#1
Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - maybe more,
while for all eyes, waiting to please,
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.

Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.
This is not a pipe
Last edited by carmel_l at Sep 2, 2006,
#2
Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.

The first sentence seems like a group of men in a sauna, lol. Good description and imagery.

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass

The first line was kinda awkward to read. Nice last line.

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors

I believe the first tire should be Tyre. I like the observational, common sort of imagery here, especially the part with the cigarette.

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - or maybe it's four,
while waiting its absent owner to please
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.

The second line seems forced in the way it's been executed, just to get the rhyme in there. I think the third line could be expressed a bit better.

Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.

I really liked this piece. Good imagery and descritpion. Yeah I liked this, good stuff.

If you could, my latest is in my sig, many thanks.

Jamie
#3
goddam i got beat to the first crit

Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.
wow. the rhymes are clever, well spaced and well chosen. please say you meant row...anger as a play on words as well, and its brilliant. this flows so effortlessly its amazing.

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass
i absolutely love the last two lines, and i don't know why. it just fits so right.

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors
tire/tired is ace...i love how i hear the noises of a slow burning cigarette, boots losing traction, and hundreds of simultaneously slamming doors.

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - or maybe it's four,
while waiting its absent owner to please
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.
Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.
i'd change line 2 somewhat...the repetition of four takes the bite out of a perfect end line. line 3 is a bit awkward. again, great last line

sorry its a boring crit....this is one of your strongest pieces. it flows beautifully and effortlessly, the rhymes are clever and the puns well timed. great stuff.

--jay
#4
Thanks guys. Jay

I've changed lines 2 and 3 on the last stanza. I wasn't too happy about those either.
Hope you find it more fitting as well.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#5
a really good read, you've got a few full crits so i'll just comment on this one, I love the imagery and the way everything seems to fit. To be honest, I only came to check your stuff out because you have a line from the Shins in your sig...but I'm very glad I did. If you'd like my link is in my sig.

I'll be back to read more of your stuff and look forward to it!
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#7
Reminds me of someone but I can't name them. They're from the Caribbean and moved to London and write about home sickness alot. But I hate making comparisons, so lets not.

This was my favourite line by far,

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air


But you pretty much pinned your idea. Well executed. Could have maybe been more brief, but overall it worked well for me, seen as I usually hate just "descriptive" pieces. I like some action, some meaning. And then in the last line; I found my meaning.
#8
Impressive. Two words i would use to describe this is; silky smooth!
It must have flowed onto the paper from your pen as it did from the tip of my tongue; everything was so natural, and how can you criticise nature?

The only thing i could really say is that the last two lines of the first stanza felt a little awkward to me. That's pretty much the only problem i had really.

Excellent work here.
#9
Quote by carmel_l
Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.
Confusing. I can see the imagry, but why a song about it was the initial thought.

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass
Cool flow. Wish I could flow that well.

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors
Rad as stanza. I loved it very good imagry.

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - maybe more,
while for all eyes, waiting to please,
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.
Again, cool as imagry.

Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.


Umm, not alot more I could say. You've got a few really good crits already. Nice song, your imagry is definantly your strong point.
#10
I love it really.

Althought, to be quite honest, I'm not sure I "get it".
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.
The first line reads almost paradoxically. Which is cool. I think the "-ay" rhyme was used just once too many in "anger away", or maybe moreso in "in their way".... I'd have thought it'd be far better if last line had end-rhyme with "row". Meh, no big deal. As far as I can see, the stanza's pretty faultless after that. I like it.

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass
I don't understand why the afternoon wind is remarked upon as being "so called". It is not a wind or is it not after noon? I didn't like the repitition of "how". I'm not exactly sure why. I just think the original one "how" is enough and the way you have it here doesn't fit in with the tone of it all so far. Aside from that I like all of this stanza a lot. This is good, for the same reasons all the other stanzas are good; rhyme, flow, imagery. Basically interesting and enjoyable, I think.

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors
Didn't like the "tired/tire" thing. Well, I mean it's good, but I think it could've been better. I think it's better to just pick one and say that and let the other be kind of implicit. Just something more subtle, I guess. You've said the air's wet, do you really need to say "humid" aswell? Flows very nicely and the rhymes are well worked. I like.

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - maybe more,
while for all eyes, waiting to please,
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.
I really like what you did with the second line here, but I think including the word "few" is throwing a bit of a spanner in the works. I mean, if you want to say "maybe more" than three, I think you should leave out "few", seeing as how it kind of pins the number down to three and immediately eliminates the possibility of it being only two, meaning "two" doesn't exactly fit in there either. Maybe this is just down to my own peculiar, strange associations with the word "few" though. Anyway, on the whole I think it's good. I love the first line especially. Flows nicely, rhymes likewise.

Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.
It's a good ending, but I'm all the time liking less the technique of ending pieces with some solitary "punchline", so to speak. I guess I'd just like to see it incorporated into a stanza. But then again, taking into consideration your intentions for this piece, maybe this was the perfect, stark, jarring way to end it. Which I think is likely. So it's a good ending, in this case. Meaning I like it.

I don't really see what the feeling of turning twenty-four actually has to do with all this car-wash scenery, though. If there was some deeper meaning to this, then once again I've failed to see it I guess you'll have to spell it out for me as usual...

Well, I hope I was helpful, or encouraging, or something good at least! You're a consistently good writer; this piece being no exception. Which is why I don't have much advice for your writing...(no shortage of admiration though!)
Ro
#12
Ronan told me to crit this well so thats what I'll try to do

Quote by carmel_l
Dirty men covered in a light scented soap,
sweating out the last rays of light, with pride,
on a steaming hot August day.
There are filthy cars in their way, in a row
for them to shine all their anger away.
the pure descriptive voice here is one I find fasinating as you've somehow managed to create a passage without any real perspective or bias, just matter-of-fact well... fact. The rhyming is soft, subtle even, used in such a way it actually adds to the athmosphere (which is scarce these days in poetry). The only thing that sticks out really is the end-rhymed and rather cliched 'day' and 'away' but I guess you can get away with it because of the nice content/context surrounding it nice intro stanza

Water is scarce as the sun's moving in on the puddles,
rags full of mud dry up fast in the so called afternoon wind
and I sit and I watch how it all comes to pass,
how everything shimmers in a Ford's window glass
nice wit in the first line. {Here is where I begin to try to understand the meaning}I'm assuming you used 'so called' on purpose for a very paticular reason and I believe {as of right now} that this poem is utilizing the passage of time not as a metaphore by itself, but rather as symbolism for something more... I guess we'll see

Tire smell, a tired smell, fills the wet humid air
and a cigarette burns all the oxygen slowly.
Once-black working boots stumble on a slippery floor
as I listen with awe to an orchestra of slamming car doors
again, excellent first stanza line and I'd just like to completment you on your transitions between stanzas, I can tell you've been writing for a while. Again with the symbols and metaphores of times passing with excellent execution. Also, I'd like to point out that in this stanza you break the barrier between observation and personal including yourself in the scene.

A foggy mist from a hole in a hose cools the breeze
for a few seconds, two, three - maybe more,
while for all eyes, waiting to please,
a pick up truck stands in white-shine galore.
'cools the breeze', nice phrase. Again with change, again with time, however now you introduce a third subtle theme of rebirth and its here that i think I understand the piece.

Today, of all days, I turned twenty four.

so I have my own little meaning behind this that I'll disclose if you want... But overall excellent piece with some brilliant lines and brilliant ideas. i could have interpreted any number of ideas out of this and thats what makes it such a great piece


and I got nothing that I want you to waste your time on at the moment, is it cool if I ask for a crit in the near future?
#13
I just gave this piece a huge adoring crit, and when I hit reply, IE froze.
I'm too lazy to do it all over but I'll give short version here.

I loved the imagery of the cars and the language you use to describe them. I really liked how you played off the day as so normal and really made it seem ordinary as hell, then changed it with a simple powerful line at the end. And all your stanzas start off really nicely so if I ever see you have bad opening lines I will be disappointed.

Annnddd. I liked the 'so called afternoon wind' part a lot.

keep it upp.
#15
i like this piece a lot; haven't got the time for a full crit though, maybe i'll come back later.
the imagery and the language you used to describe things and to set the scene is great. I could really see the things you described, and the language was beautiful, really. i liked that 'tire smell, tired smell' part, really clever. the rhymes were beautifully executed, nice job. the last line was just simple, powerful and a great ending to the piece. keep it up!