#1
Here's another by me. Wipped it up 2 nights ago. Leave some feedback on how to refine it. I had issues last song on the punctuation, so if anyone knows how to properly punctuate a song, that would help lots.

Firefight

Verse 1
When it happened, the bullets flew
The ricochets bounced past,
Singeing hair as they went.
The delicately timed return fire exploded.
A mess of sulfur air and smoke

Bridge
As sides traded blows
One on one warfare
I was happy
Happy to die for my cause

Chorus
As sides took apologies
Hands shook, forever grateful
One on one warfare lost
The battleground tainted
And we were happy, content
Happy to die for the cause

Verse 2
When the arrows were drew back
Released, and scraped skin,
Leaving a burnt impression on an arm.
Counter-attacks breaking out
Spot fires preceding the inferno

Chorus

Verse 3
When barrage of gunfire ceased,
And white flag stopped waving
As sides surveyed the damage
The last of the ammunition used
And enemies could fight no more

Outro
I knew it was over
A fight to the death
A firefight for feeling
The battle my heart went with
As you stood there,
Heart still beating,
I was happy to have died
For such a noble cause
Fighting for you

-Luke
#2
its sweet man i love the chrous and the 2nd vers on of ya best i think, good work
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#3
Good, nothing spectacular but not too bad either.

I guess it could do with a little work, mainly just too tighten it up and just polish up the flow, especially in the outro, and you'd have a piece to be proud of.

Jamie
#4
Overall, I really liked this one. Not just because I'm a war junkie, but you really made it feel like I was there. I think it could use some metaphores; it just seems too plain in some spots. I absolutely love the "Firefight for feeling" line, though. Not sure why, but it just has a ring to it. One other thing, the chorus could probably use some color. It's one of those spots that could use a metaphor, similes, whatever. Aside from that, these are some great lyrics.
Quote by ShredtoBed
Dude.
The gore of killing animals is supposed to scare you out of eating meat.
That and drop Q tuning with pig squeels


#6
Hey,

Another sweet piece of work. Keep it up mate.

later
#7
Firefight

Verse 1
When it happened, the bullets flew
The ricochets bounced past,
Singeing hair as they went.
The delicately timed return fire exploded.
A mess of sulfur air and smoke
Ah, this isn't looking good. If you're gonna use punctuation at all, then use it all. Meaning line 2 should have a full stop at the end. Meh, no rhyme, mostly awkward flow. I think line 3 was best here. Or rather was least poor...
A mess of sulfur air and smoke....what about it? You mention the mess and then say nothing about it...You could've said "In a mess of...." etc. Your call though.


Bridge
As sides traded blows
One on one warfare
I was happy
Happy to die for my cause
Okay so as far as I can see this piece is going in the direction of relating some war/conflict to a romantic tiff of some sort. I don't mean to belittle that idea or anything, but it's a bit tired; overused, maybe. Just try to be aware or stuff like that, I guess.

Chorus
As sides took apologies
Hands shook, forever grateful
One on one warfare lost
The battleground tainted
And we were happy, content
Happy to die for the cause
Sides took apologies? That sounds weird. I'd say "accepted", but, again, your call. I think accepted would flow better, too. Which is something this stanza could definitely do with, I think. Again, there should be full-stops on the end of a few of these lines, if you're looking to punctuate, that is. The first four lines are just these fragmented sentences that don't connect to each other; they should have full-stops, periods.

Verse 2
When the arrows were drew back
Released, and scraped skin,
Leaving a burnt impression on an arm.
Counter-attacks breaking out
Spot fires preceding the inferno
Drawn back. When the arrows were *drawn* back. If you're using "and" there on the 2nd line then there's no need for the comma after "released". Again, same story with two last lines in this stanza: sentence fragments. If you must use them, do punctuate them properly with full stops etc. But I'd avise against using them in the first place. It's a lazy, lifeless way to write a poem or song. Does nothing to animate it. It's like your just listing images or ideas. It reads like a list.

Chorus

Verse 3
When barrage of gunfire ceased,
And white flag stopped waving
As sides surveyed the damage
The last of the ammunition used
And enemies could fight no more
"Barrage" of gunfire needs an article to quantify it. It needs either "a" or "the", or else maybe you could say "barrages"; use the plural. Up to you, but do something with it. Same problem with "white flag" on the second line. I'm guessing maybe english isn't your first language or something, so you are doing pretty well, all things considered. You can improve. The content here; mostly narrative. It's okay, tells what happening, works within the metaphor, etc. I guess my only complaint is that I dislike the metaphor in the first place.

Outro
I knew it was over
A fight to the death
A firefight for feeling
The battle my heart went with
As you stood there,
Heart still beating,
I was happy to have died
For such a noble cause
Fighting for you
The third line has a nice ring to it. The flow within the first four lines is pretty decent. I dislike, however, the way you start the stanza using a little rhyme but then dont finish with it. At least try to maintain consistency within each individual stanza, not to mention between them. Images, metaphors etc involving or describing "beating hearts" etc are so overused so as to be pretty ineffectual to me when read. It's clichéd, I guess, in this context.
Well, at the very least you've got a lot of changes to make to the punctuation and some of the grammar here, so, hope I was helpful!

Wouldya be so kind as to give some feedback on this? Cheers!
Ro
#8

Wouldya be so kind as to give some feedback on this? Cheers!
Ro

Thanks for that. It helped heaps. Ha, english is my first language, I just have trouble punctuating songs properly. I try to show the flow, and how it is to be read via the commas and full stops. Your advice was taken. Thank you again.

That link you left me isn't one of your songs. But I'v left some feedback for it anyway.