try it out