#1
Something a wee bit different here. Not entirely sure about it so criticisms are welcome (obviously) as always.

Redundant Black Beverage

Cardboard for paper and hot liquid on request,
Knots tied in circles of what I?d expect.
Such an innocent brew,
Quite lacking in colour.

Right on cue my urban cockerel exploded in sync,
With my pulsating temple, throbbing in my head.
With my sacred black beverage,
Redundant, I left.

Private secrecy from my personal secretary,
Yearning dark cravings to warm up the gut.
Salary demised,
And the final straw plucked out from my mouth.
But damn that coffee; it doesn?t half stain your teeth.
#2
Pfft, way to make it near unreadable :P

I liked this one, Caz. Whilst nowadays I can't be bothered to say I didn't catch the meaning, it doesn't mean I don't like a piece. This one was nice, you have some more modern metaphor here which I think was something thepickups possibly touched on in your last, if I remember rightly, and I think it's a good direction to go in with you're writing.

Yeh, I liked it, no real complaints, to be totally honest. Nice one.

Jamie

It's in my sig if you're returing

(wow my crits are getting lamer.. )
#3
Great! Mission accomplished! I think you would be able to catch the meaning if you think more along the redundancy line and link that with the personal secretary... and also link that with a popular drink, come now, it's obvious!

Ta very much JD.
#4
Redundant Black Beverage


Cardboard for paper and hot liquid on request,
Knots tied in circles of what I?d expect.
Such an innocent brew,
Quite lacking in colour.
First two lines read pretty nicely. Rhyme, etc. Second two not so much. The innocent/colourless tie-in was a nice touch though. Your sentences are kinda fragmented here though and it consequently is all a little unclear to read. Just slightly less comprehendable. Maybe that's your intention, though.

Right on cue my urban cockerel exploded in sync,
With my pulsating temple, throbbing in my head.
With my sacred black beverage,
Redundant, I left.
First line's good. A good way of putting a good metaphor. The flow's not great though. In all of this stanza. It's a jumble of difficult-to-traverse syllables. Though you seem to be keeping some consistency with the way the first stanza was metered, at least. And 'tis descriptive. Not really sure where you're going with the content though (even having read the rest)...

Private secrecy from my personal secretary,
Yearning dark cravings to warm up the gut.
Salary demised,
And the final straw plucked out from my mouth.
But damn that coffee; it doesn?t half stain your teeth.
You've used quite a few witty little metaphors here in this poem, which is good, but I'm not sure what they're supposed to amount to...emphasis on 'little', that is. Anyway first line here has nice kind of balance to it. Flows well along with the second. I didn't like the change to the five line stanza. Strange that one would yearn a craving. Or more correctly, for one. I guess that's an interesting turn of phrase. Nice work.
I think given the awkwardness of the structure and whatever rhyme you have here, the thing this moreso had going for it was content, meaning. But regretfully I didn't get much from that, either...I guess I'm not entirely sure about this either...sorry I can't be of more help!

Can you maybe check this piece out please? Cheers!
Ro
#5
Cheers Ro, you are always helpful. If anything i thought this was more understandable?
Try focusing on the redundancy linking with the secretary...
#6
That coloring has to go. I don't care about the meaning behind it.

Cardboard for paper and hot liquid on request,
Knots tied in circles of what I?d expect.
Such an innocent brew,
Quite lacking in colour.

Excellent beginning, great wording and clever rhyming. I like the almsost 'groggy' feel of the last two lines, as they serve as a Monday Morning reminder if you will.


Right on cue my urban cockerel exploded in sync,
With my pulsating temple, throbbing in my head.
With my sacred black beverage,
Redundant, I left.

When I first read "cockerel" I thought, "Why the hell is he talking about a rooster." then I realized, "Oh, wait, SYMBOLISM! I love it." And I love it. haha. This is really just excellent writing


Private secrecy from my personal secretary,
Yearning dark cravings to warm up the gut.
Salary demised,
And the final straw plucked out from my mouth.
But damn that coffee; it doesn?t half stain your teeth.

I'm not entirely sure what I think of that first line... likewise with the third. They're kind of mysterious. I don't know. The third fits, the first is kind of strange. The last line is one of the best I've ever read here. So congratulations.

I think I have a meaning from it besides coffee, if you wish to know my thoughts, then PM me. I don't like giving away anything though, so I assume you won't.

I will beat you to WotM, but hopefully we're both nominated. Keep this up, you'll be well nominated by myself this month.
#7
^ Bit of friendly competition.

Thanks mate, i'm glad someone finally has drawn a meaning from one of my pieces at least, and yup, you're right about the giving away part.

Regards.
#8
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
^ Bit of friendly competition.

Thanks mate, i'm glad someone finally has drawn a meaning from one of my pieces at least, and yup, you're right about the giving away part.

Regards.


Now, I'm not positive of YOUR meaning, I just drew my own, mainly from the last line. And maybe because of what I'm thinking about in my own life right now. It's really clever, and I enjoyed it a lot. You actually opened up a whole new view of writing for me, which sounds stupid, because there are better writers here who have done similar things(no offense) but you just put it in a view that I can touch.

Out of curiousity: When's your birthday? haha.
#9
Cardboard for paper and hot liquid on request,
Knots tied in circles of what I?d expect.
Such an innocent brew,
Quite lacking in colour.

excellent 2 first lines. the 3rd and 4th we're slighltly odd, but i be they could work. the first line is an excellent metaphor, made me think for a while, lol.

Right on cue my urban cockerel exploded in sync,
With my pulsating temple, throbbing in my head.
With my sacred black beverage,
Redundant, I left.


good. this is really random, i need to think. it's good ,but then, it's not TOO god...i think it's just too random.

Private secrecy from my personal secretary,
Yearning dark cravings to warm up the gut.
Salary demised,
And the final straw plucked out from my mouth.
But damn that coffee; it doesn?t half stain your teeth´.

This bit is good, but i find you tried too hard with being as random as possible...

overall, i think this was kind of forced...i t was hard to get into most of the time...sorry, but i'm honest . i think you tired too hard.

if it isn't too much trouble, plz crit mine
Last edited by zwound at Sep 5, 2006,
#10
^^ 18th of December.

^ It wasn't random when you know what they mean in relation to the piece. How do you know how hard i tried?

Thank you very much for your inputs you two.
#11
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
^^ 18th of December.

^ It wasn't random when you know what they mean in relation to the piece. How do you know how hard i tried?

Thank you very much for your inputs you two.


Oh I was about to comment on that person's post.

P.S. 17th of February. So I can beat you.

/spam.
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 5, 2006,
#12
alright...lol, i read it more thoroughly, analyzed it for about 5 minutes...it makes sense now . forget that other post...good job (y)