#1
Yeh, so I had a bad day yesterday, big deal.

Back to what I'm best at, back to how I want to be, new song. I wanted to win WoTM writing like this, not poetry or prose, I wanted to actually be someone who didn't have to conform with the regulars here and write like that to be accepted and be up there for WoTM. This forum has influenced me into writing stuff that I do not believe in totally, unlike songwriting, which is how I started writing and how I want to carry on.

So, Critique for Critique for you leave a link.

Enjoy


See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time

Red cheeks blush as he calls out
Your name right across the room
Smile as you remember who he is
Try to forget who you were

Cufflinks and a three piece show
He's all that and a little bit more
Strung out from a long days work
Hand's holding two whisky shorts

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing

Uncontrollable urge to get with this guy
I don't know, perhaps you can tell why
Alcohol played a part oh I'm sure,
But then again it could just be the new you

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing

See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
#2
i like it, its good. i would prolly change the line "hands holding two whisky shorts" to "hands that hold two whisky shots". some parts dont flow too well, like the amount of syllables is a lil off in places but nothing that cant be rectified with a little going over. nice job.

heres mine.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=426220
#3
See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
Very generic imagery here and while it's not something to completely shun, I cannot find anything to critique nor praise about it. However, I did not like the repetition of "night".

Red cheeks blush as he calls out
Your name right across the room
Smile as you remember who he is
Try to forget who you were
I have a problem with "red cheeks blush", unless you meant blush as a noun. I am missing punctuation here, to make it clearer and to put emphasis, especially with the last two lines which come across as commands.

Cufflinks and a three piece show
He's all that and a little bit more
Strung out from a long days work
Hand's holding two whisky shorts
As much as I love whiskey, even after a few shots this stanza would need more work for me to even understand where you are going with this. I like the idea behind this but to be honest I think you are, once again, in need of punctuation aid. Don't shorten the sentences to make them fit into a mold. It makes them ugly. If you can't make it work then scratch it and try from a different angle. I felt like there was more behind these words that I never got to see.

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing
I didn't care much for the second line's repetition, though I didn't mind lines 1 and 3. Just pointing out "you're" needs to be "your". The last line is a complete mystery to me.

Uncontrollable urge to get with this guy
I don't know, perhaps you can tell why
Alcohol played a part oh I'm sure,
But then again it could just be the new you
I will not touch the fact that your rhyming meter is all over this piece, but in this stanza it was too obvious to miss. I didn't like "tell why", not as a rhyme or even as an expression. Punctuation, Please.

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing
Yeah, see above.

See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
In terms of a song, I always like when it returns to the beginning, but I would have liked to see some change, maybe on the last line, "You wasted my time."

To be honest, this piece was all over the place but if you would have put a little bit more effort into making it look right with structure and punctuation (more than a comma per stanza), lost all the weird apostrophes and capitalized letters mid sentence etc. this might have been a completely different experience for me.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#4
Hmmm, didn't understand the plot completely but that isn't really important, I love the 3rd and 4th lines in the first stanza they stick out to me, I think it's the internal accidental repetition of 'stand' it makes it stick out. I also love all of stanza 5, I think the 'oh I'm sure' sticks out a lot. The repition of the first stanza as the last stanza is also a very good idea, overall, I like it, good writing well done
<3<3
#5
i really liked how you return to the start at the end.
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#6
This is a great song, sorry I suck so hard at critting . This piece made me think of alot of things, which i guess is great. I really like the imagery you used, I had a picture in my mind the whole song
#7
Thanks all.

Carmel- I'm kind of trying to get back into the swing of things with this, so I'm bound to be a lil' shaky on structure and rhythm. Thanks for the full crit.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
Yeh, so I had a bad day yesterday, big deal.

Back to what I'm best at, back to how I want to be, new song. I wanted to win WoTM writing like this, not poetry or prose, I wanted to actually be someone who didn't have to conform with the regulars here and write like that to be accepted and be up there for WoTM. This forum has influenced me into writing stuff that I do not believe in totally, unlike songwriting, which is how I started writing and how I want to carry on.

So, Critique for Critique for you leave a link.

Enjoy


See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand Don't like this line though.
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
Pretty good.
Red cheeks blush as he calls out
Your name right across the room
Smile as you remember who he is
Try to forget who you were
Cliche i'm afraid, and blandly put. Put more into this my friend.
Cufflinks and a three piece show
He's all that and a little bit more
Strung out from a long days work
Hand's holding two whisky shorts
Great.
And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing
Hmm, not sure about this too much, however not sure what to do with it either...
Uncontrollable urge to get with this guy Re-word this line.
I don't know, perhaps you can tell why
Alcohol played a part oh I'm sure,
But then again it could just be the new you
Very blunt but perhaps deliberate?
And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing

See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
Ok.


All i need say to you mate is you'll get back into your songwriting again. This wasn't bad of course, but still. Also i think you're experimentation will have helped you a great deal, it will have "broadened your horizons".
#10
i like your songwriting more than your other stuff that you were doing to fit in with the forums.
i think this is a quality written song because i can relate with the story line the way i interpreted it.
#11
^ On Jamie's behalf; he wasn't doing it to "fit in", he did it to explore and was right in doing so.
#12
^frankly i like your songwriting better, too, hope you dont take offence to that... anyways, i think this is ine of the better songs ive read from you,imo, thats saying a lot too. Your style usually aint what i like, but for some reason i really like your songs... The crits i have are just echos of prevoius ones so sorry cant tell you more... congrats on the WotM too man.

chapter 3 is posted, and sigged, plz check it out and crit
#13
^ My songs? I haven't written any songs in ages... you've read some of my songs? Looking at your join date i wouldn't have thought it was possible!
#14
woah man, i was talking to Jammy and i meant a double ^^, cause you beat me to posting... but hadnt even read your post there man... (and i know it wasnt to fit in but i meant i liked his songwriting better than other thigs he did...)
#17
See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time

I like that, it is a good start. But it feels like it either needs 1 more or 1 less line.

Red cheeks blush as he calls out
Your name right across the room
Smile as you remember who he is
Try to forget who you were

nice, leave it.

Cufflinks and a three piece show
He's all that and a little bit more
Strung out from a long days work
Hand's holding two whisky shorts

did you mean to say whiskey shorts? other than that, I like it

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing

good

Uncontrollable urge to get with this guy
I don't know, perhaps you can tell why
Alcohol played a part oh I'm sure,
But then again it could just be the new you

slash that whole verse...it's not as good

And you can't stop now
In too deep, too much, too deep
No you can't stop now
For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing

See your eyes tonight
Bloodshot, out of it
You can't even stand,
I can't understand
Why you do this every night
Handcuffed, Locked up
Wasting my time
#18
Damn, I saw 8 new posts and I was like- wow, those UGers are all starting to pay back their crits... damn spammers :P

synth, that's possibly the least reletive advice I've ever gotten

greendayforever, you can't possibly to tell somewhen to slash a whole verse out, it just needs a bit of a re-write.

Thanks everyone.
#19
I'm not really feelin' this one too much. It's alright, but lacking any real individuality to make it interesting. I'll be more help next time.
#20
"For as long as you're eyes are glowing
He's gonna be around your's showing"

Say whaaaa? Is that like, he's showing up at her house when her eyes are glowing?

Everything's pretty much been said, so consider this an IOU.
#21
Quote by s0nofabe4ch


Everything's pretty much been said, so consider this an IOU.


Ditto, except IOU like 5 IOU's so... uh... get some new stuff up

o, and dont disregard that comment, it'll help you someday, just think about it.