#1
Hey guys i came up with the song while i was on vacation. I know the song needs work so i came here so you can help me modify it. please if you are making changes make it different type/font/size so i can see them, also if a person before you made changes keep them if they are good. Also the song needs a chorus, maybe so if you can think of one that will be great also. ttyl alls

With Every Single Passing Day
My age becomes much greater.
And as i treavel on road of mine the road becomes much clearer (hold)
I am lost in the thoughts of mine
And i feel like i can change
the human kind (hold)


When i was young it was all fun and games
But i learned of things like death and pain
And that made me older (hold)
And with every single passing day
I think of how many people lost their lives,
how many hearts got broken.

But as those thoughts pass my mind
I also think of the future (hold)
How does it feel to live someday
And see no war no sadness


And so my road comes to a sudden end
And i was hapy to treavel on the road of mine
But as the road comes to a sudden end
i see the past behind me (hold)


All the good times i had with you and me
All the lauhs we had
All the places we gone to see
All the places we talked about
And i hope i see you treavel of mine
As i have before you (hold)
#8
Quote by RussianR3b3l
Hey guys i came up with the song while i was on vacation. I know the song needs work so i came here so you can help me modify it. please if you are making changes make it different type/font/size so i can see them, also if a person before you made changes keep them if they are good. Also the song needs a chorus, maybe so if you can think of one that will be great also. ttyl alls

With Every Single Passing Day
My age becomes much greater.
And as i treavel on road of mine the road becomes much clearer (hold)
I am lost in the thoughts of mine
And i feel like i can change
the human kind (hold)

doesn't really make sense, something like 'all of mankind'


When i was young it was all fun and games
But i learned of things like death and pain
And that made me older (hold)
And with every single passing day
I think of how many people lost their lives,
and how many hearts got broken.

thought 'and' might work better


But as those thoughts pass my mind
I also think of the future (hold)
How does it feel to live someday
And see no war no sadness


And so my road comes to a sudden end
And i was hapy to treavel on this road of mine
But as the road comes to a sudden end
i see the past behind me (hold)

changed to 'this'

All the good times we had just you and me
All the lauhs we had
All these broken memories,
All the places we talked about
And i hope i see you treavel of mine
As i have before you (hold)

changed the 3rd line




there are a few spelling mistakes to sort out, made a few suggestions, hope they helped in some way
#9
Ha, you wonder why nobody wants to comment on this, you bumped this five times in such a ridiculously short space of time. Read the FAQs, don't bump your own pieces.
#10
Firstly i liked it in general.
Some spelling mistakes but that can easily be fixed.
Although some of the lines were cliche whilst i thought the rest were original and they clash horribly.

So here's my Crit:

And as i treavel on road of mine the road becomes much clearer (hold)
Hmm this doesn't flow for me, i think it's the use of the word "road" twice.
I am lost in the thoughts of mine
And i feel like i can change
the human kind
Liked the first two lines altough i'd change "the" to "these." However the last line was very cliche. Yes i know it's only three words but it just doesn't fit for me.
And with every single passing day
This is almost exactly like the first line, you may have done that intentionally but it doesn't really work

How does it feel to live someday
And see no war no sadness
Good lines. I think you need to re-phrase them though. Maybe something along the lines of:
Someday i want to feel alive,
And see no war or sadness.


And so my road comes to a sudden end
Good first line
And i was hapy to treavel on the road of mine
Second line the use of "road" twice again, also get rid of the "And"
But as the road comes to a sudden end
"Road" for a third time.
i see the past behind me (hold)
Good last line

All the good times i had with you and me
Doesn't make sense. "All the good times we shared" would be better.

All the laughs we had

All the places we gone to see
Perhaps..."all the places we saw" would be better?

All the places we talked about

And i hope i see you treavel of mine
As i have before you (hold)

Doesn't make sense either.

Well there you have it.
Hope that was of some use.