#1
your pulse is the murmur of the brook where my grandfather's heart was built.
i felt the rumors of his demise rise to the edges of banks with the frogs and the silt.

the current carries everything that becomes too weak to carry its own weight.

i thought to find an answer in sleep, but when i slept i couldn't think, and when i woke it was already too late to find what i had left to carry itself downstream.
i sought my final answer, to keep what i meant as a secret, and leave the excuses to wisp out of my friend's ears with the rest of their high school experiences.

on your wrist with thin blue veins, flesh like paper, pressing down to make sure you're still alive, you shift in the sheets in the dark in the reflective glow of the screen and tell me to stop. i tell you i'm sorry, i don't tell you it's just to make myself feel better.

sqeaking springs on which we lie to each other.
i'm so tired of using the faults of english to my advantage,
thinking "maybe it'll learn the lesson this time".

morning eyes count the minutes between stretching limbs of sleep. i blink and numbers change. sunday morning sounds; classic rock in the garage, lawnmowers in the neighbor's grass. when i used to know how to lose my way around pinecones in the backyard without losing the grains of sand in my pocket, i used to know how to draw the circles with sticks, i knew what colors i could fill the sky.
#2
I love how you have so many little things to think about in this. Theres many lines that carry so much meaning in this and are very true. The setup was wonderful, with the buildup suspense. The ending was also on the nail. This was great, also august 23 is my birthday so props to that

-Mike
#4
goddamit, I dropped the ball on the whole write Mike a birthday poem thing didnt I...
I'll write one for the next thing I post I guess.

As with the rest of the stuff you post system (the one or three other things I've read from you) this is very very very good. no complaints other than the phrase 'i sought my final answer', that really just pissed me off

but seriously, everything was solid here, contentwise it was excellent, executionwise it was one of the better of what I have read recently, everything was brilliant. One thing I noticed was that your word choice is impeccable, almost admirably perfect. Like I tend to pride myself on vocabulary and wordchoice but you have a subtle air about your work that makes your words seem that much more real and believable... its hard to put to words, sry.

in short, way to go, excellent piece.
#5
wow i liked that a lot. other than the wrist..paper flesh part. the end is really good. good luck on putting music to it.
Catcher In The Rye Is One Of The Best Books Ever Club

member #1 of the jim belushi club
#7
This was really excellent. The first two lines were great. The rest was great. It all was great. This excuse for a crit was great. But no crit was needed...because its gre---
#8
I love this. It's very much my style. I also write more constructively and metaphorically. Great job. You should totally put this to music.