#1
I wrote the middle of this while on my vacation in europe and then the rest on my vacation at the beach while on the phone with my friend who happens to be a girl who happens to be a dumb bitch... Anyway, this is the most confusing thing I have ever written, I would love to hear your interpretations c4c as always.
Edited because people were pissed about the color
Edited again, but I think I just made it worse...




I open our scene to an unravelling seam of
Doctors spiraling as much sound as they can muster
Out of their scopes and rubber scalples and
Through the tubing pumping static in our eyes:

?Agreed. Its too soon??
?Agreed. Its too soon??
?Agreed. Turn up the ether?


An exit lies awake through the lively click of clock
I left the large glass panes to my fire-lit room open
Inside my glass chest pocket,
So the moths flooded in while I was away and
While the entrance closes shut in sleep; revolving
They carried away my locket and wrapped it
In a patterned flip to walled off windows and
In their weaved cocoons so I could never find out the ending of
Pale blue curtains breaking the waves of whitecapped light
That dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?
Into that image of the dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?
Child star I had known all my sitcom life
Whose static coma had touched the censored world,
Calling the cast of friends to give him fruit baskets of comedy.

Eyes of Barbie, legs of that plastic explosive bombshell,
And breasts, glorious round perfect breasts
That never gave out an ounce of milk...

But what if the Exit was the Entrance to the question
But what if God was the locket...
And If my pocket is leaking...
Then does the static matter?
Then what am I bleeding?
I?m so dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?
I?m so dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?


I open our scene to a wonderful dream where
There is a scream between the cave of sheets:
?Agreed. A cry to God??
?Agreed. Its too soon??
?Agreed. A cry to God??
?Agreed. Its too soon??
?Agreed. But morphine can only go so far.?
?Then let it go farther.?
?Agreed. Its too soon??
?Disagreed. Its too late.?


I look up, hoping to see that they ran out of storylines
But I just see the spirals of sepia making up the
Commercial break.
The cliffhanger.

The enraptured static.
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 6, 2006,
#2
I'll try to give you my thoughts on this when you change the colour of the white sentences: they are impossible to read. Preferably change it all to black, unless your life depends on it.
#4
Quote by thepickups
Change the font too.

I hate ye old fonts and all the italic stuff.

Oh, come on. It makes it artsy.

...

...

Yeah, the formatting is annoying. As SD once told me, the black skin is for n00bs
Hi, I'm Peter
#6
Quote by #1 synth
I'm not using the black skin...
And the whites important...
but if you really want, I'll change it...
.....................................................
dot dot dot

I can barely understand it, but if you insist the white is important dot dot dot

I think I'm going to need a Rosetta Stone for this one.
Hi, I'm Peter
#8
I liked your alliteration in the first part, but beyond that it got funkyyyy.

The peach and maroon parts do have a very dreamy feel, if that's what you're going for. And the hospital ward parts do have that officious feel about them, especially in that font.

To be honest, it's kinda hard to say anything about this. I'll leave now
Last edited by s0nofabe4ch at Sep 6, 2006,
#10
Quote by AtReYuRoCk
I don't like these sentences

"That dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?"
"Into that image of the dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy?"


sure ya do, you just need time to get used to them.
#11
what's up Synthetical? i've been away on important CIA mission... but i'm glad i finally got back on here, or i might have missed this.

this is probably my favorite piece i've read by you. the alliteration was great as was the scene/seam rhyme.

i realized that when you read all the maroon lines and skip the peach lines, or vice versa, it makes sense. my favorite part was the blue curtain lines.

but really i love the overall feel of this piece.

nice job asswipe
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#13
HAHAHAHA! a boston college pep rally. that's awesome.

The colors are quite bothersome. but, whatever. the repetition of dreamy really annoyed me.

otherthan that the piece wasn't anything to special to me. it was decent. the only thing that i really found fault with (besides the colors) was the repetition of dreamy.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#14
But what if God was the locket...
And If my pocket is leaking...
Then does the static matter?
Then what am I bleeding?

this is my favourtie thing i have read in a long time. that part particualrily. this whole poem/song is amazing. i dont really have any crit. to offer because i dont really think there is anything wrong with this piece. i dont particualrily like the repeating of dreamy soo much, but it isn't to the point that it ruins it. anyways good piece.

if you could find the time to crit my latest it's called Confessions. thanks peace.

here's the llink

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=429152
Break Dance Not Hearts

Quote by Vicious Sid
He pulled little Timmy out of his electric wheelchair
Broke his good arm and made him eat his own hair
The End.
#16
''Eyes of Barbie, legs of that plastic explosive bombshell,
And breasts, glorious round perfect breasts
That never gave out an ounce of milk...''

The rest is good, but I thought this part was tosh. You could radically change it, or maybe even get rid of it altogether.

Hard to follow. I wonder if this is based on a number of ideas you've had, and tried to put them together. That certainly explains the 'dreamy...' thing.

Interesting.
#17
''Eyes of Barbie, legs of that plastic explosive bombshell,
And breasts, glorious round perfect breasts
That never gave out an ounce of milk...''


yeah that pretty much ruined it for me...sorry. i love the black parts, the "agreeing", and especially the line "then what am I bleeding?"

actually, can i use that in my sig? frickin brilliant.
Get baked, study theory.

Quote by :-D
Why are you bringing Cm into this?
#20
one word, mindboggling. just like every otherp iece of yours i have read, this one truly challenges the reader. I greatly enjoy it, im guessing its a poetry piece because putting this into music would be awfully hard im guessing.

"Child star I had known all my sitcom life
Whose static coma had touched the censored world,
Calling the cast of friends to give him fruit baskets of comedy."

really enjoyed this part, and im looking forward to reading more of your work.
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#23
The colors did make it somewhat confusing at times, but as with your other pieces, it's great. You set the mood right away and I can visualize whats going on as Im reading through. Good stuff
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
#24
Quote by Liberation
The colors did make it somewhat confusing at times, but as with your other pieces, it's great. You set the mood right away and I can visualize whats going on as Im reading through. Good stuff


No offense, but Dylan's piece don't have a scene you can see... I guess that means they don't have a 'scene' at all really.

I have no thoughts on this, that's why I haven't left a message. I love it at times, I think it's meh at times, and I hate it at times. I've yet to decide which is real. I think I like it a lot.

Edit: Didn't you have "You're so dreamy, dreamy, dreamy, dreamy" in there somewhere? Did you delete it? If so it detracts from the whole piece, if you never had it, then I might totally rip you off and use it. Only, not really.
#25
This seems very psychedelic. Very cool imagery.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#27
This structure is genius.
its a bit much to get into, you have to be pretty focused, but underneath is some really beautiful language.
i love the "sitcom dreams" and the doctors.
i got a q tho, is it about an abundance of external stimuli to keep us dumb? i mean is the level of difficulty in comprehension kinda the point?

dont really have a bad word to say about it.
keep doin what ur doin

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#29
Synth i usually dont like your writing. Its usually jumble of words of someone striving to be better and always going the wrong direction of this. But this, this is great. Honestly, its great. My intpretation? Some famous dude who strives to be the best at everything. He makes it, but he doesnt know if that is whats gonna give him greatness. Or heaven? I took that from the red parts the "But what if god is the locket and he static doesnt matter" and "But what if the exit was the answer to the question? question being afterlife, and what we live for. Exit being death Entrance being the after-life. In total I find this to be and religious piece of sorts. Not technically commited to a christianic view but a questionable one. One questioning the religion and if they believe it. On top of that, its written beautifully its flow is great, and structure. Great job my synthetical friend.

<3

Mike

Also: Forgot to mention I think hes dying as well. (I.E. the whole doctor thing) and hes questioning life and if he will have an afterlife. With the whole "Disagreed, i think its to late" I think thats what he goes, he journies on into whatever he hopes is real.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Sep 11, 2006,
#30
Wowow.
Confusing as all get out.
I get a semi jist of it i think...Maybe not at all though. I suppose I wont know.
You do a damn good job of making people wonder with your lyrics.
The colors didnt bother me either.
I hope this doesnt offend you, because I mean it as a compliment, but the alternating orange lines vaguely reminded me of that long ass named panic at the disco song, The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage.
I like the way they sing that song. So I hope you take that as a compliment.
Nice work.
Quote by boardsofcanada
^^

<_<
~Bass'-play-er.

The #1 member of the club that isn't terribly predjudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
PM me, or just say # x
And part of Fortysix and twos Defenders of Emo club.

" Zach_F I love you for that."
#32
I haven't been here for so long, but this looks interesting so I'll give a crit in a little while. Work is getting in the way right now.
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#33
I actually did alot more with it Mike, in fact, this was edited out of a 4-6 page prose piece that I wrote in my notebook while on the aforementioned trips, it was alright, nothing special though. And truthfully i thought this wasnt that great, only thing of any real quality in my humble opinion was the ending, I love the ending.

but uh, thats not to say it doesnt have meaning and I'm glad that it touched at least some of you, thats why i write.

much <3 to all.