#1
I've been wrting for a while but this is my first post. all criticism is accepted


We lay in the shade of that old oak tree, (Just you and me)
And we laugh and we sing and talk for hours, (I pick you flowers)
Walking this road with you stop me in my tracks, (I stare back)
And you show me something I didn?t know was there, (Something so rare)

I thought the show was over and the curtain coming down,
I thought this would be the last time, you saw my face in town,
I was up there on the stage, ready for my last bow,
And as I leaned over, you said I?m looking at you now,

I?d walk these concrete squares with you all day, (What do you say?)
We could just walk and talk and hold my hand, (It?d be so grand)
So come walk with me, we can call it a date, (I?ll just wait)
We?ll walk the sidewalk for forever, (We?ll walk together)

I thought the show was over and the curtain coming down,
I thought this would be the last time, you saw my face in town,
I was up there on the stage, ready for my last bow,
And as I leaned over, you said I?m looking at you now,

And in my mind I thought how cute looked just then,
How beautiful you are and how I can?t stop smiling when,
The first time I saw you, my eyes open wide,
It was on that very day that I made up my mind,

I thought the show was over and the curtain coming down,
I thought this would be the last time, you saw my face in town,
I was up there on the stage, ready for my last bow,
And as I leaned over, you said I?m looking at you now
(x2)

I?m looking at you now
#2
Overall.. I liked this.. had a nice flow to it.. and i could hear it as a song in my head while i read it.. however.. we all have things we dont like.. like
"We could just walk and talk and hold my hand, (It?d be so grand)
So come walk with me, we can call it a date, (I?ll just wait)"
In those two lines.. the "hold my hand" part.. didnt seem to fit very well.. as in.. you said we could hold my hand.. and in the next line.. the "I'll just wait" part didnt seem to fit.. and here
"And in my mind I thought how cute looked just then,
How beautiful you are and how I can?t stop smiling when,
The first time I saw you, my eyes open wide,
It was on that very day that I made up my mind,"
"How cute looked just then"? im guessing its supposed to be how cute you looked? and "Can't stop smiling when The first time I saw you, my eyes open wide"? I think you skipped from one incomplete idea to another idea.. Its a very nice piece of work.. just work on it a little bit.. has much potential.. will you crit mine please? Its in my sig