#1
Death of a Salesman. Pt 1

Brick by brick I seal my fate
Not a minute to early, not a second to late
And I wonder if they?ll think of me when I?m gone
Or just carry on?
The blood is the mortar as I build my tomb
Its life after death in my makeshift womb
But there?s no happy ending me when I?m gone
Will they just carry on?

Perfection, as I set my world alight
And free my soul
Affection, as I know that I
Won?t be alone

But if I should take my life
The blood is the mortar my mind is the knife
As I wonder if they?ll think of me when I?m gone
Or just carry on?
And they mourn in the churches and cry in the streets
They?ll all slump their shoulders and shuffle their feet
But as minutes to hours and hours to days
Will I be remembered or just fade away?

Perfection, as I set my world alight
And free my soul
Affection, as I know that I
Won?t be alone

But what of my family and what of my life?
What of my children and what of my wife?
With blood as the mortar and my mind as a knife
Would they remember when I took my life?

Perfection, as I set my world alight
And free my soul
Affection, as I know that I
Won?t be alone

And I?ll burn all my bridges destroying the past
The note on the door will be my last
I?ll leave what I have and all I can give
But what of my life if I choose to live?

Death of a Salesman Pt 2

Now I lay here drowning in the past,
Not the first but now the last,
The last one time I?ll see this note
Before I?m hanging by the throat
Buried my regrets in loss now
Finding resolution somehow
Wishing for answer to scream
Wishing for an ending, I dream

I can?t help remember
Oh that day, oh that December,
She?ll remember when I held her close
Remember when I lost control
Remember when I held her near
And remember when I?m hanging here

The life I had is still right here
But the rope is tied, the end is near
The time for judgement has now past
The ending is dawning all too fast
The happy ending left the room
Left me staring down my doom
Do I think its destiny?
Do I think that I?m still me?

I can?t help remember
Oh that day, oh that December,
She?ll remember when I held her close
Remember when I lost control
Remember when I held her near
And remember when I?m hanging here

?And I?ll burn all my bridges destroying the past
The note on the door will be my last
I?ll leave what I have and all I can give
But what of my life if I choose to live??

Well there?s no happy ending, no not this time
The line has been crossed and I?ve severed the ties
With tragedy burning the pitfalls of life
With blood as the mortar, my mind as a knife


ok, please crit.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#2
I will only review the first part.

Brick by brick I seal my fate
Not a minute to early, not a second to late
And I wonder if they?ll think of me when I?m gone
Or just carry on?
The blood is the mortar as I build my tomb
Its life after death in my makeshift womb
But there?s no happy ending me when I?m gone
Will they just carry on?


Umm...there are some flow glitches in this one. especially the 'or just carry on'. personally, i don't know how you could put this all across, but then i'm not sure waht genre i'm dealing with. i like the choice of words at the end, and a good ending line too.

Perfection, as I set my world alight
And free my soul
Affection, as I know that I
Won?t be alone


this is ok, it's not very unique or interesting, but it isn't bad...i suggest improving it.

But if I should take my life
The blood is the mortar my mind is the knife
As I wonder if they?ll think of me when I?m gone
Or just carry on?
And they mourn in the churches and cry in the streets
They?ll all slump their shoulders and shuffle their feet
But as minutes to hours and hours to days
Will I be remembered or just fade away?


i LOVE lines 5 and 6. very good flow and rhyme between them.. also, the rhyming couplets at the end are very effective


But what of my family and what of my life?
What of my children and what of my wife?
With blood as the mortar and my mind as a knife
Would they remember when I took my life?


i like your use fo life at the beginning and the end, although i don't like the rhyme between life and wife...i mean it's alright, but it isn't too interesting and i've seen it 1 000 000times before.


And I?ll burn all my bridges destroying the past
The note on the door will be my last
I?ll leave what I have and all I can give
But what of my life if I choose to live?


this is great. i really really like the ending here. the good imagery of a suicide note on the door, and an original line t end it

really good. i also like your choice of the title, as it has nothing much to do with the song (at first glance)

i'd much appreciate it if you review my newest song 'gummyworm' the link is in my sig. thanks
#3
will do. the rhyming is hard too get until you hear it.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#4
i like the rhyming pretty well, actually, you stayed pretty true to your rhyme scheme throughout.

cliche though. cliche cliche cliche. from the subject down to even some exact lines....this has been written so many times before.

--jay
#5
i know its cliche, but the music for it isn't, so i was trying to make it memorable.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#6
fair enough...if you have great music, and the music is good stuff, why waste it on mediocre lyrics? write something a little more personal. its not bad writing, its just a poor choice of subject.

--jay
#7
the lyrics do mean something to me. it might seem cliche to you, but its heartfelt to me.
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel