#1
hey this is like this 1st line to something im righting at the moment but i cant tell if its any good, so crit plz thanks (igoner spelling mistaks)


Friend ship falls away, to nothing more,
The memory of happier days,
Her lips are still, with words unspoken
Her biter-sweet actions, drive him insane,
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#2
Friendship falls away, to nothing more,
The memory of happier days,
Her lips are still, with words unspoken
Her biter-sweet actions, drive him insane


Good flow! Good rhyme! i like the beginning of it. when i first read it, the second line bothered me a little, but the second time i read it, i thought iwas just right.


overall, good start. keep it going and coming!

ps. if you can, please leave a small review on my song 'gummyworm'. the link is in the signature.
#4
FAQ

The stark simplicity of the first three lines is honest. i like it. If you wanted to make this piece incredibly effective, end the last line on a short note, and keep the slant rhyme (though not necessarily the same verbiage). simplistic poems such as this (and by the way, i think you are much better off making this a 4 liner than you are fleshing this into a longwinded poem) are effective when you use sparse yet very specific adjectives and end it in brief terms, it slows the flow down enough to make it pensive and reflective but still gives you just enough time to say exactly what you want to say...adjective choice is crucial; if you pick the right ones, you can say more with 4 lines (because the reader fills in the blanks, so to speak) than you could with 4 stanzas.

let me know how it finishes, either through the forum or through a PM

and read the FAQ-- you need titles

--jay