#1
Well heres my latest attempt at a song.

Pretend your hand is a gun
Choke on the barrel
Don't It make you sick to be anorexic

Its not healthy to be like that you know
Were not falling for it
We Ain't buying your show of emotion

Believe me when I Say

Time is the fire In Which we burn
So Heres my gift to you
A Can Of petrol To help you on your way
Cause you the blistering pain you caused me

I Told you to stop this and you said
tutut what you afraid of
Its not safe to get this close its just not safe

You broke me up and spat me out
im a tool, your spade
you used to bury your past 6 feet under

So believe me when I say

Time is the fire In Which we burn
So Heres my gift to you
A Can Of petrol To help you on your way
Cause you the blistering pain you caused me

Why you gotta change
I don't see a reason to
act any difference around me
Its ending its going im drifiting away

Im leaving you to burn in you own disoray
#2
OK, I really thought it could have been done better. and some of the stuff is kinda corny. "I am your, your spade" c'mon, something related to gardening should not be related to a song this angry
and i dont even know what is up w/ "tutut"

for "i am your tool, your spade" how about "I am your tool, for you to persuade"


but other than that stuff its ok
#3
Quote by Maddy!
Well heres my latest attempt at a song.

Pretend your hand is a gun
Choke on the barrel
Don't It make you sick to be anorexic

Its not healthy to be like that you know
Were not falling for it
We Ain't buying your show of emotion

Believe me when I Say

Time is the fire In Which we burn
So Heres my gift to you
A Can Of petrol To help you on your way
Cause you the blistering pain you caused me

I Told you to stop this and you said
tutut what you afraid of
Its not safe to get this close its just not safe

You broke me up and spat me out
im a tool, your spade
you used to bury your past 6 feet under

So believe me when I say

Time is the fire In Which we burn
So Heres my gift to you
A Can Of petrol To help you on your way
Cause you the blistering pain you caused me

Why you gotta change
I don't see a reason to
act any difference around me
Its ending its going im drifiting away

Im leaving you to burn in you own disoray


First of all, I want to make sure that you and everyone else knows that "Time is the fire in which we burn" is a phrase taken word for word from Star Trek: Generations.

Ok, now on with the critique. The theme is simple: love lost. This is a theme that songwriters can't seem to get enough of. Sure, it's true-to-life and almost everyone who's going to read this has probably experienced something like what you've attempted to communicate. Unfortunately, every person who has ever written any kind of poetry, lyrics or prose has also written about this exact experience, and has expressed the exact same emotions you have here. I'm not questioning that this may have represented what felt like the passing of a monument in your mind, but for the rest of us, this is old news. The base of your feeling and your thought processes are not revolutionary, although they may certainly have felt that way to you. I realize that the incorporation of the ominous "can of petrol" could have signified a heart pumping step beyond the boundaries of G-rated fairy tales in your own writing and in your own mind, but if you take a step outside of your own experiences, even a small step, you'll find that these words are not quite as shocking and dramatic as they felt when they squeezed themselves onto your paper.

I myself can recall the first time that violence bled its way into my words. I began to include phrases such as "breathe water" and "permanently reside underground" in my writings, and believe me, it was liberating and shocking at the same time. Violence certainly has a place in the expression of emotion, but not here. Not in this context. This has been done too many times, too many people have scalded their mothers with boiling pans of water, too many highschoolers have choked the life out of their enemies in the bathroom stall...over and over we see anger and frustration at helplessness turn into violence and the will to destroy. There are other avenues for these emotions, and there are better ways to express them.

My advice to you would be to focus on the quirkiness and apparent flaws (emphasize 'apparent') that set you apart from others. Every single person is wildly unique, except that most people have been careful to ignore and equalize those things that make them different. However, these small inner differences are what make great writers and painters out of normal-looking people. Try to incorporate your own individual marks and contours (psychologically speaking, all you gutter-minds) into your writing. This not only more accurately reflects what you actually feel, but it makes a profound difference in the impact of your words on the readers. This is also how you can turn unoriginal and overused ideas like the main concept behind this poem into exciting and disturbing insights into your most inexplicable thoughts.

As I always say, the most important thing to keep in mind is that you will NEVER get better if you stop practicing. You obviously know this because you play guitar. Don't give up, and don't get discouraged or disheartened by my admittedly condescending words. Take the criticism and even if it's way too harsh, use it for your own benefit.

Or, hell, I don't know, you're probably just going to blow this off because I'm too young or something. Whatever you do, just keep writing.
#4
making yourself throw up is bulimia not anorexia silly.
work on your flow. tie your lines & verses together better.
#5
On the throw up with its a play on words. Bulimas throw up ok but an aneroxic can't hence the there sick to be aneoexic cus its not working. catch the drift its there to make you think