#1
Allusions galore in this one. Enjoy it. I'm not sure how much writing will get done in the current month. P.S. This counts toward September. Remember that. I don't know about the modifier for woes in that one line. We'll see... I'd also like to say that I'd also like to apologize to any existentialists for this piece. This isn't about you, nor is it about your beliefs.

I'm drowning in my own self-pity,
But pity's meaningless when it's a metaphor,
So take your God damned existentialism
And check it at the door
Don't forget to pick it up on your way out.
Your ideas are fake and they're out of date,
So post-modern. 2004.
You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves,
I was told that once,
I was told that twice.
Well shame on you, shame on you,
Because that doesn't mean a thing.
Oh Elliott, Oh Elliott, Where art thou now?
Saturated stigmas lead to energetic woes.
Now don't give me an excuse if I didn't ask.
Don't give me a line if I didn't make a pass.
Don't let me drown if I know how to swim.
And don't let me find out that every word was about him.
I'd rather live a lie than live a life with nothing but regrets.
So let me live.
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 5, 2006,
#2
this is awsome, loved the told that once, then twice, existentialism didnt sound good, dont know why, i read it then said it and it sounded out... but thats it, the rest is really good, thats kinda why i didnt full crut, really loved the last two lines to end it and then the title too.

can u take a look at mine please? in sig
#3
Quote by AmplifySilence
this is awsome, loved the told that once, then twice, existentialism didnt sound good, dont know why, i read it then said it and it sounded out... but thats it, the rest is really good, thats kinda why i didnt full crut, really loved the last two lines to end it and then the title too.

can u take a look at mine please? in sig


Yeah, I'll get to it now.

It's kind of a hard word when you first look at it, but I think it's one of the prettiest words around right now, and I think the contrast with the anger and the beauty is really cool.
#6
ya, spell it out. and Elliott is spelled with two 't's I believe, unless I'm wrong. I'm tired now, But will return tommorow with some awesome critting schtuff. Its nice to see you're posting again though, very nice
#7
Quote by Retribution
Allusions galore in this one. Enjoy it. I'm not sure how much writing will get done in the current month. P.S. This counts toward September. Remember that. I don't know about the modifier for woes in that one line. We'll see... I'd also like to say that I'd also like to apologize to any existentialists for this piece. This isn't about you, nor is it about your beliefs.
I'm an existentialist to a degree, not an adamant one but nevertheless, you saved your neck and your ears from a long note of complaint by writing that.

I'm drowning in my own self-pity
But pity's meaningless when it's a metaphor
So take your God damned existentialism
And check it at the door. This beginning is ok, but nothing "wow" i'd say, very ordinary.
Don't forget to pick it up on your way out.
Your ideas are fake and they're out of date.
So post-modern. 2004. Ok, this is much like the first three lines really.
You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves,
I was told that once,
I was told that twice. I reckon you should change these two lines to "I was told that once, i was told that once before.". I think it would work better.
Well shame on you, shame on you.
Because that doesn't mean a thing.
Oh Elliot, Oh Elliot, Where art thou now? Much the same really...
Saturated stigmas lead to energetic woes. Aha! Much better.
Now don't give me an excuse if I didn't ask.
Don't give me a line if I didn't make a pass.
Don't let me drown if I know how to swim. Great stuff in these lines here.
And don't let me find out that every word was about him.
I'd rather live a lie than live a life with nothing but regrets.
So let me live. Good.


I felt somewhat disconnected with 2/3 of this piece not becausei disagreed with what you were saying but beause of the way that it was written. However, from "Saturated stigmas lead to energetic woes" onwards, i really enjoyed it.

That's all i have to say rally other than what i said up there
#8
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
I felt somewhat disconnected with 2/3 of this piece not becausei disagreed with what you were saying but beause of the way that it was written. However, from "Saturated stigmas lead to energetic woes" onwards, i really enjoyed it.

That's all i have to say rally other than what i said up there


haha, I guess I'd agree with that to some extent. It really took shape with that line.
#10
Nice song, it was striaghtforward, yet poetic at the same time I really enjoyed the sarcastic tone. It was different and very orginal. While the whole song was good, the last three lines were just pure genius. Keep up the great work.

Crit mine please

The Face of An Angel
#11
Any chance of returning my crit on the piece i just posted up here? Sorry to interupt/spam, but would be very grateful. Thanks.
#12
Quote by Retribution
This is ridiculous.


Just a friendly suggestion, why not go out and crit more people's work if you want critiques on you're own, you can't honestly expect a huge number to comment if you don't.

Jamie
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
Just a friendly suggestion, why not go out and crit more people's work if you want critiques on you're own, you can't honestly expect a huge number to comment if you don't.

Jamie


Yes, that's always the recommendation. But the thing is: I don't really care about most people's suggestions here, but there are about ten I can think of that I DO in fact want to hear. I don't want to hear how good or bad I am, I want to hear how to improve. Most people don't do that for me, and I've lost all desire to help most people when I just reiterate what I always say and they can read in the Lyrics Tips thread.

Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Any chance of returning my crit on the piece i just posted up here? Sorry to interupt/spam, but would be very grateful. Thanks.


I'm sorry, I must've looked at someone else's and not gotten to yours.
#14
Quote by Retribution
Yes, that's always the recommendation. But the thing is: I don't really care about most people's suggestions here, but there are about ten I can think of that I DO in fact want to hear. I don't want to hear how good or bad I am, I want to hear how to improve. Most people don't do that for me, and I've lost all desire to help most people when I just reiterate what I always say and they can read in the Lyrics Tips thread.


It's probably because your one of the better writers here, and it's not only extremely difficult, but also kinda intimidating for alot of users to tell you how to improve. But I do agree with redirecting to the lyrics tips thread thing
#15
critiquing now, just thought I'd let you know.

I'm drowning in my own self-pity
I honestly hate this first line, everything about it, I mean I'm sure it has a reason and everything but I really really hate it.
But pity's meaningless when it's a metaphor
it redeems the first line well in a witty way, but still, I'm hurting and feeling the ill effects of the first line
So take your God damned existentialism
very nice line
And check it at the door.
a little too simple I think, also a little too conversational... unless that was the point of the line
Don't forget to pick it up on your way out.
the continuous full stops are rather annoying; this line had the same problem as the last
Your ideas are fake and they're out of date.
meh
So post-modern. 2004.
hehe, very nice here, made me chuckle
You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves,
I was told that once,
good n' mysterious
I was told that twice.
I get what you're doing with the repitition but i think this line needs some variation
Well shame on you, shame on you.
hehe
Because that doesn't mean a thing.
again, full stops are screwing up the flow
Oh Elliott, Oh Elliott, Where art thou now?
I get this
Saturated stigmas lead to energetic woes.
I dont necesarily get this if its an exact allusion
Now don't give me an excuse if I didn't ask.
Don't give me a line if I didn't make a pass.
Don't let me drown if I know how to swim.
And don't let me find out that every word was about him.
I'd rather live a lie than live a life with nothing but regrets.
So let me live.
The rest of this was awesome

Overall half of it i found poor, half I found very very nice... well thats all I have to say,
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 4, 2006,