#1
I thought this song was pretty good for a first.
Tell me what I did wrong.
I need the constructive critisicm!

The love we left behind
Mathew Piccirillo

When I take a look, inside of me,
I wonder if we should have been.
I know that I was given
This special love that was forbidden

When you left me, you broke my heart
You thought you wouldn?t hurt me much
What we left behind,
Was the love we left behind.

When you told me, what you thought
My heart inside, fell apart
If I tried with all my heart
Would you take back with you?


When you left me, you broke my heart
You thought you wouldn?t hurt me much
What we left behind,
Was the love we left behind.

I just can?t think about those words,
The ones you said when you were hurt
If you would listen to the birds
You?d understand my words!

-Really long solo-

When you left me, you broke my heart
You thought you wouldn?t hurt me much
What we left behind,
Was the love we left behind.

My Gear:
Epiphone Les Paul Custom
Takimine Classical Guitar
Yamaha Acoustic
Boss MD-2 Mega Distortion
Boss Compression sustainer
Boss Volume Pedal
:stickpoke
#2
A bit too direct with the emotion, and with the simple rhyming and tedious repetition of phrases and words, this piece didn't rank too highly, I'm afraid.

However, there's still hope here. You could always take these ideas, and try and spice them up a bit in how you deliver them. Use of metaphor and imagery tend to make pieces more interesting to read, and could give deeper meaning behind those that you want to share. Also, flow and rhythm are important if you do plan on writing in a very raw style, and you need to try and create a pace to the piece. So, read the lyrics tips thread, take on board some of the advice. I wouldn't go back to editing a first piece, I would just go on and attempt to out do this with your next pieces.

If you could critique back, my latest is in my sig.

Jamie