#1
Hey guys im kinda new to this and some of you peoples work is awesum so heres something short to show anyone who wishes to read:

In the depths of heaven
The angel hides her face
'Cuz deep inside shes hurting
Just like the human race
You see her every day
With great power and grace
She smiles and passes by
This keeper of a race
#2
Ok, the third line is very colloquial but also dull. You need to use because there not "'cuz" and think of a more interesting way to put what you are saying. i.e. Use imagery and metaphors. Also i'm not too fond of the "face, race" rhyming there, i think it's too nursery rhyme-ish, and also putting race at the end is a bad idea.

The rest is pretty mediocre, but don't worry, keep writing and you'll improve with some constructive criticism; that's what it's all about. Good luck.

Edit: A crit on redundant black beverage in my crit would be appreciated, thanks.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Sep 5, 2006,
#4
it does have imagery
der! i can even see that
obviously the person is not actually the keeper of the human race
but is some1 helping people
i thought it was great!
keep up the good work!
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.