#1
Late last night i wrote this. I dunno if its a verse or chorus or just lyrics for short song but here it is. Plz comment on how i can make it better or feedback of any sort.

[Lonely Girl]
There was a lonely girl
Wondering around aimlessly
Trying to figure out who she is to be
A guy well dressed
Came to her rescue one sad rainy day
She was quite impressed
He carried her in his arms
Brought her to a shelter
Where she could be freed from her mental rain
He visted her, took care of her,
And gave her all the lovin' she needs
He even showered her with flowers
To show her what her beauty reflected
Never again did she feel neglected
She felt his continuous affection
Day after day
In her own little way
He was her soulmate, her friend, and someone she grew to love
He was like a white turtle dove
Flying in on Christmas Eve
Saving her from her worries, her problems, and most of all her grief
He was like non other
And was ment to stay in her heart forever
#2
It was alright.

Nothing spectacular here, but I believe it fits what you were going for. One thing for the future would be too think of maybe including metaphors into your works. I'd say that maybe the flow in this piece needs tidying up, and maybe some internal rhyme or alliteration would add some spive to this.

So, solid stuff. And you learnt how to title a piece :P

If you could, my latest is in my sig, many thanks.

Jamie.
#3
its pretty cool....could be better, but im not sure how...i know, i know lol that wasnt help at all
..anyway pm me if you want and i'll try to figure somethin out to help it....k?

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#4
it actually sounds more like a poem.... you could break it into stanzas to make it easier to read
use richer vocabulary to increase suphistication (yay i used a big word lol) example: worries could be changed to "apprehensions" stuff like that you know?
check out "yurworthw8ing4", "sveta", or "AmplifySilence"s songs on this site...they're really good writers and might be able to help you more than i can.....some of my songs might be able to give you some ideas

like i said, dont use any of my advice if you dont want to..its your song make it sound how ever you like it...

peace out
UG's HIPPIE