#1
First song in kind of a concept album. 4 songs dealing with a past relationship that started great and turned into something that scarred me forever. Get the others up later or tomorrow...so here's the first(which isn't done yet, but its a rough draft)

We lay in the shade of that old oak tree
You think Im asleep but Ive got one eye creaked
It's fixed on you
And it can't look away

You stare into the clouds, hopefully seeing my face
No makeup and with sweat dripping down
You pick in the grass and throw away a twig
You've never looked more beautiful

Close my eye before you catch my stare
But even in darkness I see you there
And I can tell what you do, what you think, how you feel

Hazy sleep tries to grab hold my mind
I laugh it off in a mocking manner
For what good is dreaming
If I'm living in one already
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Last edited by LilVikingboy at Sep 4, 2006,
#2
I like the simplistic style, not much metaphorical stuff but really good imagery, I can see what's happening. Only thing is, what is "I've got one I creaked?" Is it supposed to be "One eye cracked?" That would make more sense to me.
I sorta like the unconventional structure, if you're doing the "mini-opera" type thing then it works well (if you don't know what it is, look up The Who on wikipedia). The last line is great, it finishes it off with a nice summation of your bliss. Pretty good stuff so far.
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Aww

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#3
Ahh, yes. Thank you for catching that typo. Thank you for the comment I hope to get more "metaphorical" in the other songs, but to be honest I just really wanted to get the ball rolling on this one. I'll tweak it and improve
Quote by LuthierofTexas
You motorboatin son of a bitch.

Quote by ibaRGnez321
I love you LilVikingBoy.


Member of the Church of Gilmour

Dance, Kirby, dance!
(>")> <("< <( " )> (>"< <("^) (^")> <("v) (v")> (v"v) (^"v) (v"^) (^"^)
#4
I Really Really love this,,


really do


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#5
This is good. Very good actualy, IMO. I love this style of writting and you do it very well.

Hazy sleep tries to grab hold my mind
I laugh it off in a mocking manner

Dont like that one line though.