#1
Engaged with emerging figures of ballerine's, and the candles never danced like this for me.
Your step brings ballroom ballads, and memories of mirrors;
alligned so I could see straight six of me.
It didn't help me find out who I am, but that glass room sure was empty
reflections don't do shit for lonlieness, yeah, that glass room sure was empty.

I never once liked what I'd seen everyday
until I saw it from over your shoulder.
You don't make things seem any newer, infact you make my bones feel older.
Like I'm about to die, but I've lived my life, and I'd be satisfied,
if I could die over your shoulder. (It looks so much better this way.)

(It looked so much better the way we were, reconstruction never finished and we remain skeletons. Steel bones, stripped bare but unbreakable to all but the heat of ourselves. Lets forge a friendship and melt the way you make me do.)

Reconstructed this somewhat. No real content changes, mostly just punctuation and line structure stuff.
Last edited by BigBassFishing at Sep 6, 2006,
#2
Quote by BigBassFishing
Engaged with emerging figures of ballerine's,
the candles never danced like this for me.
But your step brings ballroom ballads, and memories of mirrors
alligned so I could see straight six of me.
It didn't help me find out who I am, but that glass room sure was empty.
Reflections don't do shit for lonlieness, yeah, that glass room sure was empty.
the way you punctuate here splits it up incredibly weird, almost into completely seperate thoughts, but that works for such a nice effect when paired with the topic at hand. I think the first comma should be changed to something else though... nice wit too and through that wit you brought imagery and through that imager you brought some meaning. Overall, nice, impactful stanza.

I never once liked what I'd seen everyday
until I saw it from over your shoulder.
hehe, very very very nice.
You don't make things seem any newer, infact you make my bones feel older.
Like I'm about to die, but I've lived my life, and I'd be satisfied,
if I could die over your shoulder. (It looks so much better this way.)
this is incredibly hard to crit because of the way your writing it; I think some of the lines could be better on their own, but in the context of the stanza nothing needs changing. The other thng I've noticed is that I'm actually interested in what you're saying and i havent had that feeling for a while, i really wanna know what you're gonna conclude with!

(It looked so much better the way we were, reconstruction never finished and we remain skeletons. Steel bones, stripped bare but unbreakable to all but the heat of ourselves. Lets forge a friendship and melt the way you make me do.)
beautifully beautiful and even through the rather cliche topic you made me care about the words on the page, truly great job.


I think I love you too
#3
Engaged with emerging figures of ballerine's,
the candles never danced like this for me.
But your step brings ballroom ballads, and memories of mirrors
alligned so I could see straight six of me.
It didn't help me find out who I am, but that glass room sure was empty.
Reflections don't do **** for lonlieness, yeah, that glass room sure was empty.
This started very nicely. I myself was a dancer for many years and found the imagery very well put and fitted to the spirit behind the words. My only issue was indeed with the punctuation; your sentences were cut badly because of the use of full stops, too often in my opinion, and I thought that the structure you chose didn't do justice with this stanza.

I never once liked what I'd seen everyday
until I saw it from over your shoulder.
You don't make things seem any newer, infact you make my bones feel older.
Like I'm about to die, but I've lived my life, and I'd be satisfied,
if I could die over your shoulder. (It looks so much better this way.)
I still have slight issues with your punctuation, but unfortunately in this stanza the bigger problem for me was the content. I did like the idea you had behind the lines but this was quite tedious. Sometimes it is good to repeat ideas in different ways but in this case I felt it was too much. I felt like you were trying to explain to me over and over again what I got after reading the first two lines. Now, saying that, I did like the rest of the stanza, I just think that you can construct it better.

(It looked so much better the way we were, reconstruction never finished and we remain skeletons. Steel bones, stripped bare but unbreakable to all but the heat of ourselves. Lets forge a friendship and melt the way you make me do.)
I really liked this ending. The only thing that took away from it was the structure of the rest of the piece. I loved the fact this just came out flowing, one chunk of thought/feeling. I just felt bad that the rest of the piece wasn't any different, by that making this part stand out.

In any case I really felt connected to this subject, for obvious reasons. This was enjoyable.


Carmel
This is not a pipe