#1
Mute Says Oration- By Glenn with the Wind

5 second shot, whilst a seemingly familiar but unknown dance beat plays through the sound of rain.

An insipid morning, grey skies cloud monotone yawning.
A gutter is focused from a distance that takes in a side of a house in the kind of dark that dresses winter.
It shows it filling up and up, eventually overflowing in a vomiting motion and leaving the gutter free for running like silk.

Then cut to a mouth of a teenager that looks like he wouldn?t brush his teeth for the lottery.
Mouth filled with silver dentist touches and teeth roped in strands of saliva.

(The of the following shots are of the various mouths speaking.)


#1 MALE MOUTH- But she is proper annoyin?. She thinks she?s a?

[A beer bottle is raised to his lips at this moment and a rough gulp of beer is swallowed.]

Cont?d- ****ing genius.

#1 FEMALE MOUTH- She does know her?stuff, you know?

#1 MALE MOUTH- [Swallows roughly and in a rush. The next word is spoken through a burp.]

Fuuuck offff. If she knows her stuff, then I?m ****ing black. And do I look black to you? **** off. She-

[Next mouth cuts in]

#2 MALE MOUTH- She?s pretty fine though. Definitely not the best, but proper fine ass and that.

#1 MALE MOUTH
- **** off!

[Cigarette is now straddled to his lips and is strangled as he speaks]

Cont?d- She?s such a twat. She?s got ****ing problems and I don?t need none of that ****. If I was her, I?d learn to be a proper bitch, sort my hair out and get some new tits.

#3 MALE MOUTH- And a new pussy while she?s at it!

[Drunken male laughter slaughters the air]

#1 FEMALE MOUTH- [Chuckling and said without any real emphasis]

You?re all such pricks!

#1 MALE MOUTH- **** off! You weren?t saying that last night! You know you ****in-

#3 MALE MOUTH
- Shut up then dick. Chance like. We don?t need to hear about your ****ty sex life.

#1 MALE MOUTH- You?d have heard her whether or not you?d have wanted ****ing to last night! ****ing right squealer. Like-

[#1 Female Mouth smirks and almost bears a proud lip expression]

#4 MALE MOUTH- Shut the **** up!

#1 MALE MOUTH- Anyway. That girl before. Argh ****! I hate her. She?s such a ****in? idiot. She doesn?t even drink. You know that? She doesn?t even ****in? drink. She says she does, but I ain?t seen her pissed down here before. She ****in? doesn?t even-

#5 MALE MOUTH- Nah. She?s sound some of the time. She used to live in Leeds. She met Fowler once. Said he was quality.

#1 MALE MOUTH- She?s a twat. She doesn?t do nothing.

#5 MALE MOUTH- [Lip quivers almost, like hail onto an iced pond]

Nah. She?s sound.

#1 MALE MOUTH- Fuuuckk off! She?s a dog. Seen her tits? They look like ****. ****in? pancake heaven.

[Group of male laughter spurts through beer to the air]

#6 MALE MOUTH- Nah. She is pretty sound. I talked to her once and she lent me a fiver for lunch and ****. She was pretty sound.

#1 MALE MOUTH
- ****k off. You all think she?s some ****ing great bitch?

[Group mumbles spread into the conversation. Camera is held on open mouth of #1 MALE VOICE. ?Yeh??s and ?Sound??s are heard like footsteps in snow.]

#1 MALE MOUTH- ****kk off. It can?t just be me like. You?re all ****in? knobs.

[Swallows another gulp of beer]

What do you think then, smart ass?

[Beating music stops. Camera slowly cuts from #1 MALE MOUTH (open) to a boy?s closed mouth. Sealed lips like a lock into a cold mahogany door frame. Relaxed as a pane of glass through summer breaths.]

BOY- [Waits a few seconds until his voice pours out like cash from the machine]

Does it actually matter?

[Camera flashes through 19 pictures of mouths wide-open shutting in sequence. Spending about 1 second on each mouth. Finally coming back to BOY?s mouth, which is already shut and only twitches for a slight second. It stays on his for a second or so and then blurs out to the sound of rain stopping. ]
Last edited by thepickups at Sep 2, 2006,
#2
Quote by thepickups
Mute Says Oration- By The Glenn with the Wind

5 second shot, whilst a seemingly familiar but unknown dance beat plays through the sound of rain.
Ok, i would suggest moving the comma to after the word unknown, may just be personal preferance but there you have it. Otherwise a good intro.
An insipid morning, grey skies cloud monotone yawning. Wouldn't the grey skies encourage the monotonous yawning?
A gutter is focused from a distance that takes in a side of a house in the kind of dark that dresses winter.
It shows it filling up and up, eventually overflowing in a vomiting motion and leaving the gutter free for running like silk.
Ok, good gutter idea.
Then cut to a mouth of a teenager that looks like he wouldn?t brush his teeth for the lottery. Humour there.
Mouth filled with silver dentist touches and teeth roped in strands of saliva.

Very good indeed.
#1 MALE MOUTH- But she is proper annoyin?. She thinks she?s a?

[A beer bottle is raised to his lips at this moment and a rough gulp of beer is swallowed.]

Cont?d- ****ing genius.

#1 FEMALE MOUTH- She does know her?stuff, you know?

#1 MALE MOUTH- [Swallows roughly and in a rush. The next word is spoken through a burp.]

Fuuuck offff. If she knows her stuff, then I?m ****ing black. And do I look black to you? **** off. She-

[Next mouth cuts in]

#2 MALE MOUTH- She?s pretty fine though. Definitely not the best, but proper fine ass and that.

#1 MALE MOUTH
- **** off!

[Cigarette is now straddled to his lips and is strangled as he speaks]

Cont?d- She?s such a twat. She?s got ****ing problems and I don?t need none of that ****. If I was her, I?d learn to be a proper bitch, sort my hair out and get some new tits.

#3 MALE MOUTH- And a new pussy while she?s at it!

[Drunken male laughter slaughters the air]

#1 FEMALE MOUTH- [Chuckling and said without any real emphasis]

You?re all such pricks!

#1 MALE MOUTH- **** off! You weren?t saying that last night! You know you ****in-

#3 MALE MOUTH
- Shut up then dick. Chance like. We don?t need to hear about your ****ty sex life.

#1 MALE MOUTH- You?d have heard her whether or not you?d have wanted ****ing to last night! ****ing right squealer. Like-

[#1 Female Mouth smirks and almost bears a proud lip expression]

#4 MALE MOUTH- Shut the **** up!

#1 MALE MOUTH- Anyway. That girl before. Argh ****! I hate her. She?s such a ****in? idiot. She doesn?t even drink. You know that? She doesn?t even ****in? drink. She says she does, but I ain?t seen her pissed down here before. She ****in? doesn?t even-

#5 MALE MOUTH- Nah. She?s sound some of the time. She used to live in Leeds. She met Fowler once. Said he was quality.

#1 MALE MOUTH- She?s a twat. She doesn?t do nothing.

#5 MALE MOUTH- [Lip quivers almost, like hail onto an iced pond]

Nah. She?s sound.

#1 MALE MOUTH- Fuuuckk off! She?s a dog. Seen her tits? They look like ****. ****in? pancake heaven.

[Group of male laughter spurts through beer to the air]

#6 MALE MOUTH- Nah. She is pretty sound. I talked to her once and she lent me a fiver for lunch and ****. She was pretty sound.

#1 MALE MOUTH
- ****k off. You all think she?s some ****ing great bitch?

[Group mumbles spread into the conversation. Camera is held on open mouth of #1 MALE VOICE. ?Yeh??s and ?Sound??s are heard like footsteps in snow.]

#1 MALE MOUTH- ****kk off. It can?t just be me like. You?re all ****in? knobs.

[Swallows another gulp of beer]

What do you think then, smart ass?

[Beating music stops. Camera slowly cuts from #1 MALE MOUTH (open) to a boy?s closed mouth. Sealed lips like a lock into a cold mahogany door frame. Relaxed as a pane of glass through summer breaths.]
Very clever.
BOY- [Waits a few seconds until his voice pours out like cash from the machine]

Does it actually matter?

[Camera flashes through 19 pictures of mouths wide-open shutting in sequence. Spending about 1 second on each mouth. Finally coming back to BOY?s mouth, which is already shut and only twitches for a slight second. It stays on his for a second or so and then blurs out to the sound of rain stopping. ]
Sounds fantastic.


Something unique here, and i've never read anything like it; i realy enjoyed it. The way the you had poetic stage directions was really interesting, and as i was reading thm i thought "yeah, why aren't films scripts and the like as poetic?"

I could probably ramble on about theories and feautures of this for ages but it's technically sound so i'll leave the rest in your capable hands.
#3
I really just wrote it and it needs to be cleaned up badly by the way.

But thanks for the comments.
#5
Wow. This is beautifully poetic and just wonderfully well written, as all of your pieces are.
The only part i have a problem with is the "Anyway. That girl before," line. It just didnt seem as natural as the rest of it.
Anyway, I love you and stuff.

(Consider this my sexy Australian comment )
#7


I remember when I used to get lots of crits without giving anything out, but love and the ocasional bit of head.

Thanks to the above though.
#8
I do like this, especially the brackets, all over.
I did find that the conversation was a bit inconsistent though.

"You?d have heard her whether or not you?d have wanted"
The use of "whether", for example, and other little bits and pieces throughout the piece were not too smooth when looking at the characters and kind of talk you were going for.

I did like the idea a lot.


Carmel
This is not a pipe