#1
Written on the spot right now, I realize I could make it loads better by playing up the contrast between rythem and bluntness but I dont really wanna... cheers, c4c as always and I'll start critting a hell of a lot more from now on, the forum is going downhill in that way...


Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I call to you to pray with me, to love with me,
To kiss with me; dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I need your help to take each purple pulse of hanging knuckle and kneed my feel to life;
To mold my lips to match the unlit matches and throw my mind to the tides;
To help me to bar out splintered driftwood strife...

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to melt off the mauve lipstick congealed on my setting ear;
To take the fear of nightmare's hooves and string them up with waning floss;
Make each supple muscle of these weeds tear off from all these dragonfly wings...

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to brew my mouth and touch and it will be enought; a rainbow stew
With plastic lips and pierced plastic bliss, a drugging potion that will cut away
The rocky rope from which I grip and slip me into my covered skin,
To begin again with a basket of tears, our rebirth, these acrobatic fears...

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs
Laugh with me, open your voice with mine
And we will entwine and let go;
Fall with the slivers of moon into the extra virgin limbs
And ladies brimming curtsies.


Well if you wont set me free sweet natural beauty, lovely blooming art,
Then I will be forced to slash the threads myself and fall into...

[The rythem breaks in tune with the ruptured flow of waves]


#2
Written on the spot right now, I realize I could make it loads better by playing up the contrast between rythem and bluntness but I dont really wanna... cheers, c4c as always and I'll start critting a hell of a lot more from now on, the forum is going downhill in that way...


Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs, You're missing an apostraphe in "child's"
I call to you to pray with me, to love with me,
To kiss with me; dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs, And again.
I need your help to take each purple pulse of hanging knuckle and kneed my feel to life;
To mold my lips to match the unlit matches and throw my mind to the tides;
To help me to bar out splintered driftwood strife...
Otherwise, very good indeed.
[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]
I didn't like "i need you to set me free; you can do so much better than that.
I call you to melt off the mauve lipstick congealed on my setting ear;
To take the fear of nightmare's hooves and string them up with waning floss;
Make each supple muscle of these weeds tear off from all these dragonfly wings...
Brilliant.
[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to brew my mouth and touch and it will be enought; a rainbow stew
With plastic lips and pierced plastic bliss, a drugging potion that will cut away
The rocky rope from which I grip and slip me into my covered skin,
To begin again with a basket of tears, our rebirth, these acrobatic fears...
Ugh, your talent is sickening.
[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs
Laugh with me, open your voice with mine
And we will entwine and let go;
Fall with the slivers of moon into the extra virgin limbs
And ladies brimming curtsies.

Relatively simple but probably the best of all the stanzas.
Well if you wont set me free sweet natural beauty, lovely blooming art,
Then I will be forced to slash the threads myself and fall into...

[The rythem breaks in tune with the ruptured flow of waves]




Top form old chap, top form.

Mind a gander at my latest please? Cheers.
#3
i really liked it too, great job, u a great writer, i have nothing to crit cause, compared to this, i suck... but its awsome man

my latet is chapter 3, in sig please...
#4
Written on the spot right now, I realize I could make it loads better by playing up the contrast between rythem and bluntness but I dont really wanna... cheers, c4c as always and I'll start critting a hell of a lot more from now on, the forum is going downhill in that way...


Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I call to you to pray with me, to love with me,
To kiss with me; dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I need your help to take each purple pulse of hanging knuckle and kneed my feel to life;
To mold my lips to match the unlit matches and throw my mind to the tides;
To help me to bar out splintered driftwood strife...

Not your best beginning at all. It's all so familliar to your other stuff. The lips imagery/metaphor has gotten old, as has this whole love/kiss business. I don't know, I'm not feeling it.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

rhythm* I like this. Nothing more to say about it

I call you to melt off the mauve lipstick congealed on my setting ear;
To take the fear of nightmare's hooves and string them up with waning floss;
Make each supple muscle of these weeds tear off from all these dragonfly wings...

Ugh, there's that melting of lipstick again. The other imagery is great, but that has got to be changed. I've heard it all from you before.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to brew my mouth and touch and it will be enought; a rainbow stew
With plastic lips and pierced plastic bliss, a drugging potion that will cut away
The rocky rope from which I grip and slip me into my covered skin,
To begin again with a basket of tears, our rebirth, these acrobatic fears...

Awesome. This is perfect, and the whole 'plastic lips' thing works here

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs
Laugh with me, open your voice with mine
And we will entwine and let go;
Fall with the slivers of moon into the extra virgin limbs
And ladies brimming curtsies.


Well if you wont set me free sweet natural beauty, lovely blooming art,
Then I will be forced to slash the threads myself and fall into...

[The rythem breaks in tune with the ruptured flow of waves]


Excellent piece to a somewhat lackluster piece by you. It's saved by your clear talent in most places, but the beginning and re-used metaphors drag it down. Work on it.



You promised you'd look at mine... You didn't.

I thought what we had was special.
#6
I'll do that spell and punctuation check thing for ya again, on the off-chance that you want it again for this piece.

I think the bracketed refrains/interludes or whatever work really well in this. Make it very interesting and give it a strong, clear style. Maybe style's not the best word for it, but yeah, they're good.


Dear, dear child's face in the flaming craigs,
I call to you to pray with me, to love with me,
To kiss with me; dear, dear child's face in the flaming craigs,
I need your help to take each purple pulse of hanging knuckle and kneed my feel to life;
To mold my lips to match the unlit matches and throw my mind to the tides;
To help me to bar out splintered driftwood strife...
What the hell is a flaming craig? I looked it up and all I found was 'craig' as a name applied to one specific theatre director or something. Maybe you just mean it as a person's name, I guess. Anyway, the last three lines, they read, flow really well. "Splintered driftwood strife", "match the unlit matches", all that; great stuff. Bar out splitered strife? Strange turn o' phrase. Anyway cool opener. Content-wise it's pretty 'out-there' and maybe a little hard to interpret but it sounds kinda like you're making some kind of supplication for invigoration or something.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythm,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]
Nice internal rhyme in the second line, lol. It's a solid little couplet. Nothing bad to say about it.

I call you to melt off the mauve lipstick congealed on my setting ear;
To take the fear of nightmare's hooves and string them up with waning floss;
Make each supple muscle of these weeds tear off from all these dragonfly wings...
A lot of thread/string etc imagery and ideas in this piece. One of the later times it's mentioned I'm pretty sure it's the old metaphor for the delicate strand(s) of life etc. "Waning floss" seems pretty agreeable with that idea. Again there's cool little dashes of internal rhyme goin' on, "ear", "fear", "nightmare", "tear" and loads more. A little more consistency in syllable count would've been nice though. But they're looong lines, so, I dunno.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythm,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to brew my mouth and touch and it will be enough; a rainbow stew
With plastic lips and pierced plastic bliss, a drugging potion that will cut away
The rocky rope from which I grip and slip me into my covered skin,
To begin again with a basket of tears, our rebirth, these acrobatic fears...
Awesome stanza. Definitely the highlight so far. Kickass flow and buckets o' well-placed rhymes. In terms of content, it seems like a total rainbow showering of ideas and images. It's colourful and imaginitive, like all of your stuff seems to be. Which does make it all a tad harder to understand. But I suck at that anyway...Nice work.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs
Laugh with me, open your voice with mine
And we will entwine and let go;
Fall with the slivers of moon into the extra virgin limbs
And ladies brimming curtsies.
I think I kinda see what you're doing with the content. I think. Kind of trying to find a re-birth or renewal in somehow joining with the 'dear, dear child'. Maybe. Another very good stanza in terms or readability. Nice rhymes, nice flow, etc. I like it, anyway. Damn, I'm finding very little advice to give you for improvement so far...sorry!

Well if you wont set me free sweet natural beauty, lovely blooming art,
Then I will be forced to slash the threads myself and fall into...

[The rhythm breaks in tune with the ruptured flow of waves]
All throughout the piece these bracketed parts felt rather...seperate from the main stanzas. I guess that was the intention. They were a break from them. The ending is well-worked. The way couplet leads into the last line. It kind of connotes a "splash!"; the way you put it, with "fall into" and all that. I dunno though. As ever, I had a hard time getting my head 'round the content in this. I quite enjoyed it though; well written and imaginitive and all that. Sorry though, yet again, I have very little tips for improvement...

Canya give any feedback on this? Cheers!
Ro
#8
Yeah, I know I linked to hers, heh. I don't have any particular piece of my own for you to crit and back when she took leave of S&L I promised her I'd make sure she got tons of crits if she would come back (not that that's why she came back)!
Everybody wins
#10
Written on the spot right now, I realize I could make it loads better by playing up the contrast between rythem and bluntness but I dont really wanna... cheers, c4c as always and I'll start critting a hell of a lot more from now on, the forum is going downhill in that way...


Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I call to you to pray with me, to love with me,
To kiss with me; dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs,
I need your help to take each purple pulse of hanging knuckle and kneed my feel to life;
To mold my lips to match the unlit matches and throw my mind to the tides;
To help me to bar out splintered driftwood strife...
I don't know you. But I might love you. That's the first thing that came to my head when I read this. So no crit here.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]


I call you to melt off the mauve lipstick congealed on my setting ear;
To take the fear of nightmare's hooves and string them up with waning floss;
Make each supple muscle of these weeds tear off from all these dragonfly wings...
Beautiful imagery, loved the last line.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

I call you to brew my mouth and touch and it will be enought; a rainbow stew
With plastic lips and pierced plastic bliss, a drugging potion that will cut away
The rocky rope from which I grip and slip me into my covered skin,
To begin again with a basket of tears, our rebirth, these acrobatic fears...
Still really well written but the plastic images seem out of place. Potion sort of melded the feelings together for me between plastic imagery and the rest of the piece so far.

[I'm pricked in internal ryhme and unbounded rythem,
Set me free rocky shores, I need you to set me free]

Dear dear childs face in the flaming craigs
Laugh with me, open your voice with mine
And we will entwine and let go;
Fall with the slivers of moon into the extra virgin limbs
And ladies brimming curtsies.

Good head back to the beginning, extra virgin limbs made me think of pork chops though, so that might be changed. Probably just me though.

Well if you wont set me free sweet natural beauty, lovely blooming art,
Then I will be forced to slash the threads myself and fall into...

[The rythem breaks in tune with the ruptured flow of waves]


Word.



I really liked it. I've read a bit of your work on here and you're one of the writers who are worth it to spend time on. Keep it uppppppp. my latest should still be around the front page. Captain's Knot Saves the Deckhand or something.
#11
Wow. My work is nowhere NEAR that. Very touchy. i like it...<3 it more or likely to say. Good Work!