#1
hey, this toke me a few days to right, i posted the 1st bit a few days ago but the thread got locked, any way tell me what ya think, love the feed back. thanks guys, later.

[B]Friendship falls away


Friendship falls away, to nothing more,
Her lips are still, with words unspoken
Her biter-sweet actions, drive him insane,
With lust, hate and a pointless game,
They dance around the obvious,
And prolong an empty pain,
He hides the ways she makes him feel,
And closes his eyes to her charm,
But the scare of there dead love afire,
Follows them still, and she hates the thought of there past,
And all he lives for, is forgetting her,
And she can?t begin to understand why.

So may times Iv seen this,
Form the outside looking in,
As two worlds tear apart,
So many times iv seen this,
As she runs away,
He stands strong with arms crossed,
As she hides the tears, and they stand in silence.

She calls him by name, And the phone rings out,
Countless memories they can?t talk about,
But one burned in each others mind, The aftermath, the fall out,
And its all he thinks about, every time she smiles,
And he counts he blessings, but we all know,
He?d trade it all, but shed never buy it,
The conventions now quiet,
And friendship falls away,
And his lips are unstill with hatred spoken.
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#2
To be honest with you i don't like this, you do have a lot of ideas there and this is obviously personal but it's just not very well written and it's very cliche.

Stuff like
"He hides the ways she makes him feel,
And closes his eyes to her charm,"

That's what i'm talking about when i say it's cliche if there's any dobt in your mind.

Also it's a very overused topic, so unless you can craft it into something that people don't feel like they've read a million times before then it's always gonna end up cliched.

So that my verdict.

Can you have a look at my latest for me? It's on the front page, and i'll just put it in my sig now. Thanks.
#3
it's chliche, but there is also some forced rhyme here, for example 'insane' and 'game'.
i would suggest you either put some major work into this (sorry), or bin it (it's not really that bad, it's just that i feel like ive read in million times before), but if it has personal significance, keep it, but it needs some work. i would suggest you cut the lines shorter, so they are more straight to the point, with complex words and advanced metaphors....


please crit mine in return! link is in the sig
'pale barf'
#4
yeah when i was righting it i had a thourgt in the back of my head that i was going to be not so good, i give another shot
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"