#1
I probably won't go crit for crit. I'll definitely read your piece but if I don't have anything to say about it I'm not going to. sorry.


but if our love's so tough
why's it keep
putting down the gloves?
when we meet
keep defenses on the up and up
surprised outside starbucks
suckerpunch
sunglasses advantage
I'd like to snatch + smash them
you – loose-fist limp-wrist – get
a slap or two in
before my headlock gorilla grip

we've always been
Holyfield and Tyson
scratchers and biters
and all this time
we've tried to decide
if we were meant for each other
as lovers or fighters
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Sep 4, 2006,
#2
but if our love's so tough
why's it keep
putting down the gloves?
I really like the opening. I have a soft spot for starting sentences that give you the feeling there was something going on before, like "but if..."
when we meet
keep defenses on the up and up
surprised outside starbucks
suckerpunch
Apart from the fact i dislike starbucks immensely... This is really good. I'm not used to you putting some pace to your writing, and this has some inner rhythm to it. I love it.
sunglasses advantage
I'd like to snatch + smash them
you ? loose-fist limp-wrist ? get
a slap or two in
before my headlock gorilla grip
Ooooh, this is lovely. "sunglasses advantage" - One of the best combinations I seen in a while, and you follow through with great wording and flow. The only thing that bothered me is "+". Did you mean for it to be read "plus"? Even numbers, I believe, should be written as a word.

we've always been
Holyfield and Tyson
scratchers and biters
Loved the imagery here. Nice touch.
and all this time
we've tried to decide
if we were meant for each other
as lovers of fighters
Solid ending. Maybe a bit expected, I suppose, but nevertheless fitting and strong.


This is a great one, Mike.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#4
well there was something going on before: part a and b

+ to be read as and
I hate starbucks
thank you very much


I actually did read yours fender, if I have time tomorrow I'll give a crit
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#6
starbucks is good for coffee, tim horton's is better, it gets a bad rap because people go there and read Kurt Vonnegut & Franz Kafka, brilliant writers, but seriously you can do that at home.(sp?)

but anyway, beautiful poem, you've got a way with simplicity I can only wish to achieve, and I've been working my way there.

check out my new one, you might like it.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
I loved parts a and b but i only liked this one. Not to say its bad, cause its not, like the rest of your stuff its miles above most of the ****te posted on here, but I dont think it completely does the first couple parts justice.

However, I honestly have nothing to critique, I mean technically the flow and witty witty wit is impeccable. I guess it just doesnt seem as personal? I dunno.

meh, keep up the good work, and maybe I'll come back to this later when I'm not completely exhausted and give it a good rundown