#1
Crit for crit!

8/21/06
I can?t deal

I think I hear someone
Talking to me
I can?t stand to hear this again
Always the same thing

I can?t deal with
The cards you?ve dealt me
I can?t do this
Someone help me
Will I always be alone?
Do I have what I deserve?

I think I see someone
Crying out loud
I can?t stand to see this again
Everywhere you look around

I can?t take it
The way you?re taking
Away my life
And everything
Will I never be alone?
Are you all that I deserve?

Screaming out I
can?t help it I?m
Crying loud these
words won?t fit I?m
Dying now I
just don?t fit in
This world with everyone else

I can?t feel it
The way you hold me
Oh so tight
Like you?re a dream
Can I never be alone?
I hope you?re what I deserve

-Caryn
Last edited by greendayforever at Sep 4, 2006,
#2
Quote by greendayforever
Crit for crit!

8/21/06
I can?t deal

I think I hear someone
Talking to me
I can?t stand to hear this again
Always the same thing

Too plain, you need to spice it up. I'm going to have to point you to the lyrics tips htread instead of writing out what you could do.

I can?t deal with
The cards you?ve dealt me
I can?t do this
Someone help me
Will I always be alone?
Do I have what I deserve?

Extremely cliche Idea for the core of the song. It's been done many times before, therefore it doesn't excite at all.

I think I see someone
Crying out loud
I can?t stand to see this again
Everywhere you look around

Flow is off here, that needs fixing.

I can?t take it
The way you?re taking
Away my life
And everything
Will I never be alone?
Are you all that I deserve?

the point isn't really cohesive, you sound like you're just moaning. First you can't hack someone "taking away your life", however that is to be intepreted, then you want to be alone, then you asking whomever if that is all you deserve, there's not a point being driven home here, it's all too vague.

Screaming out I
can?t help it I?m
Crying loud these
words won?t fit I?m
Dying now I
just don?t fit in
This world with everyone else

Again, more or less cliche and unoriginal.

I can?t feel it
The way you hold me
Oh so tight
Like you?re a dream
Can I never be alone?
I hope you?re what I deserve

If you can't feel it how do you know it's tight ? Again, I think points are being mixed up here, try to solidify what it is you're trying to say.

-Caryn


Jamie
#3
Awesome Poetry man!

I might use these lyrics in a song with my band.

Shall I?

And You'll get the credit for the lyrics' part, ok?
#4
I feel the need to use the EXACT SAME POST, as I just did on someone else's. Don't take offense to it:

Meh, it's nothing I haven't heard before. In fact, I could probably re-write this using only lines from other stuff posted here. There's nothing original, insightful, or even clever here.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=393365

Read that, it will help you become a better writer.
#5
Hey, JammyDude, okay, I'll admit this wasn't one of my greatest attempts, and reading back over it, it does sound cliched, but you don't always need to take everything so literally.

If you can't feel it how do you know it's tight ?


pushedaway, thanks for the support, but I would want to hear what you were doing with it before I said yes or no.

Retribution, your link doesn't work. Thanks for the crit, though.