#1
Still kind o' simple, although with various bits involved, and a change of style, sort of.

Leave a link, if you wish.

And yes, by popular demand, the Crouch-monster is back!
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Metropolitan train stations
With work-bound people marching through
In singular congregations
Constructing one chaotic queue.
The numb, communal footfalls work
To make the workings of a clock;
The rhythms predictably irk
And tick and tock and tick and tock.

The sun fires down a cold warning
On the adjacent station road
In the form of a dull morning
Where dark clouds threaten to explode.
People hear the church-tower toll
With the permission of its clock
And the chimes remind each tired soul
To tick and tock and tick and tock.

Punctual vehicles groan and snarl at
Suited minds and leather-wrapped feet;
Deep in morning-thought none see that
One car lies, as dead, on the street.
Beneath the gears and safety kit
Hides an undersized counting clock,
When pendulum-legs approach it
Ticks and tocks and stops.
#2
Quote by CJW
Still kind o' simple, although with various bits involved, and a change of style, sort of.

Leave a link, if you wish.

And yes, by popular demand, the Crouch-monster is back!
--------------------

Metropolitan train stations
With work-bound people marching through
In singular congregations Love it.
Constructing one chaotic queue. Aha, and again.
The numb, communal footfalls work
To make the workings of a clock; Meh, work/working seems like too much.
The rhythms predictably irk
And tick and tock and tick and tock.

Faily solid first stanza, with some great rhyming.

The sun fires down a cold warning
On the adjacent station road Ooh good line.
In the form of a dull morning
Where dark clouds threaten to explode.
People hear the church-tower toll
With the permission of its clock
And the chimes remind each tired soul
To tick and tock and tick and tock.

Great.

Punctual vehicles groan and snarl at
Suited minds and leather-wrapped feet; Feel thi sline could flow better.
Deep in morning-thought none see that Comma needed after thought ?
One car lies, as dead, on the street.
Beneath the gears and safety kit
Hides an undersized counting clock,
When pendulum-legs approach it
Ticks and tocks and stops.

Okay, I really really liked this piece, I think it's one of my favourites from you yet, the rhymes were great and some of the wordplay was also good, I really enjoyed this one, great stuff.


Jamie

My latest is down in my sig, if you could. Many thanks.
#3
Cheers a bunch for the details of your comments, Jamie. I thought I'd go back to a bit of rhyme here, so I'm glad you enjoyed.
#4
Metropolitan train stations
With work-bound people marching through
In singular congregations
Constructing one chaotic queue.
Flow coming so stongly here, it might be hard to hold to. An audacious opening.
The numb, communal footfalls work
To make the workings of a clock;
The rhythms predictably irk
And tick and tock and tick and tock.
I quite liked that and I think I know why. Usually you stick to the simplistic side of your writing, and that's alright, but I like to have to think quite a bit more. This looks pretty decent.

The sun fires down a cold warning
Cold/hot
On the adjacent station road
In the form of a dull morning
Where dark clouds threaten to explode.
Rhyme
People hear the church-tower toll
Toll, as in a toll for a Tube or train?
With the permission of its clock
And the chimes remind each tired soul
To tick and tock and tick and tock.
Like the repetition

Punctual vehicles groan and snarl at
Suited minds and leather-wrapped feet;
Deep in morning-thought none see that
One car lies, as dead, on the street.
Beneath the gears and safety kit
Hides an undersized counting clock,
When pendulum-legs approach it
Ticks and tocks and stops.
An ending like a nursery rhyme!


I know why I sometimes find it hard to appreciate your stuff, and it's becuase it's so seemingly impersonal. There's no writing emotion in that, just more of a narrative or descriptive piece. It's never

I this
I that
I thought
I felt
I then...


Which is quite cool, as most people tend to do that.

My only real concern with it is; that what does the reader read it for?

The setting of the scene? The subtle meaning behind it?

That's why I'd consider putting a more biased view to this piece. Not that it isn't, becuase I can see your view on it. It's just, I'd try and make it more obvious.

What I'd do now is write this again using the "I"'s and opinions in a more obvious way. It may not be a better piece, but it might help you direct emotion more.
#5
first off. thank goodness you got rid of tht crappy kuyt thing.


Now anyways, the word irk was rather weak in my opinion. I wasn't too keen on it. IT sounds ugly. You could have found prettier words.

Other than that i thought this piece was good. I like the feeling you get from it. and the way you described the scene and the people.

And seeing how you went back to rhyming. you didn't sacrific the piece forhte ake of rhyme. which is good. most of your rhymes, all bu irk i felt, were good, and pretty strong rhymes.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
i think a real badass way to end the first stanza would be with "the tock and tick and tick and tock". just flows really well and spins it in a cool way. just a suggestion...

i agree with further, i like that the rhyme wasnt blindly and rigidly adhered to at the expense of the piece. really well done. i like it.

again. really think about the tock-tick-tick-tock. i think it flows a lot better.

--jay
#7
Thanks greatly to all of you for many interesting suggestions. I'll think about trying all the different alternatives you guys have pointed out.

Cheers.
#8
i really like this.
you seem to have captured the essence of the london underground, lol.
it has a great flow and doesnt seemt to falter at any point.
the consistant structure and use of clock metaphors make it seem very mechanical, but thats not a bad thing as it totally fits with what i imagine the overall theme to be.
in all its good stuff, but the final stanza could possibly do with some very minor work. especially around the leather wrapped-feet line. just a little tightening up maybe.
sorry i dont have much to crit, but theres not much else to say.
nice one

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------