#1
This is a song i wrote a little while ago
it means a lot to me
so can people tell me what they think

and some constructive criticism would be very appreciated

Life 12/09


Verse 1:
Swallow me up. Absorption
Revive me and give me absolution
Penetration into my insight
The lesson
Life 12/09
Screwed me sideways
Held me back
Restrained me always
I watched my own body burn
The biggest lesson of all
Life 12/09

Pre-Chorus:
1.2.3 Life 12/09
Insight to life is a violent mind
Fed my own death but I survived
Cave in my chest and leave me behind
One more time, here it comes again
The hardest lesson in life
Life 12/09

Chorus:
Plant a seed but cut it's limbs off
Look in the mirror and see the effect of
Ageing, Growing, Learning the hard way
Learn it like that and your gunna pay
Learn the hard way and never need to ask why
Never need to just stop to die
Learn it the hard way
The lesson is mine
The hardest lesson of all
Life 12/09

Verse 2:
Life's gunna screw you over
The battles never over
Life's Out to screw you over
Don't Worry, It'll soon be over
Life is just full of sin
A mistake can make or break
I've been through hell and back again
Adolesence relived
And the lesson forgotten
Learn it twice and learn it well
Learn the lesson and go to hell
Life 12/09

Interlude
Don't worry it's nearly over
Life Life Life
The battle's never over
Learn life
Life 12/09
StueyALBB
#2

Verse 1:
Swallow me up. Absorption
Revive me and give me absolution
Penetration into my insight
The lesson
Life 12/09
Screwed me sideways
Held me back
Restrained me always
I watched my own body burn
The biggest lesson of all
Life 12/09


you know, i'm not sure why, but i really like the coming up of life 12/09. not only it is unique, but it's kind of creepy in a way..the numbers . good opening line. the only thing that bothers me a bit is 'watched my own body burn'... think it's a little overused, but meh, it's only me.


Pre-Chorus:
1.2.3 Life 12/09
Insight to life is a violent mind
Fed my own death but I survived
Cave in my chest and leave me behind
One more time, here it comes again
The hardest lesson in life
Life 12/09


i like the opening line again. the numbers...make it confusing in the good way . i lke the line ''cave in my chest'', and ofcourse the repetition of the original line Life 12/09


Chorus:
Plant a seed but cut it's limbs off
Look in the mirror and see the effect of
Ageing, Growing, Learning the hard way
Learn it like that and your gunna pay
Learn the hard way and never need to ask why
Never need to just stop to die
Learn it the hard way
The lesson is mine
The hardest lesson of all
Life 12/09


The thing that bothers me about the chorus personally, are the really cliche rhymes like way-pay or why-die. i would suggest you replace them with more complex, unique words. i find this kind of misplaced. the beginning was almost perfect, yo used exceptional vocabulary, but ow you went down to very basic ones.

Verse 2:
Life's gunna screw you over
The battles never over
Life's Out to screw you over
Don't Worry, It'll soon be over
Life is just full of sin
A mistake can make or break
I've been through hell and back again
Adolesence relived
And the lesson forgotten
Learn it twice and learn it well
Learn the lesson and go to hell
Life 12/09


i don't think i like the repetition of 'over'. ...sorry, but that's how i feel. the 4 last lines are exceptionally good.


Don't worry it's nearly over
Life Life Life
The battle's never over
Learn life
Life 12/09


this is alright. i don't like it too much, but it isn't bad


hope i helped :9. if you please, review my newest song 'gummy worm' the link is in the sig


-Tan
#3
the line
watched my own body burn
it is meant to be taken literally. it is a reference to being drugged (not volunarily) and i had a bad trip and literally watched myself burning alive and felt it
StueyALBB
#4
Like the first verse, the chrorus as the other guy said, has some cliche ryhmes in. Overall good, but not my type of song. i'd give it a 6/10... Sorry, my crits arent too pro