#1
I'll get back to yours if you leave me a link (generally if you just leave the name I won't... Sorry). Thanks. (And yes, I know it's short, and if you find it cliched, my excuse is that it's reminiscing on a relationship that ended a year ago. So I figure I'm allowed.)


Pacing the length of a room with no walls
Trapped in an invisible cage
Somewhere far away a bird calls
Echoing in unending space
Memories long past whisper in my mind
When we were more than just us
But you chose to leave me to fall down behind

And I feel myself giving in again
Protesting but inviting you
Thirsting too long in this barren land
But you're the oasis I need
#2
Pacing the length of a room with no walls
Trapped in an invisible cage
Somewhere far away a bird calls
Echoing in unending space this is a good start
Memories long past whisper in my mindi liked this too
When we were more than just us and even more
But you chose to leave me to fall down behind and this i dont get...

And I feel myself giving in again
Protesting but inviting you
Thirsting too long in this barren land
But you're the oasis I need so it ended a year ago but you want him back?.... ok i did feel a little cliche but not a big enough deal to have it matter, and it was overall good, not amazing, but it was good...

link is in sig, thanx
#5
Pacing the length of a room with no walls
Trapped in an invisible cage
Somewhere far away a bird calls
Echoing in unending space
Memories long past whisper in my mind
When we were more than just us
But you chose to leave me to fall down behind


i ecpecially like the lines 2,3,4. the rhyme, the lenght, the choice of words. brilliant! the only thing that bothers me is the rhyme between mind and behind...it's kinda overused, perhaps try finding something more unique? well that's ony a recomendation

And I feel myself giving in again
Protesting but inviting you
Thirsting too long in this barren land
But you're the oasis I need



the 3rd line there kinda ruins the flow. try maybe making it shorter? The ending makes it seem that you want him back...i know u mentioned it above, but still.

i like it overall. i know u might be worried about the size, but actaully it makes it more simple, and effective in a way. often, long songs get boring,as they go on and on on the same topic, and the end just seems a desperate attempt of a writer to try to generate more..making it seem forced, which makes it inpersonal. i love your personal approach. all the aspiring writers who make up songs that only sound good without a meaning should all DIE!!!

please check out my recent song if you will...it's called gummy worm, the link is in my signature...thanks
Last edited by zwound at Sep 1, 2006,