#1
Crit for Crit
Hey everyone, I don't know how much writing i will be doing in the next few weeks. But here is the beginning to a, i dunno, its not really prose, its more a story ive been writing, so check it out,and ill get to your pieces as fast as i can.

Hall of the Unforgiven


A child dies?

And now a man walks through a dark and haunting corridor, not knowing how he?s gotten there?


Statues stand passively; sentinels that watch his struggle. Closed doors hide the secret that he seeks. A secret that concerns him, but he does not know what it means. The man does not know whether it will save him, or, ultimately, destroy him. He stumbles to a doorway; the wooden barricade opens as he approaches it. Wind blows through his hair; he is on a balcony overlooking an abyss?

The man, of average height and build, creeps to the edge of the balcony, afraid of what he might see as he stares into the inky-black depths of the canyon. He reaches the ledge and peers over?

Staring back at the man is a corpse, its skin is waxy, and its hair lank and greasy, and its eyes are pits sunken deep into its skull, their irises black. He recoils from the image, but a realization strikes like a jolt of lightning; the man, the body, looking at him from the depths of that dark Hell, is a man he knows. It is him?

His eyes, once brown, were told to have a depth to them that not many others possessed. His hair, a brown so dark it was almost black had been silky, neat; almost feminine. His skin, it had been smooth, with a slight tan, and had color and pigment to it. But most of all, his face. His face had been happy, full of laughter, joyous, covered with a perpetual smile unless he was angry or confused. Now, though, the face staring back at him was empty, void of emotion, no pain, no fear, no sadness, no despair, nothing, just an empty face, like a dead body?

With a cry of animal madness he throws himself from the ledge and back through the doorway. The man runs as far as he can from the image until he can run no more. He stumbles into another passageway, and then sees the pillars of some dark stone, extending up into the citadel. A countless number of skulls litter the ground, many of them still possessing the human faces that were there generations before, and all of these displaying the screams of pain and hopelessness that they felt in their last moments of life. The man trembles, he knows unless he finds his answers, he will join these other beings here, in the Hall of the Unforgiven?
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Sep 2, 2006,
#2
love it man, specially the second to last paragraph (i think you decribing me, except for the hair), great discriptions of it and great ideas great everithing. This comming from someone who suck at prose and is only ok at stories: i think you can get better at this, is it your first? doesnt seem like it, but not saying its not good enough, but better than really good is still really good, right? ok thats it no full crit cause its long, dont think you expect one from me either do ya?

mine is still there for your full crit however, ill say please, and chapter 3 cames out in a little, so look out for it too...
#3
yeah dude that was awesome. its a pretty good story in that it slowly builds up to the end. i really liked it. it really puts you there. 8/10.