#1
Like a good ole fashion heartbreak!

So, I haven't been able to write for about a month now, mainly, because life was just too great.

But, thank the lord, I got ****ed over, and now I've got more angsty, dark, and dark-abyssy metaphors to describe my demise from society than ever! YAY!!

anyways:

We saved these seven days
For the final call
You alone conspired to fill me
You alone conspired to kill me.

Your tired eyes and selfish lies
are what keep me coming back.
I didn't spark this fire
You're the one.

Like pictures in a dark room
As the darkness slowly glooms.
I didn't ask for this, or you
And it's better if you don't.

You want honesty?
Well, honestly, it's good to see
That there's nothing more
between you and me.

So just keep lying to yourself.
You can't be guilty
For what you refuse to see.
But don't expect me
When you come crawling back.

I'm sick of waiting for you and your conscience.


Crit's are welcomed
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
Last edited by fenderfreak101 at Sep 2, 2006,
#2
Nice. I totally feel you on the "not being able to write while happy" thing...either I have to be pissed, sad/depressed, or stoned to write...
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
#3
Quote by bobthemonkey14
Nice. I totally feel you on the "not being able to write while happy" thing...either I have to be pissed, sad/depressed, or stoned to write...


Ya, hate is a powerful motivator
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#4
I just think it's easier to write while you're experiencing any sort of extreme emotion...unfortunately, most people aren't extremely happy...or at least enough to write something about it. That's why there are so many love songs...certain chemicals are released, giving a euphoric sensation, and causing you to think you're "in love". Naturally, people are elated by such feelings, and they feel the need to write a song about. Of course, they'll usually end up writing a pretty ****ed up song when that love is absent...but such is life.
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
#5
Hmmm... where to start lol. The repetition (yet slightly changed) 3rd and 4th lines of the third stanza are genius, well written. 2nd stanza, beautiful. 3rd line in the 3rd stanza is also genius, I can relate to that so well. 4th stanza, working really well, rhyming in exactly the right places. 5th stanza, showing emotional we all have felt easy to relate to, last line, a brilliant end 9.2/10, really well written really emotive.

btw, I have a story I started working on (actually when I was 13) lol I haven't really plotted where it's going to go yet as I haven't had much time, but there is a fair amount of it. do you want to see it?
<3<3
#6
Quote by Hincks&Emmerson
Hmmm... where to start lol. The repetition (yet slightly changed) 3rd and 4th lines of the third stanza are genius, well written. 2nd stanza, beautiful. 3rd line in the 3rd stanza is also genius, I can relate to that so well. 4th stanza, working really well, rhyming in exactly the right places. 5th stanza, showing emotional we all have felt easy to relate to, last line, a brilliant end 9.2/10, really well written really emotive.

btw, I have a story I started working on (actually when I was 13) lol I haven't really plotted where it's going to go yet as I haven't had much time, but there is a fair amount of it. do you want to see it?



Ya definetly. PM me or something, or, just post it in a new thread in here haha.

But, anyways, thank you for the crit.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#7
Quote by bobthemonkey14
I just think it's easier to write while you're experiencing any sort of extreme emotion...unfortunately, most people aren't extremely happy...or at least enough to write something about it. That's why there are so many love songs...certain chemicals are released, giving a euphoric sensation, and causing you to think you're "in love". Naturally, people are elated by such feelings, and they feel the need to write a song about. Of course, they'll usually end up writing a pretty ****ed up song when that love is absent...but such is life.



Ya, I know what you mean.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#8
Yeah, I myself am not capable of writing a happy song. If tried to do it before, but it always seemed so superficial. Anyways, I'm sorry to hear that your heart is broken. But hey, at least you got an awesome song out of it. Seriously, this was a very well written piece filled with emotion. And it flowed pefectly from start to finish. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

The Face of An Angel
#9
Quote by themarsvolta
Yeah, I myself am not capable of writing a happy song. If tried to do it before, but it always seemed so superficial. Anyways, I'm sorry to hear that your heart is broken. But hey, at least you got an awesome song out of it. Seriously, this was a very well written piece filled with emotion. And it flowed pefectly from start to finish. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

The Face of An Angel


DAMN YOU! I wanted your screen name...I think I'm gonna go cry in a corner, now...or write a song about it...

Or maybe I'll just listen to the Mars Volta!
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
#10
it was good but there seemed a bit of in-consistency witht the rhyming,. I mean, it wasn't at the beginning and then it w=started out of nowhere
"there is a man...
playing a violin...
and the strings...
are the veins in his own arm."
#11
I too cannot really write songs when I am happy. I wrote one song while I was happy. It was the most difficult thingI have ever done. The bad thing is that nothing really happens in my life. It is all just one big guitar playing time period.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#12
Well, thank you both for your crits.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#14
I live what I probably think is a perfect life for me. I have a long term girlfriend, enough money to get by well, great friends. And some of my best ever words have come when I've been the happiest you can be.

Happiness forms my words for me. There's too many depressing songs around, doesn't anyone feel like they feel more in touch with the writer through a love song rather than a depressing song? It doesn't have to be all lovey dovey, but love is a more powerful feeling than hate and you can get more feeling into your writing by writing about love than to write more about having lost love or have hate towards something.
#15
Quote by Jonnomainman
I live what I probably think is a perfect life for me. I have a long term girlfriend, enough money to get by well, great friends. And some of my best ever words have come when I've been the happiest you can be.

Happiness forms my words for me. There's too many depressing songs around, doesn't anyone feel like they feel more in touch with the writer through a love song rather than a depressing song? It doesn't have to be all lovey dovey, but love is a more powerful feeling than hate and you can get more feeling into your writing by writing about love than to write more about having lost love or have hate towards something.


Ya, and I understand you, but, it's hard to come by love as a sophmore in high school.

And I agree with your point that there are too many depressing songs. As a matter of fact, some of my all tiem favorite songs are all 'lovey-dovey'. But, at the age I'm at, Hateful emotions are much more common than true love.

Thanks for your opinion though. Maybe things will clear up for me, and I'll write something about flowers and sunsets and mountains and all that jazz someday.

And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#16
you cant write emotion, you can only create little doorways into the mind and hearts of others in the hope that they'll have the keys to open them.

-Dylan Doyle, Monday, September 4th, 2006

anyway. I'll do this in my old crit style that I'm bringing out of retirement as of now, remember this will probably be brutally honest:

the intro made me lawl cause I cant tell you how many times I've felt that. Also, all of my pieces are 75% angst driven and 25% bull**** driven so ya... take that as you will. In the first stanza I think it would be grand to do a little cool sports throwback a la Nothing Better by the Postal Service like after the 'call' line throw in something like "to break these skin milked sweat lines holding up the fouled fall"... I actually really liked that, I might use it sometime . Either way, get rid of "You alone conspired to fill me
You alone conspired to kill me."
Its crap, its just terrible, get rid of it now. The second stanza is just cliche after cliche thrown together without any witty redemption, seriously man, 'selfish lies'? you know how many times thats been used? countless. That was a careless mistake IMHO. and the last line "you're the one" sounds like you were trying to sacrifice for ryhme but theres nothing to sacrifice for so it just came out choppy and poor... though I bet it sounds good with music *shrugs*
The third stanza isnt much better than the second, and again, the use of dark and then darkness just a line later is completely careless. The last line there is kinda cool though.
The fourth stanza here is our best IMHO, dunno why, it just is.
Fifth stanza; blah, not that great.

Overall, I would take the last line, start a new piece, and scrap the rest. if i remember correctly, this is nowhere near the level you can be and writers block sucks, specially for a month, sorry.

k, thats my crit, hope it wasnt too harsh I'm kinda tired.

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=427618

#18
Fifth stanza needs to either lose a line, or, preferably, dissapear altogether. Same with the random line at the end. And parts of it are terribly cliched. Is it supposed to rhyme at all? Because sometimes it will, abac, and sometimes, aabc, and sometimes not at all. Keep working on this one. (crit mine now)
#19
Quote by #1 synth
you cant write emotion, you can only create little doorways into the mind and hearts of others in the hope that they'll have the keys to open them.

-Dylan Doyle, Monday, September 4th, 2006

anyway. I'll do this in my old crit style that I'm bringing out of retirement as of now, remember this will probably be brutally honest:

the intro made me lawl cause I cant tell you how many times I've felt that. Also, all of my pieces are 75% angst driven and 25% bull**** driven so ya... take that as you will. In the first stanza I think it would be grand to do a little cool sports throwback a la Nothing Better by the Postal Service like after the 'call' line throw in something like "to break these skin milked sweat lines holding up the fouled fall"... I actually really liked that, I might use it sometime . Either way, get rid of "You alone conspired to fill me
You alone conspired to kill me."
Its crap, its just terrible, get rid of it now. The second stanza is just cliche after cliche thrown together without any witty redemption, seriously man, 'selfish lies'? you know how many times thats been used? countless. That was a careless mistake IMHO. and the last line "you're the one" sounds like you were trying to sacrifice for ryhme but theres nothing to sacrifice for so it just came out choppy and poor... though I bet it sounds good with music *shrugs*
The third stanza isnt much better than the second, and again, the use of dark and then darkness just a line later is completely careless. The last line there is kinda cool though.
The fourth stanza here is our best IMHO, dunno why, it just is.
Fifth stanza; blah, not that great.

Overall, I would take the last line, start a new piece, and scrap the rest. if i remember correctly, this is nowhere near the level you can be and writers block sucks, specially for a month, sorry.

k, thats my crit, hope it wasnt too harsh I'm kinda tired.

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=427618



haha it wasn't harsh. I'd prefer honesty than having five people telling me "Oh I LOVE it! Crit mine?"

Anyways, thanks for taking time out to crit mine, and thanks for that quote, which happens to be one of the most applicable things I've read in awhile
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#20
Quote by fenderfreak101
haha it wasn't harsh. I'd prefer honesty than having five people telling me "Oh I LOVE it! Crit mine?"

Anyways, thanks for taking time out to crit mine, and thanks for that quote, which happens to be one of the most applicable things I've read in awhile


Write happier songs too. Happy songs make people happy. Sad songs depress them. Why would anyone want to listen to something depressing? (I don't want examples of sad songs that are famous, I really don't care.)
#22
Quote by #1 synth
^but james, what about Boulevard of Broken Dreams??? thats sad and x-cellent-hxc!


All credibility from your crit is completely gone.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#23
writers block? agh!! thats GOOD stuff!! i applaud for fenderfreak!!


Quote by fenderfreak101
Like a good ole fashion heartbreak!

So, I haven't been able to write for about a month now, mainly, because life was just too great.

But, thank the lord, I got ****ed over, and now I've got more angsty, dark, and dark-abyssy metaphors to describe my demise from society than ever! YAY!!

anyways:

We saved these seven days
For the final call
You alone conspired to fill me
You alone conspired to kill me.

Your tired eyes and selfish lies
are what keep me coming back.
I didn't spark this fire
You're the one.

Like pictures in a dark room
As the darkness slowly glooms.
I didn't ask for this, or you
And it's better if you don't.

You want honesty?
Well, honestly, it's good to see
That there's nothing more
between you and me.

So just keep lying to yourself.
You can't be guilty
For what you refuse to see.
But don't expect me
When you come crawling back.

I'm sick of waiting for you and your conscience.


Crit's are welcomed