#1
Hey, guys. I'd really like to get some crit on this and your general opinion on this piece. Thanks.

Drowning



Holding back pointless tears

Choking on all my fears

Reaching out to feel nothing, save the air

I lie here all alone

Being pushed further into a premature burial


Drowning in oceans of despair

Tormented as I gasp for air

Condemned to a hopelessness never sought

Stagnant pools of tribulation fill my lungs




I cant walk on my own

Now that my horrors have been realized

Tortured by endless nightmares

Relentless while I sleep

This is what I keep

The hopeless thought of how it use to be

Forever haunting me as I sleep




You have perfected this torment inside

An incarnate of despair

Externalizing the pain within

The state of my lacerations

Nonexistent convalesce

?Salt in the wound? (not sure about this part)

I am nothing more than a sorry excuse for perfection,

A perversion of what I might have become




Now, I'm letting go

Of this pain

Of this hate

This can go on no longer

I wont be contained by you

I have relinquished my life

Casting the chains into pools that only fortify

The end of the life I once knew

I dwell in the absence of existence

As I rest in my liquefied grave
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
Last edited by Omen at Sep 3, 2006,
#2
Wow man, that was actually pretty good, the vocabulary is simple at times and at other times its amazing. a nice blend in my opinion. one thing that caught my eye is that it reminds me of a song i just finished writing an hour ago.....actually, my song is based around the same idea of yours which is odd haha thats if i understood it as u presented it...., i just ead this now so i didnt steal haha...anyways yeah, heres a peice from my song...

and now im letting go
i'm moving on
forget the past
what we had was gone
erase it all from my mind
in this world of pain
how could i be so blind

similar but i like yours better haha, nice job
#3
Well, thanks. I appreciate the compliments. I'm gonna go check out yours now.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#4
Wow, I really liked this piece. It was simple, yet deep. (If that makes any sense). It was well written and the flow was excellent. The words just rolled off of my tongue when I read it aloud. Keep up the good work, man.

Crit mine please?

Faust
#5
Thank you. I wasn't sure if it flowed right or not, but I guess you've cleared that up for me.

Sure, I'd be more than happy to crit yours.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#6
Well first off i don't like the fact that you chose to rhyme certain lines and then leave the rest. I always thought its better to either rhyme the entire thing in a certain fashion or not rhyme it at all since it gives it a certain flow that is unmistakable and connects each line. Also i really didn't like how your verses kept changing in length, it doesnt set the mood properly. Having so many different lengths in verses, if made into a song, causes the listener to not understand where the song is going since certain themes end earlier than they would think or get stretched out too long and overdone.
-NoBOO
#7
Well, honestly, I don't like a constant rhyme. I think a rhyme every now and then makes the piece a bit more interesting. I suppose it's just personal preference. Well, about the different lengths, I don't have anything to say about that. It's a song, and it fits in perfectly. You should hear it. Man, it sounds so good, but I understand what you mean. Thanks. Anything else?
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#9
Comment what? Which song/poem would you like me to comment?
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it
#10
Quote by Omen

Drowning



Holding back pointless tears

Choking on all my fears

Reaching out to feel nothing, save the air

I lie here all alone

Being pushed further into a premature burial


Drowning in oceans of despair

Tormented as I gasp for air

Condemned to a hopelessness never sought

Stagnant pools of tribulation fill my lungs




I cant walk on my own

Now that my horrors have been realized

Tortured by endless nightmares

Relentless while I sleep

This is what I keep

The hopeless thought of how it use to be

Forever haunting me as I sleep




You have perfected this torment inside

An incarnate of despair

Externalizing the pain within

The state of my lacerations

Nonexistent convalesce

?Salt in the wound? (not sure about this part)

I am nothing more than a sorry excuse for perfection,

A perversion of what I might have become




Now, I'm letting go

Of this pain

Of this hate

This can go on no longer

I wont be contained by you

I have relinquished my life

Casting the chains into pools that only fortify

The end of the life I once knew

I dwell in the absence of existence

As I rest in my liquefied grave


Good for a secular Screamo song. Like on the As I Lay Dying side or Demon Hunter side. not the emo screamo. those sound like they just got kicked in the balls.
#11
Amen. Thanks.
The only ones who see the end of war, are those who die from it