#1
hi again

so my third submission on UG. i've been working on a new song lately. It's called 'pale barf', and...well, the only thing i can say, is...i dislike ppl who fake, try getting fame and money by being what they are not...you get the pictures...it also includes songwriters who just make a random song that has nothing to do with them, and they try to get 'fame'

enjoy!

by the way...my genre is heavy rock/metal

pale barf

slide forwards on old lard.
haven't broken bread in a while.
to cause the slightest nausea.
your self inflicted bulimia.

chorus:
No input, one output.
nothing required
to make nothing.

Reinhale your fresh pale barf.
maybe you'd get some true fans.
i can see straight through.
your forced publicity stunts.

(chorus)

please forget to swallow now.
let your creations drown you.
congest your lungs for me.
till it's hard enough to breathe


crit4crit, welcome!
Last edited by zwound at Sep 3, 2006,
#3
First of all, I thought you chose a good subject to write about. Second of all, it was very well written. I really enjoyed reading it . I wouldn't change anything about it. Except for the title. Just having the word "barf' in it makes the song seem less imporatnt. Anyways, good job.

Crit mine please

Faust
#4
well my songwriting is on my own personal experiences/beliefs/wants etc etc.
i've recenlty developed displike towards fakers are i've mentioned...i even dislike bands, who hardly have any meaning in their lyrics...e.g linking park or korn.

to make this song easier to understand:
'food' = experience, emotion
'vomit', 'puke' = output...well, basicly creativity.

so, you need to eat well...to have colourful barf
#6
mmm very good job of puting an image in my mind. I'm not sure what kind of crowd would appreciate the subject...
My stuff
Fender Telecaster Aerodyne Series
Gibson 1980 Les Paul Standard
Fender Standard Strat
Taylor 414-ce
Takamine Acoustic
1938 Gibson Lap Steel (priceless)
Fender Blues Junior
USA Big Muff Pi
Danelectro Fab Overdrive

My band
#7
hm, lol, actually like 95% of people don't give a crap about lyrics as long as it sounds good. this was also a nirvana approach. people listened to the songs because they 'sounded good' while not realizing the songs were ranting against them.
#8
wow i like it i wouldent change anything its really hard to know when thre is no music behind it tho

THANK YOU
#9
Quote by zwound

pale barf

slide forwards on old lard.
haven't broken bread in a while.
to cause the slightest nausea.
your self inflicted bulimia.
This was ok, but very dis-jointed i think, and to use your own words, random. Even if i knew the connections i wouldn't be able to make sense of this collectively; now that's saying something coming from me. However it was fairly well written and showed decent diction.
chorus:
No input, one output.
nothing required
to make nothing.
Pretty dull and boring i think....
Reinhale your fresh pale barf.
maybe you'd get some true fans.
i can see straight through.
your forced publicity stunts.
Much less dis-jointed this stanza, miles better. Good first line there too.
(chorus)

please forget to swallow now.
let your creations drown you.
congest your lungs for me.
till it's hard enough to breathe
Mm, middle of the road stanza i feel.


Ok, my verdict:
It's quite good, but the fact that it opens with that first stanza really threw me off. Using your words again, trying too hard i think, it might be ok if you carried that style all the way through, but you didn't. The rest of the piece, in comparison, was very middle of the road albeit not too bad. So some improvements to be made, but it all comes with writing more and more, so there you have it. Good luck.
#10
i can see straight through.
your forced publicity stunts.

i didnt really like these two lines, too blunt for my liking.

and hearing someone sing 'fresh pail barf' to me sounds a bit amatuer and i dont think that i would take you too seriously ( unless thats how your trying to come across).

i did like the last verse especially the third line.

and the chorus sounds like your just repeating the last two lines but just changing the words, maybe thats how you wanted it ? dunno.
Originally posted by tylerishot
There is no reason that taking advantage of a drunk chick is acceptable. You can, however, beat them up, and tell them they fell down the stairs.
#11
slide forwards on old lard.
haven't broken bread in a while.
to cause the slightest nausea.
your self inflicted bulimia.
I can't really find the flow in this first stanza

chorus:
No input, one output.
nothing required
to make nothing.
Again this has a strange flow, but I do like the No Input, one output line

Reinhale your fresh pale barf.
maybe you'd get some true fans.
i can see straight through.
your forced publicity stunts.
I get a huge nirvana vibe here especially with the first two line; however, the last two are alittle too straight foward. You may want to try a simple metaphor or something

(chorus)

please forget to swallow now.
let your creations drown you.
congest your lungs for me.
till it's hard enough to breathe
I love this stanza and in my opinion the strongest one out them all

Overall I give it a 6/10, it can definantly be improved in some area, but other than that it has potential and a good start. Keep up the writing man.