#1
crit for crit
ok, chapter 3, verse 4 is just temporary. im planning on completely changing it, same with title, the rest... just read...

The Prophecy 3:1-7
Subtitled: Still Confused but I Think I Believe Now


1(My eyes were still afraid, they stayed closed.
My ears heard yet another hourglass
shatter. The scattered sand burnt my skin.
I could smell it burning. I still couldn?t move.)

2Bleeding internally, thought provoked.
Breathing uncertainly, my lips spoke:

3?These things you say are reassuring.
They make my heart feel safe in her hands
the same ones that would touch my scars.
And heal them without even knowing.
Knowing we were becoming only one.
Because true faith only comes on time.
I can wait for winter to freeze us once more,
until we?re warm enough to feel again.

4I hate to say that at the same time
It?s hard to believe what I hear from you.
Yes, I can see her love me even now,
But frankly I sometimes wish she didn?t.
Cause, sword in hand, I was willing to fight.
Although it?s hard, I understand she?s just?
scared. But I?m terrified, I need her touch.
I saw my breath as I felt her trembling."

5Midday summer, it?s cold, still cant see.
The sun pretends t be bold, thoughts run free.

6(How long does ignorance protect you?
Until when will innocence guide you?
I don?t know what to believe, but I have to.
So I believe in this, that I love you.)

7I can finally move again and open my eyes.
But as soon as they open I can?t see anymore.
I can?t see it.
I know it?s there.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Sep 4, 2006,
#2
so I have 3 good excuses for this bump: 1)nobody has critted and its not even in the first page any more. 2)i have to say something that i would have wound up posting anyways: just that parts 1 and 2 are in my sig, and you kinda need to see part 2 to get this one, part 1 is irrelevant. 3) its not like too many people are on anyway that'll crit so it'll probably fall back again...

EDIT: im really, REALLY sorry about it too
#3
Ask and you shall recieve, friend.

The Prophecy 3:1-7
Subtitled: Still Confused but I Think I Believe Now


1(My eyes were still afraid, they stayed closed.
My ears heard yet another hourglass
shatter. The scattered sand burnt my skin.
I could smell it burning. I still couldn?t move.)

I freakin' love this intro. Superb. Don't change a word.

2Bleeding internally, thought provoked.
Breathing uncertainly, my lips spoke:

I love your writing. Even lines are simple as these are jsut fantastic.

3?These things you say are reassuring.
They make my heart feel safe in her hands
the same ones that would touch my scars.
And heal them without even knowing.
Knowing we were becoming only one.
Because true faith only comes on time.
I can wait for winter to freeze us once more,
until we?re warm enough to feel again.

Love it.

4?I hate to say that at the same time
It?s hard to believe what I hear from you.
Yes, I can see her love me even now,
But frankly I sometimes wish she didn?t.
Cause, sword in hand, I was willing to fight.
Although it?s hard, I understand she?s just?
scared. But I?m terrified, I need her touch.
I saw my breath as I felt her trembling.

This one didn't grab me quite as much as the other verses. Perhaps some re-wording would be a good idea.

5Midday summer, it?s cold, still cant see.
The sun pretends to be bold, thoughts run free.

Nice. Tiny typo.

6(How long does ignorance protect you?
Until when will innocence guide you?
I don?t know what to believe, but I have to.
So I believe in this, that I love you.)

Looove it.

7I can finally move again and open my eyes.
But as soon as they open I can?t see anymore.
I can?t see it.
I know it?s there.

Great.

I LOVE your work, Amplify. Keep it up, definately. You're fantastic.
#4
Wow, that is the best one you have written so far, though I do agree with you that verse four should be removed. It's just not on the same level as the rest of this. That is amazing, though. Keep it up! (now crit mine, links in the sig!)
#7
Meh, this is probably your best out of this series or whatever it is, personally I haven't really been gripped by this idea entirely, but, yeh, this is most likely your best writing out of the ones you've done, the flow is pretty solid barring a few places which you'd find on any usual revision, the imagery, although unspectacular, does it's job. I still feel like it's maybe a little vague, it's still hard to see where you are going with these (for me, anyway) but then maybe that's your point, I dunno.

Good stuff.

Jamie
#8
hey, i only just got your message...

i must agree its a bit vague, but i kinda like it, it al seemed right in some way.
A lot of hot and cold in this one; summer, winter, burning, freezing...it gives a better picture. again i spotted some small verses in between, they seem to be in every one of your pieces, but i like it. For me, stanza 6 was the best, it sounds perfect

again a good piece, keep it up

-mister.y

PS: you need to clean your private messages inbox
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Last edited by Mister.Y at Sep 5, 2006,
#9
Nice job on this piece. First of all, the flow was very good. And I really liked the wording you used. It painted a beautifully sad image in my head. My favorite part was the last stanza. The message behind that was very powerful. Keep up the great work.

Crit mine please

Face Of An Angel
#10
Here, it finally gets to connecting the strands, you can get a idea of whats gonna happen or what its about, so good job with that. Cant do a full crit now, im preparing my next piece, but i will say that this is probably the best piece youve written in the prophecy, and one of the best youve written overall.

Also, sorry bout the long time for a crit, i have my reasons, which, if you read my next piece, youll understand.

I hope

if you get to it, its the first in my sig, ill try to get the link in for you, if not, id prefer if you look for it a few pages back
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Sep 6, 2006,
#11
The 2nd verse just didn't work. You were trying to say ''I said'' and ended up with a sloppy half-rhyme.

Overall it's OK, but fairly pretentious in some ways. I think you're going for a flashy style when there' definitely no need.
#12
thanx to all of you, im extremely sorry i cant return crits now, but i promise i will tomorrow after school. and i think this serier is gonna have a twist, cause something happened ... just so ya know...
#13
one word: WOW!!!!! like all your songs: still kickin anus!
i wasnt gonna check this song out cuz the title looked long and boring but then i saw it was by you and so far, i've liked all your other songs....so i checked this one out and its awsome, the only change i could find rrelly, is you could break up lines 3 and 4 to make it easier to read, other than that...killer song, nuffin wrong, keep on keepin on!

p.s., check out my newer song called "to make me miss you"

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#14
aight man, first link in my sig if you have time, whens your next piece coming? youll get a full crit from me there
#15
Awesome song, man I have to say. You really put your heart into it and that shows through. Keep up the good work, and maybe chceck out my new song that i wrote about my ccurrnet situation its called "elusive illusion" thanks man