#1
this is my first song ever and ye crit my work and yeh ill see if i can make it better

VERSE:
feel the pain run down your neck
i grip and choke it out
fear the beast that i've become
even these chains cant hold me back
you struggle,i strangle and grip you tight
now your bleeding on the floor
the pain you feel becomes so real
when i stop and snap your neck (not sure about that one)

PRE CHORUS:
so i dig, i burn and i bury deep what remains of your soul less body
i felt i cryed and i died inside on the night that i took your life

thats all i got so far but im trying to work it in so that the chorus has the line "the malice has grown"

THANK YOU
Last edited by The Toad Licker at Sep 5, 2006,
#2
I liked the fact that there were whymes inside the work, rather than ending of lines. sorry, but i found it a bit poorly structured...flow was pretty bad. you should make the lines about the same lenght-and syllable count. i recomend u make another verse...

overall, i think this needs alot of more work...just the structure, and maybe remove a few forced rhymes.

crit mine plz, link is in the sig 'pale barf'
#5
It could be longer, but otherwise it's a pretty good song. Nice concept, nice flow.

Comment my newest song?
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#6
Quote by The Toad Licker
this is my first song ever and ye crit my work and yeh ill see if i can make it better

VERSE:
feel the pain run down your neck
i grip and choke it out
fear the beast that i've become
even these chains cant hold me back
you struggle,i strangle and grip you tight
now your bleeding on the floor
the pain you feel becomes so real
when i stop and snap your neck (not sure about that one)

PRE CHORUS:
so i dig, i burn and i bury deep what remains of your soul less body
i felt i cryed and i died inside on the night that i took your life

thats all i got so far but im trying to work it in so that the chorus has the line "the malice has grown"

THANK YOU


Frankly, this is a terrible piece of writing. The concept is appalling and completely alien to the lives of most peo(EDIT: put a "p" in here)le (excluding murderers, that is...). The motivation for taking this person's life is unclear, except for a hint in the first line that he/she is either the cause or recipient of some unbearable pain. I also find it odd that the person is left bleeding on the floor after being choked to death.

I can tell that the murderer does not really want to kill this person, but is forced to out of some obligation either to himself, towards the victim, or towards other potential victims. Obviously, it doesn't make sense that the murderer would have become a beast through this act, since it is the only just course of action and since he seems to be aware of that fact; rather, I think he would become a hero, if a tortured one.

The "malice" feels forced because it is plainly not an impulse felt by the author (you). This cheapens the already weak impact of your poorly constructed images. There is nothing original or even mystical about these lyrics. They are not challenging or thoughtful, and they certainly don't offer any insight into the thoughts of a real person, since the speaker is obviously not a real person.

The idea for these words was ill-conceived and clearly not written from the heart of the author. There is no attempt at revealing the depths of the thoughts of someone such as the speaker of the poem, and no attempt to communicate realistic and common emotions in the hearts of the readers. I can't stress enough how derivative and contrived the concept is. How can you expect something like this to speak to people who aren't murderers, ESPECIALLY when you're writing from the perspective of someone who has no experience with the subject matter himself? Your grammar is bad, but not terrible, and the writing is simplistic and unimaginative.

Finally, you would do well to remember this: NEVER stop writing. Always continue to work to improve yourself. The expression of one's thoughts is one of the most worthy ways of spending time, whether it be through music, words, visual arts, etc. Don't be discouraged; take criticism and try to make yourself a better writer.
Last edited by bben at Sep 6, 2006,
#8
bben: you take this stuff seriously huh??

yeh i do have bad grammer and im not a poet probably cause i have been demed a failure in all my school work and subjects but this isnt literal its sort of like what i wanted to do to this person but i knew if i did i would feel terible after i did it

it wrote this at 1 in the mornin when i found out something horrible that this person had done screwed over so many of my friends and me

this is my first peice and i will try to improve it remember tho kinda death metal band here so try and figure it with that type of music with screaming but not unberable if that makes sense

thanks bben for that bbbbuuuuurrrnnniiinnnggg i needed it
#9
Dude, you rule for being able to take criticism well! I know I can sometimes be pretty cruel and pretentious, so thanks for not getting pissed. I enjoy offering my take on people's writing and hopefully, if I ever decide to post any of my writings, I can get some healthy criticsm from all of the people I've pissed off on this site.

Cheers, and keep on writing!
#10
what i suggest is you make a verse before the one you have there, and make it about the guys contemplation about killing this person. this will be a good song if you tell a story, perhaps verse 1 have contemplation, verse 2 have the killing, then in the final verse have regret. i think the song will come off alot better im my opinion. thanks for the kind words on my song too.