#1
Just a short song I wrote. I think the lyrics will explain what it's about. -Crit4Crit-

We took a headcount
123
We showed the exits
We knew we wouldn't need
We took off, expected time
7 hours
Please sit back and enjoy the flight

"We've got a problem,"
Said the captain to me
"Tell everyone to remain in their seats."
They all looked so at peace
Until we shook

Everyone, please remain calm, please remain calm
We'll be just fine, we'll be just fine, just fine
Until the wing, the wing breaks off into the sky
We're falling, we're falling into the sea, into the sea
#2
I think it starts off really well... then crashes (see the joke haha lol) at the end, I really liked the beginning it was really well written then I really didn't like the end, sorry! I like your idea tho, it's just the way you said the wings fall off ???!!!??? I think maybe if you made the piece a bit longer and talked about how the plane blew up or summin like that it would have more affect, but I think re-drafted the song has a LOT of potential... well done 8/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=425705 please?
<3<3
#3
You made a good base to write this piece, i.e. the idea of it, however i didn't feel you pulled it off convincingly. The main problem with this is that it is so literal which makes it very dull, you need to use metaphors in there.
Also the flow is very scratchy, it doesn't have a consistant rhythm to it which, for a song, you need badly.

If you get over those problems and write this again with the same idea in mind, this could be a good song.
#4
I really liked the start: 'We took a headcount 123': i particularly liked this part, it's simple and it really flows. I thought the first verse was good and the second verse, although it isn't brilliant it works and i wouldn't change it. the last verse however i thought needs a lot of work, it's a bit too repetative and a bit too simple. also you should probably consider adding a chorus to the song to make it a bit more interesting. in all, i thought it was a good idea, the first 2 verses we're good but your last verse let you down, work on that and it could be a good song, also maybe needs to be a little bit longer. Well done and keep em coming!!!

Oh ya, and if you get a chance, please crit some of my stuff.
MIA Fender Strat
Yamaha FG-450S
Crafter 12 string
Orange Rocker 30 combo
Vox AC30CC2
Epi Valve Junior
Fulltone Clyde
Danelectro Free Speech
T.C. Electronic Vintage Dual Distortion
Boss MIJ GE-7 (c1987)
Boss TU2
MXR Phase 90
Artec delay
#5
Thanks for your thoughts guys. I forgot to lable the parts in my song. The first two verses actually are the verses in the song, but the last part is kind of like a chorus. It's got a faster feeling, and I meant for it to be repetive like that.