#1
The street sign glows gold and blinds the crowd
Suede dreams speak of a time to tell
of the triumphs and anguish of our heart
We all thought you were brilliant but not sly as well

The skyscrapers bend and sway like a sunflower
Seasickness swells up on my tongue
I know you were going for friendship
But doesn't it appear it was you who got stung?

I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.

My six-shooter is coated in dust and grime
Where it lies is where is will stay
You still refuse to look at me straight
And the gun hasn't moved from where it lays

Obviously this isn't supposed to end well
It could mean alot of things
I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.

I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.
#2
This is really good. I love the imagery and symbolism you have enweaved here, really gives this piece a good feel to it. The only thing I didn't relaly like was the repititive rhymnig structure in most of the stanza, the rhythm became predictable and somewhat underwhelming. Nonetheless, good piece, well done
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
Quote by willtheworld
The street sign glows gold and blinds the crowd
Suede dreams speak of a time to tell
of the triumphs and anguish of our heart
We all thought you were brilliant but not sly as well

Great imagery, brillaint last line.

The skyscrapers bend and sway like a sunflower
Seasickness swells up on my tongue
I know you were going for friendship
But doesn't it appear it was you who got stung?

Again, solid stuff. Better than solid, actually, really good.

I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.

Good, except the first two lines are kind of based on the same thing, although I like th elink between the last two lines.

My six-shooter is coated in dust and grime
Where it lies is where is will stay
You still refuse to look at me straight
And the gun hasn't moved from where it lays

The only problem i have here is with the rhyme scheme and the unexciting rhymes, but eve that's not a major problem when you're writing this well.

Obviously this isn't supposed to end well
It could mean alot of things
I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.

Better than the three-liner earlier.

I don't even wanna return to how it was
that isn't my aim though
I missed my favourite part.

Yes, that three liner.


I said you had potential a while back, and you're showing it now. Keep this up and you're my WoTM nomination, really good stuff, and you're consistent with it aswell.

My latest is in my sig, if you could. Many thanks.

Jamie