#1
Just a Scratch (I?m Fine)

?Dropping from the rafters, plunging from the sky.?
Searing signals send symbolic messages;
?Dropping from the rafters, plunging from the sky.?
Scaffolding whistles spoke silent warnings from its mouth;
?Dropping from the rafters, plunging from the sky.?
Soundly falling like quicksilver;
?Dropping from the rafters, plunging from the sky.?

The messenger?s signal was shot;
?Dropped from the rafters, he plunged from the sky.?
Splintered wood, dented iron;
?Dropped from the rafters, he plunged from the sky.?
Never to see his kingdom again.
#2
Okay I totally do not get this piece so I don't think I can give a crit with any confidence here.

The only thing I can see is in the fourth line, I don't like how it reads, "whistles spoke silently" doesn't sound good, for me.

However, one thoing I did notice, and was hopefully on purpose was the amount of "s" sounds linking into the "scratch2 in the tiel, and I think you did that very well.

So, sorry for not much I can give here, this one went over my head for the moment. If you could, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
linking into the "scratch2 in the tiel

That confused me
Yup, the s's were intentional.

Thanks.

Edit: Sorry it went over your head
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Sep 1, 2006,
#5
Lots of S's-not too sure about that. It doesn't always show the reader what you want them to read.

Repetative structure- Can be good.

I'll get to tomorrow with a reminder from you.

I need to read and sleep.

ps-change that ugly colour. go for white or something.
#6
Quote by thepickups
ps-change that ugly colour. go for white or something.

No.

Edit: There is a definitive reason for the s's.
#9
good internal rhyme in parts, maybe one too many s's in line 2

i hate the repetition of the first line throughout. it gets old, fast, and makes little sense. it distracts and detracts from the rest of the piece and takes the reader away from the main thought.

if you are going to pull off one-line repetition like that, all your lines need to have the same meter. the line being repeated every other line will (obviously) always have the same metrics to it (because...its...the same....thing). You can't have every other line flow the exact same way and then have the in-between lines vary. Let's do some scansion for lines 2,4,6:

L2: Searing signals send symbolic messages; (trochaic pentameter)
L4: Scaffolding whistles spoke silent warnings from its mouth; (dactyllic quatrameter)
L6: Soundly falling like quicksilver;{trochaic quatrameter)

see what i mean? there's no rhyme or reason to it, it just seems like you wrote random lines and stuck them in between the refrained line. no good. it throws off the flow of the poem completely....the second stanza is more of the same problems....and the refrain gets more annoying as you go.

sorry.

--jay
#10
I actually liked this piece. I do agree it was confusing, but as long as you know what you're talking about, it's cool with me. It's short, dramatic, and awesome. I think it would make a great song. If you could crit my piece (The Manifest Destiny) that would be great. Great job dude.
#11
^^ I knew someone wouldn't like that aspect to it; i was expecting it. But believe me when i say i didn't just throw random lines together, i always know how my stuff inks together and the reasons for it.

Thank you very much everyone.
#12
the fact that you know how it links together doesn't mean that it's good. if you want to get better, listen and apply what i said. if you want to stay mediocre, ignore it and say that you know it all.

--jay
#13
Um, excuse me? I didn't say that, and yes, i listened to what you said and have taken it on board because i value other people's comments. What you said last of all contradicted yourself, because i didn't ignore it and say that i know it all because i fucking well don't.

Now, sorry to exchange rudness for rudeness but that really shook my cage because i don't appreciate it when someone who gave me a valuable crit goes and makes a comment like that. That's the end of the matter, thank you for your input.....
#14
i misread what you said then, i thought you were telling me "i know why its there, and thats all that matters"....which hundreds of people have told me in the past. my mistake.

--jay
#16
I am truly sorry to say I did not like this.

The repeated line was meaningless after a while, mostly due to the lines in between, which I assumed were suppose to develop the piece, yet failed.
Perhaps with a better arrangement you could have pulled it off, but your punctuation was so excessive that any relationship between the lines was lost.
I tend to read pieces aloud and indeed I found this quite fun but for the life of me could not remember anything once I was done. Except for the repetition.
I did not get the separation of stanzas at the point they were and even if there was a solid reason, why squeeze another repeated line between them?
The combination "Soundly falling" is sort of an oxymoron but it doesn't feel intentional to me. Maybe I'm wrong.

Nice alliteration though.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#17
Ok, thanks for your input. Mm, it was intentional, maybe i should re-word it so that it comes across mre that way?
#18
To be honest, I really don't like this.

The refrain was repeated too much to hold any real meaning. I doubt that was intentional either. It grew boring quickly.

I'm not a fan of the "old" style you have either. Stuff like this:

The messenger?s signal was shot


Whhhhat? Are we back in the 30's? Am I wearing golden stockings?

Nope.

I'd prefare more modern assements of life or emotions. Also, the whole "messenger" idea is overused and has lost alot of power in meaning.

I like more contempory writing. Now that could just be taste, but there is a line between taste and quality, and this is not quality. It's too flimsy and as I read it; I can't grasp to anything. Nothing is given to the reader. It's almost too hidden. And this isn't in an abstract way where the reader can bring their own meanings, but in a stubborn way, like you don't want to show the reader anything.

I'd try to do the repetitive thing, but use it differently.

I'd try to build up some of your own and newer metaphors etc.

And I'd come back and post it.
#19
I liked the title but what does it have to do with the text that follows :S?
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