#1
Leave a link, if you please.

The stars which transfix the night-gazers
Burn with the jealousy of the sun.

The maiden slumbers expectantly
In the dreams of uninitiated men.

My midnight silence is troubled
By the heavy sighs of my sleeping stepfather.

My desires circle your bedroom,
Beseeching you to complete me,
So that I can complete you,
And we can complete ourselves.
#2
The stars which transfix the night-gazers
Burn with the jealousy of the sun. like that a lot

The maiden slumbers expectantly
In the dreams of uninitiated men.what do u mean by uninitiated men? kinda confused here

My midnight silence is troubled
By the heavy sighs of my sleeping stepfather. bringing in your stepfather seems out of place but maybe i dont get it, still i like these lines...

My desires circle your bedroom,
Beseeching you to complete me,
So that I can complete you,
And we can complete ourselves. and that is awsome, might be cliched but you kinda uncliche it... good end

good overall man, sorry to say i didnt fall in love with it but i still think its good (whose that in your avatar?)

and could you look at mine plz, its in sig
#3
The stars which transfix the night-gazers
Burn with the jealousy of the sun.


that's cool, good choice of words.

The maiden slumbers expectantly
In the dreams of uninitiated men.


again, cool, in an abstract-weird-ish way(in a good way )

My midnight silence is troubled
By the heavy sighs of my sleeping stepfather


i like this alot. these 2 lines just tell so much.

My desires circle your bedroom,
Beseeching you to complete me,
So that I can complete you,
And we can complete ourselves.


i find it abit...familiar...you know, seen it too many times before the whole 'complete' thing.

crit mine too please...the link is in the sig. (gummy worm)
#4
Sorry, CJW, I didn't get on board with this one. It just seemed either a bit vague, or an extended metaphor that in the end bored me. The only part I liked was the last stanza, I didn't think too much of the couplets.

So, sorry, probably just me, but this didn't grip me like your other efforts.

If you could, my latest is in my sig, many thanks.

Jamie